


When The World Comes Crashing Down

by Minutebyminute



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Heartbreak, M/M, Mentioned suicide attempt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-06 03:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 59,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minutebyminute/pseuds/Minutebyminute
Summary: - a sequel to "Love is a battlefield"A love so powerful, nothing can ever destroy it. Unless something can.Love is a battlefield - and sometimes the battle is lost.





	1. WORK SONG

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授权翻译】When The World Comes Crashing Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14954331) by [LenkaArikawa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LenkaArikawa/pseuds/LenkaArikawa)



> Back again, with another story! Unlike what the summary suggests, I plan on a happy ending for this fic. It just needs a lot of angst first. (My speciality) 
> 
> This fic, unlike "Bereaved", is a work in progress and I would love suggestions and opinions, it really helps me make the story better. (While the storyline is set for Bereaved, I will take suggestions there too, it could always do with some alterations:)
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own SKAM or any of their characters.

 

 

 

 

_**My baby never fret none** _   
_**About what my hands and my body done** _   
_**If the lord don't forgive me** _   
_**I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me** _   
_**When I was kissing on my baby** _   
_**And she put her love down soft and sweet** _   
_**In the lowland plot I was free** _   
_**Heaven and hell were words to me** _

 

_**\-------** _

 

 

 

  
  
“What are you doing today?”  
  
“Clearing houses. You?”  
  
“Don’t know yet. It depends on what happens you know.”  
  
“I know.” Even smiled softly, brushing a stray hair away from Isak’s forehead, placing a soft kiss there. Living in a war zone meant they never really know what they were doing the next day. Even had a plan for the day, but it could differ. Isak on the other hand would have to just wait and see what happened.  
  
An alarm started ringing. The person in the bed next to theirs groaned in annoyance. Even looked over at the clock. It was 05.00. Time to get up and start the day. He pressed another soft kiss against Isak’s forehead, before slowly untangling himself from his husband and getting out of bed, getting dressed.  
  
Isak just hugged a pillow in his arms and watched Even with a tender smile. Even smiled back, pulling a t-shirt on. “You’re not getting out of bed?”  
  
“I don’t have to be at work until later so…”

 

“Come on sleepy, let’s eat breakfast together at least.”

 

“Okay.” Isak smiled softly at him and got out of bed, pulled on his own pants and t-shirt. They left the room together, walking hand in hand.   
  
Isak didn't really sleep in the same room as Even, he had his own bed with another unit. But Even’s roommates didn't mind and Even and Isak preferred to sleep together if they could. It was one of the few constants they had down here. Sleeping next to each other made it feel more like home.   
  
They were in Syria. Even and his team was doing different stuff, clearing houses, helping evacuate civilians, fighting IS. Isak was working with the medical unit, most of the time staying on base but some days they had to go out in the field to help wounded civilians. Even didn't like it when Isak went out in the field. He knew Isak could take care of himself, but it was a war zone and more often than not, terrorists attacked the rescue teams and medical teams. And the medical teams wasn't carrying guns for some stupid reason. A law of some sorts, he had been informed. He had thrown a fit about it once. Unsuccessfully.  
  
Even was terrified of losing Isak. He wasn't sure what he would do if it ever happened. He often found himself wondering if they should quit. Go home. Stay safe. But then he remembered that Isak had almost died back home in Norway and that they both made a difference down here. They helped make the world safer. So he never suggested going home out loud. He just thought about it. More frequently these past days.  
  
“What are you thinking about?” Isak’s voice interrupted his thoughts as they reached the eating area. Even tried to not be bothered by Isak letting go of his hand.   
  
“You.”  
  
“Cheesy.”  
  
“True.” Even countered, smiling brightly. He wanted to kiss Isak so badly, but the younger of the two wasn't a big fan of PDA in the camp, so Even respected him and settled for a quick shoulder squeeze instead.  
  
They sat down to eat and were soon joined by Even’s team mates and some of Isak’s coworkers. The conversation flowed lightly, mostly about news from home, the rest of the world. Attacks in different parts of Europe. No matter what they did down here, it didn't stop the extreme organisations who encouraged the vicious attacks closer to home. Even lost his appetite and pushed his plate away. He hated not being able to stop it, the terror. The wrong in the world, the madness and killing and suffering. He hated feeling like he wasn't doing enough, being good enough.  
  
Isak looked at him, put his hand on Even’s thigh and gave it a small but comforting squeeze. Even smiled at him, as if to say he was fine. Because he was fine. He was just so tired of not being able to stop the violence.   
  
When it was time for them to part ways, Isak gave him a sweet and short kiss, told him to be safe and that they would see each other tonight. Even went with his team, got into the van and they set of. He watched Isak waving goodbye to them through the window as long as he was visible. Then he closed his eyes for the rest of the ride, mentally preparing himself for another day.  
  
—-  
  
It was a slow day. Even’s team was on overwatch as another team was evacuating civilians and checking the buildings for members of the resistance. Even looked through the scope of his rifle, concentrating on looking for suspicious movements. So far they were all good, the streets were calm, quiet without being suspiciously quiet. Just an ordinary slow day.  
  
Alexander handed him a bottle of water. “How’s Isak?”  
  
“Fine. Why?”  
  
“Just trying to make conversation Even. I’m bored.”  
  
“Yeah. Me too.” They had kind of talked about everything between heaven and earth, their hours cramped together on roofs making them run out of subjects to discuss.  
  
Even figured that while he didn't want to discuss this with Isak, he could count on Alexander to discuss with him without telling anyone else. “You know, I keep thinking about whether or not it would be better for us to go back home. Me and Isak.”  
  
“You wanna leave?” the other boy sounded surprised. He probably was. Even hadn't told anyone else about these thoughts yet. He and Isak had just come back down for a second tour in Syria. Even liked his job.  
  
“Yes. No. I just don’t want to be afraid of loosing Isak all the time. I want him to be safe, you know?”  
  
“So you don’t want him here.”  
  
Even turned his head to look at Alexander, biting his lip before voicing his thoughts. “Does that make me a bad husband?”  
  
Alexander shook his head. “No, not at all. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he wants to go home, but stays because he doesn't want to leave you?”  
  
“No. Every time I start thinking about if I get reminded that he isn't all that safe back home in Norway either. He was almost killed at work, in a hospital. So I conclude that he might be safer close to me, but the truth is that it’s only during the nights that I can protect him. We’re apart all day and anything could happen. And it terrifies me.”  
  
“So basically no matter what you chose you will still be scared for him?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Alexander stayed silent for a minute, thinking. Even concentrated on his job again, looking for suspicious activity. For a second he thought he saw something, and gripped his rifle harder. A man on a roof with a cellphone in hand looking stressed, gaze flickering between the military team on the ground and his phone. But thankfully it was false alarm, seconds later he answered a call and just stepped down.   
  
“I think, from what I know about both you and him, that you guys need each other. It’s better for you to be together than apart. As for the part about being here versus being back in Norway, that is something you two have to discuss together. He might want to go home, he might want to stay. Maybe you should figure out whether you want to say or not, before discussing it with him? What is more important to you; making a difference down here or keeping Isak and your relationship safe? And can you imagine the solution where you could combine those two?”  
  
“That’s the thing. I keep thinking about that, asking him to go home. But like I said-“  
  
“Hospital shooting in Norway. I know.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“It probably won’t happen again.”  
  
“You can’t know that.”  
  
“I know. Life is uncertain.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
They fell back into silence. Even spotted someone trying to sneak up on the ground team and had to fire his rifle. As he did, he realised he was tired of this. He was good at it, but he was also tired of it. He knew he made a difference, that he was needed. But shooting people wore you out. Taking lives. Seeing people falling down after being shot, falling to the ground, their bodies lifeless, laying in an odd angle. He could handle it, he could live with it. But he was getting tired of having to force his emotions away.   
  
When they packed up that evening, Even had made up his mind. He was going to just ask Isak what he wanted. And then they would take it from there. If Isak wanted to go home, Even would think about it, figure out if he wanted to join or not. If Isak wanted to stay, Even was fine with that. He could do it, he could stay. He could keep doing this job. He was good at this job. But he was getting tired of death, killing. Of the constant danger.   
  
The ride back to base was a little intense, they got followed by someone and Even had to take a shot at the other car. He opted for shooting their tires, forcing the other car to stop following them without having to shoot more people today. He wasn't in the mood for this right now, his mind filled with thoughts about Isak and their future. He was glad he was such a good marksman, shooting a sniper rifle while sitting in the back of a moving car wasn't easy. But he made the shot and the other car stopped. They got away this time too.  
  
They arrived at base and he headed straight for the showers, skipping dinner. He didn't want anything, his stomach turning as wildly as his thoughts. He stood under the water spray, letting it wash the sand and dirt and sweat of him. He closed his eyes, trying to think. What did he want? Did he want to stay here? Go back? Did he want Isak to go? Could he be apart from him?  
  
There more he tried thinking about it, the more questions filled his mind. He turned off the shower and grabbed his towel. He would just have to ask Isak what he thought then.  
  
He often found that talking to Isak helped him sort through his otherwise messy mind. Every stupid idea, every crazy thing he started obsessing over, Isak would listen and discuss with him and support him. Telling him he wasn't stupid or crazy, that it was okay to have ideas, to think differently than others. To be himself.  
  
After getting dressed and gathering his stuff he walked back to their room, finding Isak on the bed reading a book. It looked like a novel of some sort, for a change. Isak usually only read journals or the news or from time to time a medical book.   
  
“Why didn't you join me at dinner?” his husband said with a curious expression.  
  
“Not hungry.”  
  
“Even…”  
  
“Sorry. Bad day.”  
  
“Oh.” Isak put his book down and opened his arms. “Come here.”

 

Even did as he was told and crawled onto the bed, relaxed into Isak’s embrace. His face against Isak’s neck. They just stayed like that, in silence, while Isak carefully stroked his back. Even felt himself finally relaxing. He felt like everything would be okay, as long as he had Isak. No matter where they where, no matter what they did. As long as they had each other it would be okay.  
  
“Do you wanna go home Isak?” Even blurted out.  
  
“What?”  
  
Even sat up slowly, moving away from Isak to sit across from him on the bed, so they could see eye to eye. “I mean, do you wanna go back home? To Norway? Where it’s… safer.”  
  
“Even, what is this about?” Isak moved to sit crosslegged and grabbed Even’s hand carefully.  
  
“I just… It’s so dangerous here. I just don’t want you to stay for me, if you don’t wanna be here. I don’t want you to get hurt.”  
  
Isak squeezed his hand and put his other hand on Even’s face, making him meet his eyes. “I wanna be wherever you are. Okay? I wouldn't be happy back in Norway without you. And you're happy down here, so you wouldn't be happy back home either. I get to practice medicine and I get to sleep next to you. I’m fine Even. I’m happy. I promise.”  
  
Even wanted to argue. He wanted to say he wasn't happy down here. But was that he truth? Yes, today he had been conflicted. But usually, he almost only had good days down here. He felt like he mattered, like he had a purpose. Sure, he hated the fact that Europa was getting bombed every month now and he often felt like he didn't do enough to stop it. But he did stop thousands of attacks down here. He saved civilians, rescued kids and women. He mattered down here. And what was awaiting him back home? The kings guard? He figured he needed to think more about this.  
  
“Wanna go for a walk?” he asked Isak, changing the topic.  
  
“I’d love to.”  
  
-  
  
They walked around the camp, watching the sunset. Then they watched the stars. They didn't talk much, they didn't have to. They enjoyed each others company and the silence was comfortable.   
  
“Have you talked to Jonas lately?” Even asked. He knew Isak talked to Jonas on a regular basis.  
  
“Yeah, Silje had just started school and is so excited about it. And Eva got a promotion. They miss us tho. We should visit them when we’re home on leave next time.”  
  
“We can do that.”  
  
They resumed watching the stars in silence. Even found himself watching Isak instead, a warm feeling spreading in his chest. No matter how much time passed, he still felt like a lovesick puppy whenever he saw Isak. He was so glad Isak had chosen to fight for them. And he would keep working every day for the rest of his life to earn Isak’s love and forgiveness.  
  
“I love you Isak.”  
  
Isak turned his head, green eyes sparkling. A soft smile on his face, as he leaned closer and kissed Even passionately. “I love you too Even.”  
  
  
-  
  
  
The next morning Isak stayed in bed instead of accompanying him to breakfast, having the morning off again. Since he hadn't woken up when the alarm rung, Even decided to not wake him. Instead he kissed his cheek carefully and whispered a , before joining Alexander at breakfast.   
  
“Ready for another day?”  
  
“I hope we get a roof with shadow today. It’s going to be a warm day.” Alexander groaned.  
  
Even just smiled. He kind of liked the heat and warmth. It was nice. As long as they had enough water, that was. He didn't really liker winter, or whenever the temperature was lower than 15 degrees celsius. But on the other hand, cold meant he could bundle up in layers of cloths and cuddle inside with Isak, drinking tea and watching movies. Cuddling down here was sweaty and often too hot. But during the night, the temperature dropped low enough for them to endure it. It was still a little too hot for Isak’s liking. Even didn't mind. He would never mind.  
  
They ate quickly and in silence, before getting their gear and getting in the van.  
  
Another day was beginning.   
  
They found a roof where Even could cover the teams, and to Alexander’s relief, it had some shadow, at least for him. Even would be stuck in the sun, which was fine by him.  
  
“Did you talk to him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“He wants to stay wherever I am.”  
  
“That’s good?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Or?”  
  
“It’s good.”  
  
And it was. Because Even didn't want Isak to leave him. Ever. He just didn't want Isak to be in the line of fire either. Fuck it. Even was still conflicted.  
  
“What do you think? He always supports my choices, so I need input from the outside perspective.”  
  
“Flattering.” Alexander joked. “But I think he is right. Wherever you are, as long as you're together, you’ll be fine. But maybe, when this tour is over, you two could spend a year in Norway? See if you miss being here or not, if you feel better being back home or not?”  
  
“That wasn't the worst idea I’ve ever heard actually.”  
  
“Fuck off!” Alexander laughed.   
  
“You’re a great friend Alexander. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”  
  
“Likewise Even, likewise.”  
  
-  
  
Isak wasn't joining them for dinner, having been pulled in to a surgery. It happened from time to time. Even spent the afternoon exercising with Alexander, taking a shower and waiting for Isak to finish. When he finally did they snuck into the kitchens to get some food and then curled up in bed, Isak falling asleep within minutes.   
  
Even couldn't sleep. He held Isak in his arms, mind racing. Alexander had a good point. They could stay home one year after this tour. But they had only been here for a little over a month, which meant nearly eleven more to go. Eleven more months of worry.  
  
Even looked at his husband, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully. His features were relaxed, a small smile playing on his lips. Even couldn't help but relax at the sight. Isak was happy. Content. Even knew he should just push these worries out of his mind and follow Isak’s example. They had both agreed to this lifestyle. They had enjoyed every minute together since finding their way back to each other in Afghanistan. They had each other.  
  
Staring fondly at Isak, Even tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. He hugged Isak closer to his chest and closed his eyes at last. He could feel Isak’s arm around his waist tighten it’s hold and felt a smile play on his own lips. Yeah. They were fine. Things were fine.

 

-  
  
Just another day on another roof. The day dragged on. The ground team had a fairly easy job today, very few people had stayed behind in this area and everyone they found left willingly. Even didn't have to fire his rifle once, but had to concentrate on watching just as hard anyways. They never knew when something could happen.   
  
The day neared an end when he could hear Alexander talking with someone on the intercom. He was confused, why didn't he get whatever message it was on the intercom too? He brushed it of, focused on the street.  
  
“Even?” Alexander sounded shaken.  
  
“Yeah?” Focus still on the street.  
  
“Put down the rifle.”  
  
“Why? What’s going on?” Was that a movement? He grabbed the rifle harder.  
  
“Put it down. We need to leave.”  
  
Something in his friend’s voice broke his concentration and told him to listen. Even put down the rifle. Turned to look at Alexander. Saw the panic in the other boy’s eyes.   
  
“What is going on Alexander?”  
  
“It’s Isak. He’s been injured.”  
  
And the world came crashing down around Even.  
  
-  
  
Even could barely remember the ride back to the camp. It was all a blur to him. He couldn't remember leaving the roof or packing up the gear either. But it was next to him in the car so Alexander must have packed it. And guided him to the car. And now, as they were walking towards the medical tent, Alexander squeezed his shoulder to try and comfort him.  
  
It didn't help. Even felt numb. He could barely breathe. Isak. He had to get to Isak.  
  
He didn't know anything apart from the fact that Isak had been hurt in an attack. Alexander had gotten no further information. Even hadn't been able to open his mouth and ask him to find out more anyway. He was numb. Paralysed. His greatest fear was coming to life before him. Isak had been injured.   
  
Why hadn't they just left? Gone home? Stayed somewhere safe? They stayed here because Even found it boring back home. Boring! What a stupid and invalid reason to sacrifice Isak’s safety. Even tasted the bitterness on his tongue and suddenly felt the need to throw up.   
  
This was all his fault. He was the one to blame for this.  
  
Alexander awkwardly patted his back as he threw up. Even appreciated the support, but he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything good. He kept fucking things up. Ruining things. Ruining Isak.  
  
They kept walking.  
  
Reached the medical tent.  
  
Was approached by a doctor who guided them over to a calmer area and motioned for them to sit. Even could barely breathe, every breath a struggle. The doctor looked serious. Was it worse than Even thought? Had Isak been killed? He couldn't handle this. He couldn't survive if that was the truth.  
  
He could feel Alexander grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. He was grateful for the support. But he still didn't deserve it.  
  
“Even… Isak was sent out with a group today to rescue a group of injured children. While he was inside the building, someone, probably IS soldiers, blew up the building and it collapsed with everyone inside. Isak has suffered major trauma. We had to do some internal surgery and most of his ribs are broken. He also hit his head pretty badly and we had to put him in a medically induced coma so we can control the swelling in his brain. I’m not going to lie to you or give you false hope, because this looks bad Even. Really bad.”  
  
And Even felt like dying. The words coma, false hope and really bad circulated in his mind over and over and over. This was really happening. He might lose Isak forever. Isak might die.  
  
Even couldn't breathe. Tears prickled in his eyes, he couldn't blink them away. He started gasping for air, hyperventilating. Alexander pulled him into a hug, told him to breathe. Isak would pull through this, he said. His voice was so sure and soothing that Even almost believed him. But he couldn’t. And he couldn't calm down. And now he was a sobbing mess.  
  
And he didn't fucking care who saw.

 

 

-

 

 

The doctor showed them where Isak was. He had a private room, and was hooked up to different machines and IV’s. He looked so tiny and fragile. His face, and probably the rest of his body, was badly bruised. Even wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him tight. But he couldn’t. So he settled for sitting down on a chair next to the bed and carefully taking Isak’s hand into his own.  
  
“I’m so sorry.” he whispered, silent tears streaming down his face again.  
  
He felt like this was all his fault. It probably was. Yes, Isak had come down here with him willingly, just like he had come down to Afghanistan to find him willingly. But the common factor had been Even going to both places. Isak had just followed him out of love. Love. Even loved Isak so much he could breathe. It consumed him. Some days, when they stayed in bed and Isak snuggled close, Even felt like his chest was going to explode because he loved Isak so much.   
  
He lifted a hand. Carefully stroked Isak’s cheek. Bit his lip to stop the sobs from escaping. 

 

He was going to stay by Isak’s side and pray to a God neither believed in until Isak got better. And then they were fucking leaving this place. They shouldn't have come back down for this last tour. They should have started their lives back home. Bought an apartment, gotten a cat or a dog. Maybe adopted a kid. Whatever Isak wanted, or didn't want, Even would have agreed.  
  
The nurses and doctors didn't even bother to ask him to leave - they all knew he wouldn't listen anyway. Day became night and night became day again. Even stayed in that chair. For short periods of time he fell asleep, his head leaning on the side of Isak’s bed, his hand never letting go of Isak’s.  
  
He wasn't sure how many days passed before he was asked into the commander’s quarters. He refused to go at first, but the doctor reasoned that he needed to change some bandages anyway and that he would come get Even right away if there was any changes. His eyes told Even he didn't believe there would be. That he didn't believe Isak would wake up.  
  
But Even had to believe that. He couldn't give up hope. He couldn't give up on Isak.  
  
He walked with heavy steps over to the commander’s quarters and slowly walked in.  
  
“Ah. Valtersen-Næsheim. How are you holding up?”  
  
“I’m not.”  
  
“I’m really sorry. I wish there was anything I could do for you. And him.”  
  
“Thank you sir.” Even just wanted to leave. Go back and stay with Isak. Never leave his side again. “Why did you command me here?”  
  
“To officially grant you time off. So if anything should happen you won’t be forced to go out there and help. Your place is by your husband’s side for now.”  
  
“I- Thank you, sir. Really.” Even swallowed the lump in his throat, blinked away the tears.  
  
“It’s the least I can do. Please, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I hope he recovers Even. I really do.”  
  
“Yeah. Me too.” Even whispered. Then he left, without asking for permission or saying anything further. He didn't care about anything but Isak right now. Nothing else mattered.  
  
On the way back, he figured he should call home. Tell people. Tell Jonas. Isak’s father. His own parents. He swallowed again. Those were going to be some hard conversations.  
  
He started with Jonas, who picked up on the second ring.  
  
“Even?”  
  
“Hey Jonas.”  
  
“What’s going on? I haven't heard from Isak in several days, I-“  
  
“Something happened.” Even could feel the tears pressing again. The lump in his throat refused to leave.  
  
“Even. What happened?”  
  
“There was an attack. A building got bombed. Isak was inside. He’s in a coma, they don’t know if he will wake up or anything. I- I don’t know what to do Jonas. I’m scared.”  
  
He could hear Jonas sniffling on the other side. “We- We just have to believe that he will make it. It’s Isak. He’s tough.”  
  
“I don’t know if he can fight his way out of this.”  
  
“Don’t give up hope Even. Isak can pull through. You know he can.” there was a pause where neither spoke. “Need me to call his dad? Your parents?”  
  
“Could you?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Thanks Jonas.”  
  
“No problem. Just… take care of him?”  
  
“I’ll try my best.”  
  
“That’s all anyone could ever ask.”  
  
After they hung up, Even walked back to the medical tent and sat back down. The doctor came to talk to him, saying the swelling in Isak’s brain had gone down enough for them to bring him back from the medical induced coma. He might not wake up, and Even needed to be prepared. And even if he woke up, it might be several more days. And he might not be the same. He might not be Isak anymore.  
  
Even just nodded through all of this. He knew enough about medicine and injuries to know that the brain was a tricky thing and that there was a possibility that Isak would never be the same.  
  
He watched as they removed some of the tubes and stuff. When it was removed Isak looked more like himself. His face was still bruised, but the bruises had started to heal. Even pushed the hair away from his forehead and kissed it carefully.  
  
“Please wake up.” he whispered.  
  
-  
  
Days came and went, and there was no changes. Even had started taking small breaks due to Alexander’s nagging about coming to eat at least twice a day. And the nurses helped him remember his own meds, so he wouldn't lose it completely. Right now he wanted to starve and lose it. He didn't care. He only wanted Isak to open his eyes and be fine.  
  
“You wanna come for a run later?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Even. Maybe doing something could be good for you. They’ll call you if anything changes.”  
  
“I need to be there.”  
  
“It will only take an hour. Forty-five minutes of running and a shower. Come on.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
They ran for almost two hours. When he first started running he couldn't stop. He needed to work out his frustration, his worries. He pushed himself harder than ever, trying to run from his problems. He didn't succeed. The only thing he accomplished was tiring himself out enough to fall asleep with his head on the edge of Isak’s bed when he returned.

—

  
  
Even pushed the food around on his plate. He wasn't hungry. He knew he had lost some weight these past days. He knew he should exercise regularly to keep up his shape. But he couldn't bring himself to leave Isak’s side. Despite the fact that there hadn't been any change in weeks now.  
  
He pushed the plate away. “I’m going back.” He started to get up.  
  
“I’ll walk with you.” Alexander said.  
  
Even appreciated the support of his friend, he really did. But he had a feeling he was the only one who still believed Isak would wake up. It had been two weeks since the bombing now. Everyone else had stopped hoping. Even Jonas sounded like he had lost hope. His own parents too. He hadn't spoken to Terje, but Jonas told him that Terje was having a hard time with this.   
  
Even doubted anyone had a harder time with this than himself.  
  
They walked back to the medical tent in silence. Alexander joined him inside today, and sat down in a chair next to him. And then they watched Isak sleep. Like Even had done for two weeks already.  
  
“Do you think I’m foolish to hope Alexander?”  
  
“No. I think you're human.”  
  
“There hasn't been any change.”  
  
“Give it more time Even.”  
  
“How much more time before I have to face the fact? That by bringing him down here I have gotten him killed?”  
  
“He’s not dead Even.”  
  
Even looked at Isak’s still body, the shallow rise and fall of his chest, the paleness of his skin. “Not yet.”  
  
—-  
  
Some days he snuck into Isak’s bed, laying beside him and pretending things were normal. That Isak was just sleeping in his arms again. He closed his eyes and pretended things were okay, dreamt about an easier time, when everything was fine and they were happy.   
  
He thought about all the shit he had done years ago. About letting Isak push him away when he knew Isak needed him, after Isak’s mother died. About being an asshole, cheating on his boyfriend. He hated himself for doing that.  
  
He thought about the day of the hospital shooting, of how terrified he had been, knowing Isak was a target. He thought about the moment he had pushed through that door and seen that man pointing a gun at Isak’s head. How he had felt in that moment. Even had known, that he couldn't live without Isak. That he needed to do whatever it took to make up for his mistakes, to make things right.   
  
And he just aimed and fired, knowing it was the right call. Took the man down. Watched Isak continue to work like it hadn't bothered him at all.  
  
But it had. Even had learned about that later, about how badly it had affected Isak. It had made Even hate the terrorists even more. And now Isak was hurt again, at the hands of terrorist again. And this time he might not wake up.  
  
Even opened his eyes, looked at the lifeless boy in his arms and he cried. He cried and cried, until there was no more tears to cry.  
  
—-  
  
Even gave in the next day - he joined the team for a day in the field. They escorted a minister into the town so he could see what they were doing, how they made a difference or something like that. Even didn't really care about the details. He only focused on the job. Doing something he was good at, something he could control.  
  
“How are you holding up?” Lucas asked him, walking up beside him.  
  
“I think I’m in denial about the whole thing. Trying to focus on anything else.”  
  
“I’m sorry Even.”  
  
“Yeah. Me too.” he swallowed hard. “How have things been these past weeks, with you having to take over for me?”  
  
“Busy.”  
  
“Busy good or busy bad?”  
  
“A mixture of both I guess.”  
  
“Casualties?”  
  
“How about a more pleasant topic?”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“We’re hosting a movie night later, wanna come?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Shame. Next time maybe?”  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
The minister asked them a question and their conversation ended there.   
  
Luckily, there wasn't any problems during the day. It was actually quite boring, just walking around in the sun and keeping and eye our for trouble. Even was secretly wishing for some action, just to occupy his mind.  
  
Instead, he was thinking about what he would do, if Isak never woke up. What the future held for him. Would he stay here or would he leave, go back home? Would he stay in Oslo? Go somewhere else.  
  
He swallowed hard, fighting the tears.  
  
Truth was, Even couldn't really imagine a life without Isak. He hadn't thought about taking his own life ever since he met Isak, but now… the dark, whispering thoughts were circling in his mind again. Telling him life without Isak wasn't worth living, telling him to just end it now, so he wouldn't have to suffer the death of his beloved husband.   
  
Even shook his head. He couldn't let himself go down that road, think those kind of thoughts. He pushed them away again, but as hard as he tried, they stayed in the back of his mind.  
  
He managed to endure the rest of the day. Arriving back at the base, he walked by the hospital wing, checking on Isak. No change, of course. He debated going to join the others for dinner, just as Alexander came into the room and sat down next to him.

  
“They’re considering moving him to a hospital i Norway. The commander just told me, asked me to inform you.”  
  
“It’s probably better…” Even whispered.  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Even didn't feel like talking, and Alexander didn't push him. Hours ticked by, the sun set. Even just studied Isak’s face. Took in the shape of his cheekbones, the form of his lips. The way his eyelashes fanned out. He looked so perfect. He even looked a little less pale, his skin less grey-ish. He looked like he could wake up any second. But then again, he had looked like that for a week. More than a week.   
  
The thought of Isak being moved to Norway was oddly comforting. No, Even wouldn't get to see him everyday anymore. But he would be safe, and he would be surrounded by more doctors and Jonas would probably sit by his bed everyday until he woke up. Or didn't wake up.   
  
Even had kind of lost hope that Isak would wake up by now.  
  
Alexander got up from his chair, bringing Even out of his thoughts. “Wanna join me for late dinner?” Alexander asked, sounding like he expected a rejection.  
  
“Why not.” Even said, shrugging and got to his feet.  
  
Alexander smiled, surprised, and nodded.

 

Even moved over to Isak’s bed, grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. Just like he had done everyday for the past weeks. But the difference was, this time, when he grabbed Isak’s hand, the other boy moved his fingers.  
  
“Isak?”  
  
Even leaned over to study Isak’s face. Alexander ran for the doctor. Even looked as Isak eyelashes fluttered, before he slowly opened his eyes. Green eyes looking up at him. Even smiled, feeling so relieved. Isak was awake. “Isak. Hey. You're okay.” He moved his hand to touch the side of Isak’s face.  
  
But Isak flinched away from his touch, eyes wide with fear. 

 

 

 

 

 

“Who are you?”


	2. HEAVY LIES THE CROWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could you love someone you didn't even knew existed? Could you love a stranger? Could love prevail if the memories faded? Wasn't love a collection of memories anyway?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Isak couldn't remember anything. Well, anything about Even that was. His last memories was from the beginning of second year at Nissen, right before meeting Even. When they told him he was a cardio-surgeon he seemed to remember something. But nothing about Even. He even went as far as denying to being gay. In his mind he was still that closeted 17year old Even had met over ten years ago. When they told him he was married to Even, he looked like he was going to have a heart attack.   
  
The first few days they didn't tell him anything at all. The doctor told them to be patient. That amnesia was usual with coma patients, that Isak would probably regain his memories in the next few days.  
  
But those days came and went, and no change happened. Isak didn't remember a thing, and Even got frustrated. They started telling him bits and pieces, see if it could trigger his memories. Nada. Isak started remembering small stuff, but not Even. Nothing about Even. He remember that Jonas had married Eva and had a child, but he couldn't remember Even.  
  
And it messed Even up. Every day he would visit Isak, and without thinking, he would touch him or move in for a hug and Isak would flinch. And for every time Isak flinched, Even broke a little. His heart shattered, his soul tore.   
  
He looked at Isak and saw his husband, the man he loved, his soulmate. He looked at Isak, breathing, awake, alive, and saw love. Isak looked back at him like he was a stranger. It had been a week now, and Even was near a breaking point. Everyone told him it would be fine. That Isak would soon remember. That things would work out anyway. That they would be okay, just give Isak space, just be there, just wait.  
  
Even wanted to tear his own hair out. He wanted to scream. He almost did, every night after leaving Isak’s room, when he went for his evening run. But if he couldn't just scream. They were in an active war-zone. So instead Even ran until his legs no longer could carry him, and then he let himself fall down on the ground, scraping his knees and knocking the air out of him. He didn't care.  
  
It lessened some of the pain.  
  
It helped.  
  
—-  
  
It had been a week. Maybe more. Even lost track of the time these days. He walked into the hospital room, looking at Isak who was sitting up in bed, eating breakfast.  
  
“Hey.” He said, voice low.  
  
“Hey.” Isak answered, biting his lip, eyes flickering with uncertainty.   
  
Even sat down in a chair next to the bed, but not too close. He had to hold himself back from touching Isak, reaching out for his hand. It was so hard. He loved someone who didn't even know who he was anymore.  
  
And Even knew that Isak loved him back. Or at least he used to. Now he couldn't remember. Could you love someone you didn't even knew existed? Could you love a stranger? Could love prevail if the memories faded? Wasn't love a collection of memories anyway?  
  
Even looked at Isak. Those green eyes, usually so full of love and happiness, of joy, were now filled with doubts, uncertainty, slight panic.  
  
“Look… I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but maybe you could stop coming to see me? It kind of freaks me out. I don’t know you, yet everyone expects me to just suddenly remember you. I am really sorry I don’t, you seem like a great person. But it makes me uncomfortable, I mean-“ Isak waved a hand “you see me through years of memories. I look at you and see a complete stranger.”  
  
Even just looked at Isak for a few seconds. Let it sink in, tried to process the words. “You.. want me to leave?” he couldn't help how disappointed he sounded, how disbelieving his voice was.  
  
Isak bit his lip again. Those green eyes flickered. “Just… I need some space, okay?”  
  
“Okay.” Even said. But he didn't mean it, not at all. It was far from okay, like, galaxies away from okay. But he had to respect Isak’s wishes, he knew that. He had spent hours talking to the doctor on how to act, what to say. He knew that people who lost their memories might never regain them. He knew that overwhelming Isak with too much information at once was bad. So he had tried to just be there, not push, not tell him too much. But it obviously didn't matter.   
  
Just being in the room made Isak uncomfortable. Even had to focus hard to blink back the tears. He didn't know how to get through this. This was almost worse than losing Isak. Almost.  
  
“I never asked, what do you do down here? I know I’m a doctor, but what’s your job?”  
  
Even smiled, a smile that never reached his eyes. “I’m a special ops solider. A sniper.”  
  
“Wow. I scored one of the great ones, didn't I.” Isak tried to joke. It failed, and the atmosphere got awkward, tense.  
  
Even just forced a smile he didn't mean. He hadn't told Isak much about them. About the bipolar. About the cheating. He had basically just told him they were married and left it at that. And now was definitely not the time. He got up to leave. “I guess I’ll get back to doing my job.” he couldn't help the resentment. The bitterness. The heartbreak.  
  
As he walked away, he hear Isak call out one last thing. “I really wish I could remember you.”  
  
Even turned around, blue eyes meeting green ones. “Me too.”  
  
And then he left. Tears streaming down his face, steps faltering a little at first, then, with every step, getting surer, steadier. The tears dried. And Even buried the pain deep within himself.

  
  
-  
  
  
“You want to go back out there?”  
  
“Yes sir.”  
  
“And Isak?”  
  
“He doesn't remember me Sir.” Even said, careful to not let his voice break. He felt like he was dying on the inside. “Still no change.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Thank you. I just need to do something other than sit around. Can I go back out?”  
  
“Of course. Your team hasn't left yet, if you hurry you can join them.”  
  
“Thank you Sir.”  
  
Even hurried to go find his team. He grabbed his gear and jumped into the van, sitting down next to Alexander who just gave him a sympathetic smile. He didn't say anything about the situation with Isak, and Even was grateful for that. He couldn't bear the thought of talking more about it now. He hadn't been doing anything else for the past week. Talked with his teammates, with Jonas, with his parents. He even talked to Terje. Everyone was sad for him, and supported him, but what good did that do? Isak didn't remember him. There was nothing to do but wait and hope.  
  
And Even felt himself slowly losing that hope right now.  
  
They arrived at their destination and Even and Alexander started walking up the stairs to their assigned rooftop. They had this other guy with them, he was new to the team. Simen Gregers. He was supposed to be filling in for Even, but he was kind of a rookie and needed more training first, so he and Alexander had joined Lucas’ team these past weeks.The new recruits had come down right after Isak woke up. The day after. Simen seemed like a guy with a pretty good perspective on what he could and couldn't do, so Even figured he would probably be a great sniper with more training.   
  
Which is why Even now found himself sitting next to Alexander, watching Simen trying to watch out for the ground-teams.   
  
“You know, it’s kind of unfair. You letting me do this. The guys on the ground believe you're the one watching over them, keeping them safe. They saw you arrive this morning. Saw that you're back. So they probably feel safe down there.”  
  
“And it’s your job to make sure they are safe.” Even said, calmly. He looked at his shoe, concentrating on a smear. He tried so hard, to push all the heavy thoughts away. But the more he did just that, the stronger they pushed back, make him feel like his chest was going to explode with pain. The pain of loosing Isak, without him actually being gone.   
  
He was still the same Isak. Even had overheard him joke with a nurse, talk with Jonas on the phone. His Isak was still in there. He just didn't remember Even.  
  
“But you're better at it.” Simen interjected.  
  
“You won’t ever learn just by watching.”  
  
“But-“  
  
“Relax. Do your job. You can do it.” Even knew he sounded bored, uncaring. He focused so hard on not snapping, not being harsh, his voice ended up sounding bored instead. Simen didn't seem to mind.  
  
The silence returned. Alexander threw Even a look, saying he admired his patience with this guy. Even just shrugged and leaned his head back against the wall behind him. He looked up at the sun, closed his eyes. He enjoyed the warmth at least. Despite all the chaos in his life now, he felt relaxed being out here. He belonged here. He fit, unlike any other place he had ever been in his life.  
  
He thought back to the day Isak had been injured. How he cursed this place, how he wanted to leave. He still felt some of that. He wished they hadn't been here. He wished Isak had been home, safe. He wished it had never happened.  
  
But like Isak once had said during one of their conversations; ‘what ever happens happens, and will happen. And you can’t change it.’  
  
So he could wish all he wanted, but the past was going to stay the same.   
  
Which made him kind of grateful that he was here. Where he could do something that mattered, instead of sitting at home, in Norway, just waiting for Isak to get better, to remember him. Where he could occupy himself with something useful, keep himself in check by being useful, stick to a routine. While he waited for a miracle.  
  
Because it might never happen. The doctor had told him over and over. To be prepared.  
  
But he hoped the doctor was wrong about that.  
  
He had to be.  
  
“Valtersen-Næsheim? Could you come look at this?”  
  
“What is it?” Even opened his eyes again. The sun hurt his eyes for a few seconds. Then the scene came into focus. Simen, looking through the scope, laying on a mattress on a rooftop. Alexander sitting next to him.   
  
“A child, walking towards the convoy. I think he’s carrying something.”  
  
“You think or you know? Look closely. What is making you suspect that the child is carrying something?”  
  
“His arms aren't swaying. He is clutching his shirt, I think i had something under it.”  
  
“You have to be sure. You can’t fire against a child unless you're sure.”  
  
“I’m not. Which is why I asked you to look. Can you come look?”  
  
“You have to learn how to do this Gregers. Look closer. What is he carrying?” Even was getting annoyed, and his voice mirrored his mood. It was becoming harsh, snapping.  
  
“I don't know! I can’t see!” Simen was getting frustrated now, his voice panicked.  
  
But Even didn't move. He just sat back, watched Simen. He needed to learn, and Even swooping in to save him wouldn't help him learn anything but being a quitter. “Look closer.”  
  
“Can you please just take over?!”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
Alexander squirmed beside him. “Even. Seriously man. He’s a rookie. Just take over.”  
  
“No.”  
  
Simen was sweating now, eyes flickering from his rifle to Even and back again. But Even didn't interfere. Simen had to learn somehow. Learn how to make the tough calls. If he couldn't see what the child was carrying, it came down to a gut feeling. Even had that. He would probably not be able to see any better, but he would be able to look through that scope, see the scene and know.   
  
Simen needed to learn that.   
  
“I can’t see!”  
  
“Well, what makes you sure I can see better than you then? Just trust yourself.”  
  
“It’s a kid!”  
  
“I know.” Even replied calmly.  
  
“He’s coming closer to the convoy. For Christ’s sake, do something please!”  
  
“It’s your call Gregers.”  
  
Alexander punched him in he arm. “Fucking help him you twat.” he sounded angry, almost scared.  
  
Even just looked at his friend, raised his eyebrows and shook his head.  
  
Alexander grabbed Even’s rifle, stood up and walked to the edge. He used the scope to look down at the scene, and Even just watched him. He had already decided not to interfere at this point, and it annoyed him that Alexander did.

  
“Fuck. Even, I think he might be carrying a bomb.”  
  
“Then Gregers can take him down.”  
  
“God damnit Even, this is one of the situations you just don't leave to a rookie!” Alexander turned around, his eyes telling Even he was furious.  
  
Even stayed his ground. “Then you take the bloody shot.” he countered.  
  
“I fucking can’t and you know it.”  
  
“Fine. Radio the ground teams and tell them to take him out themselves because our sniper can’t.” Even shrugged.  
  
“Are you bloody serious?” Alexander deadpanned.  
  
Even didn't have to reply, because Simen fired his rifle. Alexander and Even exchanged a look and Even finally got to his feet. He walked over to Alexander, grabbed the rifle from him and looked through the scope down at the scene.   
  
The kid indeed did have a bomb, and Simen had managed to take him down by shooting one of his arms, making him drop the bomb and fall down. The ground team ran over and secured both the kid and the bomb. “Good call Gregers.” Even said, voice calm.  
  
“Fuck you.” was the reply he got. Even just laughed humourlessly, and sat back down.  
  
“I agree. Fuck you.” Alexander said, but walked over and sat down next to him.  
  
Simen was shaking, sweat running down his forehead. He basically hyperventilated. Even looked at him for a minute. Remembered when he had been like that himself. “Hey kid? Nice work. I think you’ll make a fine sniper one day.”  
  
“How can you stay so fucking calm about this?” Simen shrieked.   
  
“I was once just like you.”  
  
  
—-

  
  
Arriving back at base, Even just went to eat dinner with Simen and Alexander. He decided against going to see Isak - he knew that the younger one wouldn't want it. After this morning, Even had decided to give Isak some space, some time to figure things out. If he remembered, he would ask for Even. If not - it was better for them both to stay away from each other right now.

 

As he sat down, Simen told one of his friends who had accompanied one of the other teams about what had happened. Lukas laughed after hearing the story. “And you didn't piss your pants?”  
  
“Wasn’t far from it.” Even smirked.  
  
“Shut up, you were a jerk Even.” Alexander snapped.  
  
“Yeah, well, how will they learn otherwise?” Lukas shrugged, stuffing another spoonful of food into his mouth.  
  
“It was a kid. The hardest fucking decision we ever have to make down here. He could have stepped in.” Alexander countered.  
  
“He could have. But the situation isn't as rare as it was back in Afghanistan, Alexander. We see them almost every day now. The new guys have to learn. Yeah, Even could have stepped in. But my guess is that new kid here won’t have any problems making the call tomorrow, or the next day or the day after.”  
  
And after that, the conversation stopped. No-one said anything else.  
  
And Alexander refused to look Even in the eye for the rest of the day.  
  
They worked out together after dinner, lifting weights and running a few laps around camp before hitting the showers and going to bed.  
  
Even had made sure to work himself extra hard so he could easier fall asleep. But as he laid in bed, sleep wouldn't come. All he could think about was Isak, and how he was losing him. It wasn't just a feeling. He knew it was happening. He thought about what had happened today. Wondered whether or not the situation with Isak had made him go a little too far with the new kid and Alexander. But Lucas had backed him up. It had been the right call, letting the new kid make the call.  
  
Yet, Alexander was pissed at him and that never happened. Maybe he had taken it a step too far. Maybe the situation with Isak was clouding his mind.   
  
He turned around, trying to find a comfortable sleeping position.  
  
“Even? I’m sorry about the situation with Isak.” Alexander was in the bed next to his. Their eyes met in the dark.  
  
Even swallowed. “I- I think I’m losing him Alexander.”  
  
“I know. I’m sorry I got mad at you earlier. But Lucas is right. You made the right call. I’m just… You’ve been sitting in that hospital room for so many weeks now, I just panicked a little I guess. I’ve always been a bit of a coward.”  
  
“You’re not a coward Alexander. I might have gone a little too far. Sorry.”  
  
“Isak will remember you Even. He will.”  
  
“You can’t know that.”  
  
“I know. But that boy loves you so damn much, there is no way he will forget you forever just like that. Maybe he wont regain all his memories. But he will remember you. He simply must.”  
  
“I hope you're right.”  
  
“I know I am.”  
  
-  
  
The next day, Even didn't even ask Simen if he was up for sniping. He just took the position himself and he could swear he saw some relief cross Simen’s face. It was fine. They could continue the education another day.  
  
The day was pretty uneventful, the teams didn't run into any trouble.  


A few hours into their shift, a car came driving down the street, aiming straight for the convoy on the ground. Even didn't even bother to hesitate. He just fired.   
  
“How can you stay so calm when you fire? I mean, you kill someone. How can you keep calm and kill someone?” Simen asked him.  
  
“Because I know that if I don’t, our people die.” Even replied, looking through the scope to make sure the treat was eliminated. When he was sure the scene was secure, he spared a moment to look at Simen. “And I have been to the medical wing way too many times through my life, seeing what happens to our guys when the overwatch fails. It takes time to become a good sniper, to get that gut feeling. But when you do, you just know when it’s right to fire, and when not to.” then he turned his concentration back to work.  
  
Hours ticked by.

 

Alexander handed him a bottle of water.  
  
They stayed silent.  
  
Then there was shouts and shots got fired inside one of the houses.  
  
“What’s happening?” Simen asked.  
  
“Can’t see. It’s inside.” Even replied.  
  
“Should we do something??”  
  
“Stay calm.” Alexander replied.  
  
Even just focused on the door where the noise came from. Waited. It was way too silent. He reached for the intercom. “Unit 9-3-5, status?”  
  
Nothing.  
  
They suddenly heard noise below them. Alexander cursed and got to his feet, moved over to the door.  
  
Even tried the intercom again. “Unit 9-3-5, status?”  
  
Nothing. The noise below them disappeared too. Even cursed, something was definitely wrong. “Gregers, can you take ov-“ he didn't get the chance to finish, as the building where unit 9-3-5 had entered just blew up. “Oh for fuck sake!”  
  
Everything after that was a mess. They had to evacuate. The gear got packed up. They ran down the stairs. Moved down the streets, trying to stay out of sight. Spotted the evacuation car coming to get them. Had nearly gotten safely inside when there was a loud bang.   
  
And then Alexander fell down.   
  
And Even screamed.   
  
-  
  
They got back to base, Even’s hand pressing down on the bullet-wound in Alexander’s chest. Someone moved Alexander, to get him inside. Even kept his pressure on the wound, yelling at Alexander to stay awake.  
  
The nurses and doctors met them at the door. Started working immediately. Asked Even to lift his hands, then press down again right away. Shouting that they needed cardio.  
  
Some scrawny looking guy came running over. Took one look at the injury and turned white as a ghost. “They discharged Valtersen-Næsheim an hour ago. Page him. I need his help.”  
  
Even looked at the doctors in disbelief. They were putting Alexander’s life in the hand of one doctor who didn't trust his own abilities and another who had just been in a coma? This simply couldn't be happening. “Are there really no-one competent around here?” he blurted out.  
  
“Valtersen-Næsheim is-“ he scrawny guy started to defend.  
  
“Has just been in a fucking coma, probably have a brain-injury and doesn't remember the past ten years. Now you're trusting my teammate’s life to a guy who can’t even remember his education?” Even was yelling.  
  
The guy just looked even paler, if that was possible.  
  
“I remember how to save lives.” Even heard a cold voice behind him. Turned around and meet Isak’s angry green eyes. Swallowed hard.  
  
“Fine.”

  
“Fine. Now move your hands and let me see.”  
  
Even did as told. And this time a nurse took over. They took Alexander away to an operating room. And Even was left behind.  
  
He stayed there for a while. Isak’s eyes, voice. It sounded like him, yet it didn’t. It was physically Isak. But it wasn't the Isak he loved and knew. It was a different version of him. And Even was pretty sure the version he loved was gone forever. The ice cold look in Isak’s eyes earlier told him as much.  
  
Even turned around and walked out of the medical tent, headed for the showers.  
  
But no matter how long he stood under the spray of water, he couldn't wash all of Alexander’s blood of his hands. So he gave up and started crying. And then crying turned into sobbing. He sobbed his heart out. He sobbed for the loss of his husband. He sobbed for Alexander. He sobbed for the fucked up direction his life suddenly had taken. And he realised that everything bad that had happened was his own fucking fault.  
  
And he had to make things right.  
  
So he dried his tears, got out of the shower and got dressed. Then he went back to the medical wing and patiently waited for news on Alexander. Because he might have lost Isak. But he couldn't give up hope when it came to Alexander too.  
  
So he waited. And he prayed.  
  
  
—-  
  
  
“He’ll be fine.” a voice disrupted his thoughts. He had been sitting in a chair, looking at the floor beneath him and searching his mind to figure out what he could have done differently, so that this wouldn't have happened to Alexander. They should have known better, they were better trained than this. This fucking Isak situation clouded his judgement.   
  
Isak. The voice he just heard belonged to Isak. Even looked up, meeting those green eyes. He had just said Alexander would be fine.  
  
Even felt like he could breathe again. “Thank you.”  
  
“It’s my job.” Isak’s voice was just as cold as earlier.  
  
“I’m sorry. That I doubted you. I just… He’s my best friend.”  
  
“It’s fine.” the tone in Isak’s voice told him it wasn't fine.  
  
“It’s not. I’m sorry.” Even said again.  
  
Isak didn't answer. He just grabbed a chair and sat down in front of Even. He looked conflicted, like he wanted to say something but couldn’t.  
  
“What is it Isak.” Even said, suddenly feeling tired. He was tired. Physically and mentally. Mostly mentally. Loving someone who doesn't know who you are could mentally drain anyone. It tore Even to pieces. Looking at Isak now, sitting in front of him - it was painful.  
  
“I’m leaving. I’m going back to Norway.”  
  
—  
  
Somehow, Even found he didn't really care at this point. About Isak leaving him. Isak didn't remember him, didn't know who he was, didn't love him anymore. Knowing he would be home and safe was better than watching him everyday and knowing he was in danger, Even reasoned.  
  
It didn't stop him from having a breakdown after Isak left, crying so hard he couldn't breathe and Lucas had to hold him tight and force him to calm down, breathe again.   
  
Even ended up spending the night in Alexander’s hospital bed, curled up next to his best friend and crying quietly into his shoulder.  
  
He spoke to Jonas on the phone. Isak was staying there so Jonas called Even to tell him that Isak had arrived safely. Even had only responded with a short ‘that’s good’. He didn't know what else to say. Part of him had a feeling Jonas was happy about this, he knew Jonas wasn't his biggest fan.  
  
“I’ll talk to him Even. If he doesn't remember I will make sure he knows everything.”  
  
“It doesn't matter Jonas. He looks at me like I’m this crazy horrible person, and he doesn't even know about my bipolar or the fact that I acted like a dick and cheated on him. What do you think he will do when he finds out? He’ll hate me. He probably already does.”  
  
“He will remember you Even. I know how much he loves you. Love like that doesn't just die. Just give him time.”  
  
“I don’t think time solves everything Jonas.”  
  
“He will remember you. Eva and me will help him remember. The good stuff, not the bad. Don’t worry Even. It will be fine.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
  
——  
  
  
But days became weeks and weeks became months. And Even kept talking with Jonas. There was no change. Jonas and Eva told Isak the story bit by bit. They told him all the good stuff, but had to mention the bad stuff too. Jonas said Isak took it well, that he didn't get upset about any of it. But he didn't remember either.  
  
So it wasn't a much of a shock when Even got his mail one day, opened the envelope and read the words on the top of the document.  


 

  
  
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Heavy Lies The Crown, The Scene Aesthetic


	3. LET IT ALL GO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can't tell someone they love you."

****

**_Who says truth is beauty after all?_ **   
**_And who says love should break us when we fall?_ **   
**_But if we're strong enough_ **   
**_To let it in_ **   
**_We're strong enough_ **   
**_To let it go_ **

**_\-----_ **

 

 

 

 

Isak had tried. He really had. He had listened to the stories Jonas told. Eva. Magnus, Mahdi. He even met up with Even’s parents. Looked at dozens and dozens of photos of himself and Even. He could see the love in them. He could see that he loved this person.  
  
He had quickly gotten over his denial of being gay. He just couldn't remember the part where he became comfortable with his sexuality. But he knew he was gay. And he could see why he had fallen for Even. But why he had stayed after Even had cheated on him, he couldn't figure out. How pathetic he had been. He didn't like the version of himself they told him about. A version who just accepted being cheated on and then ran after the cheater through a war zone. ‘The kind of love you two have is so rare it can’t be explained Isak. Had you remembered anything you wouldn't have questioned it for a second’ Eva told him. He wasn't convinced.  
  
He cried when he learned about his mother’s death and begged Jonas to take him to her grave. Jonas told him he had picked out the headstone and Isak smiled at that. It was a beautiful headstone, just like his mother had been a beautiful woman.  
  
When Eva and Jonas told him about Even being bipolar he felt so bad for him. It took him a few days to digest the fact, that he had chosen to marry someone with the same kind of problems that made him leave his mother. Jonas told him that Even had been the one to teach him how to accept his mother. That he had been nicer to his mother the last few years of her life thanks to Even. Isak was grateful to Even for that.  
  
With every new bit he heard and learned about his relationship with Even, Isak found himself wishing deeply he could remember. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t. No matter how many photos they showed him, not a single memory flooded.  
  
So when three months had passed with no change, Isak phoned his lawyer and made him draw up the divorce papers. It wasn't fair to neither of them, dragging this out. Isak couldn't remember. All he knew of Even was this desperate and tired looking man who sat by his bed for weeks, looking hopeful and expecting something from him that he couldn't give. And then the day when his teammate had been shot where Even yelled and basically called him incompetent. He had apologised after, and Isak knew he probably didn't mean it.  
  
But that was the image he had of Even. A angry person who yelled under stress, who expected something Isak couldn't give him. Who had cheated on him. Who probably loved him a lot, but Isak didn't know him.  
  
When he had signed and sent the papers, he felt better.  
  
He had gotten his job at the hospital back after returning home. After a couple of weeks being cooped up in the guest room at Jonas’ place, he needed to do something. Get back into a routine. His ribs still hurt, but he managed. They would heal in time.  
  
He sat down and talked to his boss for hours, learned more about the hospital-shooting and how Even had saved him. How Jonah had been shot, and despite heart transplant and surgeries, he still died in the end. Isak felt sorrow and guilt when he heard about it, without really knowing why. Weeks later, he remembered a glimpse, a moment, of him and Jonah. Having sex. Isak telling Jonah he could never be with him, because he was in love with someone else. Jonah’s heart breaking, the pain so visible in his face. Isak mourned his friend, not really remembering much more than that small glimpse.  
  
Then, things fell into a rhythm. He went to work, some days he took extra shifts. He stayed at Eva and Jonas’ apartment, not sure where he wanted to move yet. They ate dinner together whenever he was home. Some days he joined them on their days of, going to the park with Silje.  
  
They often met old friends, and whenever one of them asked about Even, Isak got uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. Jonas always saved the situation by telling them about how Even was in Syria, making a difference. Avoiding the topic of their divorce and Isak’s memory loss altogether.  
  
The divorce papers came back, signed ‘Even Valtersen-Næsheim’ in a neat, pretty handwriting. Isak almost changed his mind then. There was something about the pencil strokes of the the handwriting, making him get the sense of remembering something. Flashes of drawings. His eyes stung and he was surprised at finding tears dripping down his cheeks. Something inside his chest hurt and the more he looked at the handwriting, the heavier it got to breathe.  
  
But he shook it off, dried his tears and delivered the papers back to the lawyer, figuring it was just because the writing was pretty or something.  
  
He didn't give it another thought.  
  
He changed his name back to only ‘Valtersen’.  
  
-  
  
He knew Jonas still talked to Even. They seemed to be friends, because some nights he overheard Jonas telling Even about everything and anything on the phone. About Silje and school, about work. He heard him telling Even to keep being strong and keep his head high. That Even was doing an important job and should be proud.  
  
When he later learned from Eva that Jonas was only friendly with Even because he knew Isak loved him, Isak wanted to tell Jonas to stop talking to Even. Close that door. Finish that chapter. Because it was finished. Done. Over.  
  
But something held him back. A feeling. Deep in his stomach. Holding him back, letting this one last bridge stay open. So he listened though the door whenever Jonas talked to Even on the phone. He didn't even know why he did it. What compelled him to do it. He just did.  
  
  
—

  
  
He woke up covered in sweat screaming Even’s name. He had just dreamt about running through the city, looking for the other boy. Desperate and afraid that Even might have done something to hurt himself. Ending up at a bench, which seemed to have some sort of meaning to him, to them, only to find it empty.  
  
Thankfully he had worked night and it was afternoon when he woke up, which meant the house was empty and no-one had heard him.  
  
He stayed in bed thinking about the dream. Or nightmare. Could it have been a memory? It wasn't part of the stuff everyone had told him about him and Even. But it had felt too real to be a dream.  
  
The bench. He was pretty sure it was outside of Nissen, the high school Isak, Jonas and Eva had graduated from. The last time he had clear memories from. He remembered it like it was yesterday, sitting in classrooms together, going to crazy house-parties.  
  
He got out of bed and grabbed some clothes, headed for the shower.  
  
And hour later he found himself standing in front of the high school, staring at the bench. The one from his dream, or whatever it had been. He decided to sit down.  
  
Memories of passing a joint to Even flashed before his eyes. Jokes about some kind of revue group. Feeling nervous and heart fluttering. Asking Even questions, obviously trying to get to know him. Being interrupted by Emma.  
  
Emma. He had at one point believed he could force himself to like her, forced himself to act straight around his friends and used her as a cover.  
  
Isak shook his head. Got up from the bench and started walking home. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him. Maybe he so desperately wanted to remember something about Even that his mind made up something.  
  
But deep down Isak knew that wasn't true. He was after all a doctor. He knew that the brain was a wonderful thing and that memories might come back after a long time after a injury like the one he had suffered. And the memories of Emma was real, so why wouldn't the ones about Even be real too?  
  
He was conflicted about this. He wanted to remember. But also, he didn't really want to. Why had he stayed with a mentally ill person who cheated on him? Eva claimed that their love had been so strong, but why then, why had Even cheated?  
  
Isak didn't want to go back to be that weak person they described him to be. The kind of person who accepted being cheated on, who accepted being left and treated like that.  
  
He quickened his pace, walking faster so that he would be home in time for dinner.  
  
When Eva asked him where he had been, he lied and said he had just walked to the park to get some clear air. They didn't need to know about his ‘might-be-memories’.  
  
He had left that part of him behind in Syria anyway. Time to move on forwards.  
  
  
—-  
  
  
The days went by. Some were slow and boring and left him a lot of time to dwell on the sudden rise of a memory. The night on the bench. Why had that particular memory come back to him? What was so special about it? He couldn't figure it out. He spent hours and hours thinking about it. Dreamt about it several more times. He could smell the mixture of autumn and weed and cologne. He could feel his heart beating fast and irregular. He could hear Even’s voice, clear as if he was standing beside him. Some days were blissfully fast and busy and gave him no time to do anything but work and sleep.  
  
He hid in his room at right and searched through the news, wanting to know if something happened down in Syria. He couldn't pinpoint what exactly made him curious, he just was. He had a feeling he needed to know. It was strange.  
  
Weeks went by like this. He went to work, ate dinner with Jonas and Eva, listened in on Jonas’ phone-calls with Even (which he noticed were getting less frequent) and searched through the news.  
  
One night Jonas came into his room asking him if he had any plans. It was Friday and Isak had Saturday off. So his plan was sleeping in, basically.  
  
“No. Just sleeping. Like, forever.” Isak laughed, closed his computer and put it down.  
  
“Wanna come to a party?”  
  
“A party?”  
  
“Magnus is hosting. Come on, it will be fun!”  
  
Isak made a face. He didn't feel like going to a party. Loud and filled with people and cheep beer. It just wasn't his scene anymore. He would prefer staying home.  
  
“Come on man! You're single, you haven't turned 30 yet, you need to get out there!” Jonas joked. Well, tried to joke, the smile not quite reaching his eyes and the tone in his voice a tad too sad. Isak looked at his best friend. This was weird for him too, Isak not remembering stuff. It somehow ruined their dynamic, made things awkward and strange.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
He could survive a few hours. For Jonas.  
  
-  
  
“Isak! Our war-hero!” Magnus greeted him, already buzzed. Mahdi standing next to him just laughed, a forced laughter. The war thing was very close to the Even thing and it was awkward, because everyone but Isak knew and remembered everything about him and Even. But Magnus didn't have any filter, he never had one, and Isak found he couldn't really be upset by that now.  
  
“Well now.” he just said, not really commenting on it, accepting the beer Mahdi handed him. “How are you?” he asked, changing the topic.  
  
“Fine.” Mahdi nodded.  
  
“Greeeat now that you're here!” Magnus was so happy, like a puppy. Isak had to laugh.  
  
“It’s nice to see you too Magnus.”  
  
They ended up finding a place to sit and talk. The music wasn't as loud in the kitchen, so they were able to have a conversation without yelling. Isak learned that Magnus and Mahdi shared the flat and were both in between jobs right now, not quite sure what they wanted to do next. Mahdi had a degree in law, but wasn't sure if he should work for another company now that the last company he worked at had to let most of their staff go, or if he should just try to start his own company. Magnus had a degree in teaching and had worked a few years at a kindergarten. He didn't have any alternative plans, but seemed fine with it.  
  
Isak told them about working at the hospital again and what little he remembered from Syria. Which was only the two last weeks he had been there.  
  
“Yeah, good thing you're home now, after what happened down there today.” Magnus said, taking another sip of his beer.  
  
“What happened?” Isak asked, curiously. Something inside him just needed to know, and he still couldn't figure out what it was. He didn't really care, he knew he didn’t.  
  
“Acid attack. Wasn't pretty. Lots of civilians and soldiers were hurt.” Mahdi explained shortly. Then he looked at Jonas. “Have you…”  
  
Jonas shook his head and then the conversation died down. Isak was afraid to ask, didn't want to give them the expression that he cared about Even. Because he didn’t, Even was a stranger to him.  
  
Everyone took another sip of their beers. Someone turned up the music, making it too noisy to talk anymore, so they got up and started mingling instead, dancing and having fun.  
  
Isak had to admit he actually had fun, it was fun to dance with strangers and drink and just be. It relaxed him somehow. Gave him a break from all his problems.  
  
When he and Jonas stumbled home later that, Isak felt happy. Content. Like things could be okay, like he could be okay. Memory or no memory, it didn't matter. Isak Valtersen would be okay…  


 

 

 

  
… Until he woke up later that night, covered in sweat and screaming Even’s name. In his dream, Even had been the one getting hurt. He couldn't remember anyone telling him about it happening and the dream was so real. He found himself hoping it wasn't true, that Even hadn't been so badly hurt he almost bleed to death. Isak had woken up without really knowing the ending to it, so he couldn't figure out if it was a memory or not, without asking someone. And he wasn't ready to tell anyone about his sudden memory regain.  
  
Because then they would make him talk about it, and maybe change his mind about Even. He could already feel himself starting to doubt his previous decision, about staying away from Even and anything that was part of that life, because of everything he had done to Isak. Because for all Isak knew, he could have done bad things to Even too, things only Even knew about and hadn't told him.  
  
As his heart rate finally started to slow down, he heard a knock on his door. Cursing under his breath, he pulled his covers up a little before answering “Yes.” He figured it was Jonas anyway and the conversation he dreaded would soon be forced on him.  
  
But the person tiptoeing into his room was Eva. “Hey.” she said, her voice a whisper.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Can I come sit with you?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
She pushed the door closed behind her and crawled into the bed next to him, sitting against the wall. She leaned her head on his shoulder and Isak could feel himself relaxing. Without knowing it he had missed physical contact.  
  
“I heard you scream his name.” she said, voice quiet but louder than her previous whisper.  
  
Isak figured that Eva wouldn't be the worst person to discuss his possibly returned memories with. “I dreamt that Even got hurt.” he admitted.  
  
“How?”  
  
“He got shot far away from camp, and we couldn't send in rescue teams because we didn't have any. He lost a lot of blood and by the time he got back, he was dying. And I didn't know what to do, because we were running out of options to save him. And then I woke up.” he drew a sharp breath. “It felt so real, but you guys would have told me about that if it happened, right?”  
  
He could feel Eva squirm beside him and felt his blood run cold. “What?” he egged.  
  
“We… Me and Jonas, together with your doctors and… Even, figured we shouldn't tell you too much, and overwhelm you with all the bad stuff. We told you about the parts you needed to know in order to explain why you ended up in Syria, but we left out some stuff…”  
  
“It’s a memory?” he deadpanned, still in shock.  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, Even almost died. He needed a blood transfusion and no-one on camp had his blood type apart from you. But he needed so much, you nearly killed yourself in the process of saving him. But according to the people who were there, you wouldn't back down, wouldn't give up on him. I don’t know all the details from the stay down there, but maybe you could talk to one of the people you went down with?”  
  
“Maybe…” Isak trailed off. Did he really want to open this door? _He cheated on you,_ the voice in his head reminded him. “But he cheated on me Eva.. How could I have forgiven that? I don’t get it.”  
  
“Isak. You did some pretty shitty things to Even too.” she looked like she was in conflict with herself. “You.. You cheated on him. With a guy from your workplace. The one who died. And you treated him like he didn't exist for an entire year. And the way you spoke to him… It made my blood run cold, you were so harsh. And no, that’s not an excuse to cheat, but a person like Even, so warm and caring and soft, I think you shattered him. And it wasn't your fault, your mother died and you were hurting. But you should have let him comfort you instead of pushing him away and throwing dirt in his face.”  
  
“I- I can’t remember any of this.” Isak said, feeling heartbroken. Had he placed too much of the blame on Even? He didn't remember enough to feel like he knew him, but the more he learned about Even the more his heart ached for him. “I… I had another dream. About running around Oslo, looking for him, being scared that something bad had happened to him for some reason, ending up outside our old high school.”  
  
“It was after you learned about his bipolar and he thought you would leave him. He sent you a text and you thought he would try to kill himself. Later you learned he actually had tried that, twice before.”  
  
“… How do you know all this?”  
  
“You’re a chatty drunk Isak. And the time you decided to leave him after the attack on the hospital you spent quite a lot of time here. We drank wine and shared secrets. I feel kind ofrelieved that you can’t remember my confessions.” she tried to smile at him, but he failed to smile back.  
  
They sat in silence, Isak trying to make sense of things rushing back and forwards in his head. The jumble of thoughts and emotions and his heart breaking for Even.  
  
But he couldn't make sense of it. The person he remembered from waking up in Syria, the angry, short tempered guy… who also looked at him like he was the world and stayed by his side despite him probably breaking his heart by not remembering.  
  
The pictures everyone had showed him. The person Eva described for him now. He could see himself loving that guy.  
  
“He always loved you more than you loved him I think. I mean, you loved him so much, but he loved you with every piece of his soul. That’s why he shattered when you gave him the cold shoulder. And I think it might be a combination of you pushing him away and his meds not functioning who pushed him to make the stupid decision to cheat. And he regretted it so badly. And he worked so hard on earning your forgiveness. He never really stopped working for it. He did so much for you. Sacrificed so much, staying in Oslo to be close to you instead of following his dreams of working in the military.”  
  
“I wish I could remember all of this.”  
  
“Maybe you will. If you started remembering small pieces, maybe you will remember more.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Just, don’t stress about it. If it happens, that would be amazing, but if not, don’t worry too much about it. I have a feeling things will work out anyway.” she winked at him.  
  
“I don’t know what I did to deserve an amazing friend like you.” Isak admitted, pulling Eva into a hug.  
  
“You were an equally amazing friend to me.”  
  
At some point, they both sunk lower in the bed and fell asleep, Isak snuggling close to Eva. When he woke up the next morning, he felt better rested than he had in a while, and he realised his body was probably accustomed to sleeping next to someone else, and that’s why he had slept so badly ever since he woke up from that coma.

 

-  
  
He spent the next days talking to Eva in-between work and sleep. Asking her to tell him every little detail, every secret he had told her, every memory she had of him and Even. They involved Jonas, who looked so hopeful after learning that Isak was slowly regaining some memories, and who told him what he knew too. How hard Jonas had been on Even when Isak left him that first time. How much Even had worked to make it up to not only Isak, but also Jonas.  
  
The more he learned about himself and Even, the more he found himself falling in love with the story about their relationship. It made a little more sense now, why he had chosen like he had. It had been love. Love conquers all. Love defeats all. Sometimes love is a battlefield.  
  
Tiny bits and pieces came back to him. 

 

Eating a cheese toast one day after a night shift suddenly brought back the memories of a comfy kitchen and a laughing Even and putting way to much spice on sweaty cheese.  
  
Riding his bicycle one day made him remember a ride on the back of Even’s bicycle dressed in costumes and feeling on top of the world.  
  
Getting stuck in traffic reminded him of Even driving him to work or school and singing along to a cheesy popping on the radio to cheer him up on though dreary mornings.  
  
-  
  
He went to coffee with Pia one day. Madeleine was down in Syria apparently, but in another camp than him and Even had been. And there was no way Isak was talking to Fredrik, after what he had heard about that asshole.  
  
They met up outside the cafe, ordered their drinks and found a table. At first, they talked a bit about Pia’s new job, turns out she was working at the same hospital as him, yet their paths hadn't crossed ever since he came back.  
  
He had already told her about the memory loss and divorce and misery when he asked her to meet him there, so he didn't need to explain it again.  
  
“Do you know why I wanted to go down, the first time we went?” he asked as soon as the obligatory smalltalk died down.  
  
Pia looked thoughtful for a while. “I guess, at first, you only joined because you wanted to go down there and get your man back. I remember talking with you about it, your reason for going, and you told me that you needed to get your boyfriend back. But during training, something in you changed. You were more set on being helpful, making a difference down there. And while you at first seemed a little lost, a bit too attached to a person who had made bad choices in your relationship and then left you, after a while you changed. You grew taller, your back a little straighter and your opinion stronger. You decided to make him work for it, for you, rather than just following him like a lapdog. I loved that attitude, I found myself cheering for you. And when you two finally worked things out, I and everyone else just knew it. What you and Even had, it was true love. No-one would fight that hard, and go to a fucking war-zone to do it, unless the love was real, true, epic.”  
  
She stopped to take a sip of her coffee, and Isak used the opportunity to process some of the information he just learned.  
  
“I’m probably annoying right now, but I can’t remember a single thing. I mean, it’s blank. So, since my friends are biased, having been friends with Even for so long, I need to know from someone else. Did I truly love him? I know he loved me. But was it a high school kind of love, the kind that doesn't last, or was it a soulmate kind of love?” he had a feeling he knew the answer.  
  
“Definitely a soulmate kind of love.”  
  
He was right.  
  
-  
  
One night, after waking up from a dream who didn't make him cry, he crawled out of bed and searched through his stuff. He had dreamt about their wedding. He could feel it this time. The love. How he could forever drown in those loving blue eyes. He woke up smiling, then instantly feeling the need to find those documents. Those stupid documents.  


  
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT  


  
They were laying in his lap now, and heavy tears were falling from his eyes. He clutched the papers in his hand as deep sobs escaped him. He still couldn't fucking remember. It was only in bits and pieces. But the love, he knew it was real now. He felt it in his dream, he felt it clutching the papers now. It hurt, deep inside his chest, seeing those neat letters signed on the bottom.  
  
Even Valtersen-Næsheim.  
  
The sobs only escalated. What had he done? Why hadn't anyone stopped him? But maybe they had tried. He just hadn't listened. He hadn't known. He hadn't remembered. But now, a part of him did. And it fucking hurt, it felt like his heart was torn out of his chest and set on fire.  
  
“Isak?” he heard Jonas’ concerned voice on the other side of the door. But he couldn't find the voice to answer, the sobs taking over his body.  
  
He didn't even hear the door open, but suddenly Jonas strong arms were pulling him into a comforting hug. It didn't stop the sobs, didn't even lessen them. Isak was torn between understanding what was happening and being confused. The confusion was rooted in the lack of memories. He didn't even know Even. He had no fucking clue why he was sobbing on the floor in the middle of the night over someone he didn't knew. But somewhere deep in his heart, the memories were buried and the surface had started to crack. The stories everyone told, the pictures, the pieces of memories of a lost time… they yanked at his heart right now.  
  
He may not remember Even and all their moments right now. But looking down at the papers in his hands, he knew he had made a huge mistake.  
  
And he found himself longing for his memories to come back, longing for time to rewind.  
  
But neither happened.  
  
“Why didn't you stop me from signing these?”  
  
“You didn't remember him.”  
  
“But you knew I loved him.” It wasn't a question.  
  
“Yes. But Even and I agreed. You can’t tell someone they love you. I mean, we told you about the marriage, but I couldn't tell you that you loved a person you were so set on hating.”  
  
“I didn't hate him, I just… Didn't like him. You could have talked me into waiting with these.“ He lifted the documents.  
  
“I will always stand by you no matter what you chose Isak. Even when I think you're wrong. You're my best friend and I love you.”  
  
“I wish I could remember him.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“I wish I knew if he was okay.”  
  
“He stopped answering my calls.”  
  
“I think I might have broken him. I think that’s why this is so painful. I can’t remember him, I don’t even know him, but my subconsciousness is telling me that I broke him, by sending these awful documents. That I broke us.”  
  
Jonas took a few seconds to think, slowly stroking Isak’s back, trying to comfort him. “If there was a second chance for you two, would you take it?”  
  
Isak bit his lip. “The logical part of me tells me to walk away. But these feelings tells me I should never ever stop fighting for him.”  
  
“Then I guess you’ll have to decide. If you want to listen to your head or your heart.”  
  
“I know. Fuck, he must hate me.”  
  
“Maybe. But I don’t think so. Even could never hate you, he loves you far too much.”  
  
“I have to go back down there, don’t I?”  
  
“Not unless you want to.”  
  
“If I want to fight for him, I do.”  
  
“And do you? Want to fight for him?” Jonas sounded so hopeful, it almost broke Isak’s heart all over again. If Jonas thought this was the right choice, Even might deserve another chance. Even if Isak couldn't remember him, he could give it a second try, see if he ended up falling in love again.  
  
“I think so.”  
  
  
—-  
  
  
The process of making up his mind was a lot slower than last time, according to Jonas. Last time he had apparently just gone straight to the military and applied the second he figured he wanted to fight for Even.  
  
This time he spent days talking it over with his friends, all of them. He discussed with Eva, Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi and several of his coworkers.  
  
Then there was a segment on the news about the increasing in attacks both in Syria and Europe and how the Norwegian military wanted more people to join. He was watching it with Eva and Jonas, sitting in the living room one night.  
  
“That’s it. I’m going. I’ve decided. No matter how it works out with Even, I can be useful down there.” Isak said, nodding to himself.  
  
“I wanna go with you.” Jonas said, making both Isak and Eva turn around in surprise.  
  
“You can’t go!” Eva exclaimed.  
  
“Why not? Everyone who can should. Go down there and help I mean. I did the obligatory first year in the military, I am qualified to do it.” Jonas shrugged.  
  
“And what about me? Silje? Your life with us?”  
  
“It’s not forever Eva, I just want to go down for a period to help!”  
  
The argument had risen in volume and Isak started to fear they would wake Silje if it increased anymore now. “Guys, maybe keep the volume down-“ but he was interrupted by Eva getting up and storming out of the room. After she slammed the door to the bedroom, Isak looked over at Jonas. “Dude. You can’t leave her.”  
  
“I’m not. I just want to help. Eva can take care of herself, and Silje is old enough to understand why daddy is away for a few months.” Jonas shrugged again. “If you can go, why can’t I?”  
  
“I’m not a parent.”  
  
“Stop dragging that into it.”  
  
“But it matters Jonas. You have a daughter. And a wife. I have nothing, except my education. I have nothing to lose. You have everything to lose.”  
  
“Maybe I just want to go with you to make sure you're okay, ever thought about that?” Jonas sounded angry. Or, frustrated, maybe. Isak wasn't sure.  
  
Isak didn't know what to respond. On one hand, he really appreciated Jonas’ concern, how he cared for him. On the other hand, he didn't want Eva to be left here alone with a child, he didn't want his best friend in the line of the fire.  
  
Because Jonas had everything to lose.  
  
“Look. I love you Jonas. But you have to put your family first.”  
  
“I am. If no-one puts an end to this war, my wife and kid will be at risk too. I want to go down and help end the war. And I want to be there for you, because I know how hard this will be for you.”  
  
“It will. But it’s my battle to fight.”  
  
“You’re walking in blind. You don’t know him, you don’t know if he will even talk to you and you're going to a battlefield to try and win him back? And you wanna do it all on your own?”  
  
“Love is a battlefield.” Isak said, smiling softly.  
  
Jonas looked like he was about to say something else when Eva walked back in. Both boys turned to look at her.

  
“Look, Jonas… I really don’t like this, it freaks me out, but… But I think you should do it. Just, be safe? I can’t lose you.” she said, her voice breaking.  
  
Jonas opened his arms for her to crawl into, which she did.  
  
Isak looked at his friends, watched them share this moment of love and trust and found himself longing for it. He still couldn't remember enough about Even to know anything about their relationship, if this was something they would have done too, but he could feel that he loved the other man. It was so strange, and hadn't anyone told him their lovestory, he would have been scared he was sick or something.  
  
Looking over at Jonas again, their eyes meeting, Isak forced another smile. He still didn't like the idea of Jonas coming. Too much could happen.  
  
But Jonas was right. It was better to go down there and try to stop the war, than sit here and wait for it to come to them, putting their loved ones at risk.  
  
After a few more minutes he excused himself and went to bed. He was tired, and he needed some time alone to process. He had made up his mind. He was going to Syria. To chase after a man he didn't know, a man he divorced. A man with mental illness and who had cheated on him.  
  
Isak felt like he was crazy. And maybe he was. Love makes people crazy.  
  
In the best kind of ways.  
  
—  
  
Eva sneaked into his room later that night and crawled into his bed. He just let her, since this had become sort of a normal thing for them now. Jonas had asked him about it once, and he had told him how Eva comforted him and told him stuff and was just being an awesome friend to him. And Jonas was fine with it. Besides, Isak was like fifty shades of gay anyway so.  
  
“How much to you remember from being down there?” her soft voice whispered in the dark.  
  
“Not that much I’m afraid.”  
  
“Were you scared?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Did people die?”  
  
“I think so, from what little I remember.”  
  
“Did you ever fear for your own life?”  
  
“Every second of every day.”  
  
“Then why are you going back?”  
  
“Because I think I love him. My body aches for him, my soul bleeds. I don’t remember him but I know I need him. It sounds crazy.”  
  
“It sounds like love.”  
  
Isak didn't know what to answer. He settled for not saying anything else. Thinking of ways to convince Jonas to stay. Yes, they needed people to fight. But Eva needed Jonas too.  
  
“Isak? I need to tell you a secret. But you have to swear to me that you won’t tell Jonas.”  
  
“I’m not sure I can promise that Eva.” Isak said, biting his lip. He hated keeping secrets from Jonas, and he wasn't any good at it.  
  
“You have to. Please, I need to tell someone.”  
  
“Eva…”  
  
“I’m pregnant.”  
  
“… what?”  
  
“And Jonas can’t know.”  
  
“Why not? If you tell him he will stay!”  
  
“I know! And he will end up fucking resent me for it. He feels the need to protect us yes, but he also feels the need to protect you, support you. He didn't last time and he kept beating himself up over it. He promised me to only stay for three months. I can manage that, I can make it on my own for three months.”  
  
“But-“  
  
“You need him more than me right now.”

 

“Eva… I don’t like this. You being alone like this.”  
  
She looked up at him, smiling sadly. “I have my daughter. My mother. My friends. I’ll manage. Just promise me one thing.”  
  
“Anything.”  
  
“Make sure he comes back to me.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Let it all go, Birdy + Rhodes
> 
>  
> 
> After this chapter I'm a little blank, so please leave me some inspiration in the commentbox! Any ideas you might have, I'd love it if you would share with me. Things seems a little hopeless for our boys right now, but I am still planning on that happy ending, I just don't know how to get there yet. 
> 
> But Evak is forever in infinite time and 'Alt er love'.


	4. DANCING ON MY OWN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait! I haven't had any time to write these past days, and it will probably take a while to write the next chapter. Sorry about that!

**_ So far away  
But still so near  
The lights come on  
The music dies  
But you don't see me standing here  
I just came to say goodbye  
_ **

 

 

 

 

Telling Magnus and Mahdi about going back down resulted in the two of them wanting to come too. Like Jonas they had also done the obligatory one year in the military right after high school, so when the four of them went to go register, they were all accepted right away. Isak was placed back in the medical team, the other three would end up in a ground team if they didn't want to do any training before leaving. Isak begged them not to - it was the most dangerous job down there, he had seen that up close. They got a second opportunity, they could travel down there in a training team, and get their training down in Syria. It would mean they had to sign a waver, accepting the risk of training in combat.  
  
They all did. Isak didn't approve of this idea either, but they all kept repeating that he didn’t get a say.   
  
With the next transport plane going down the same night, they had only a few hours to pack their things and say goodbye to their families. Jonas and Isak took turns hugging a sobbing Eva. Isak packed very little, but he included some of the nicest pictures of him and Even, his wedding ring and the divorce papers. He wasn't sure why he packed it, but he felt like he needed to keep it with him.  
  
He decided to go visit his dad. But in the car outside his father’s house, he hesitated. He didn't know how to tell his father that he was leaving again, because even he didn't know why he was. He just had this feeling, that he had to go. That this was the right thing. But every logical fibre in his body told him it was crazy. And maybe it was. But here he was, going anyway.   
  
How could he explain a feeling, explain that he just knew, despite his logical sense, that he had to go? But he couldn't leave without saying goodbye to his dad.  
  
He got out of the car, walked up to the front door and knocked. His dad opened with a surprised smile and invited him in for coffee. Minutes ticked by and the smalltalk was slow. Isak decided to cut to the chase.  
  
“I’m going back. To Syria.”  
  
“Yeah, I figured you would. Got your memories back?”  
  
“No. Or yes. But only a few. Not enough to make sense of things.”  
  
“But you're still going.” It wasn't a question.  
  
“Yeah… I don’t really know why. I just have this feeling, this aching in my chest…”  
  
“It’s love.”  
  
“How do you know?”  
  
“I known since the first time you brought him home Isak. That what you two had was true love. I never doubted that for a minute and neither should you.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Just be careful down there, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They sipped their coffee in silence for a while.  
  
“Isak?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I love you son.”  
  
“I love you too.”  


Terje was a man of few words. They had argued so much when Isak was younger, and miscommunication was a keyword. Hearing his father tell him that it was real, that it was love, that it was right… It meant everything to Isak. It made his step surer, his walk back to the car easier. He was doing this. This was the right thing. And also, his father loved him. The one thing Isak had craved his whole childhood and teenage years. His father’s love and acceptance.   
  
Turned out, he had it all along.

  
—  
  
  
The flight was tense and boring. Isak was keeping a secret from Jonas, and he felt like it was written on his forehead or something. Fortunately, Jonas mistook his jitters and squirms for nerves, figured he was nervous about seeing Even again.   
  
He didn't correct him. And he wasn't entirely wrong.  
  
“Even is in the sniper-unit, isn't he?” Mahdi sat down next to Isak.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You think we can join?” Magnus asked.  
  
“It’s like the elite squad Mags. They train for years. If you are lucky you get to be their backup or something.” Jonas laughed.  
  
“You could always try. Worst you’ll get is a no.” Isak said, shrugging. He looked through the papers he got handed. He would be working with some people he knew and some new people. Pia was coming down with them. Isak had called her when he made up his mind and she said she wanted to go. Both to help out down there, and to be there for him.   
  
Isak felt silly, having all these people coming with him to have his back. He had a feeling it would make things even harder if it didn't work out with him and Even.  
  
“I saw some guys join the sniper unit last time we were down together. They had to work really hard, train after work and such, but they did it.” Pia said, shrugging. “It’s not impossible, just very hard.”  
  
“Maybe I’ll try.” Magnus said, nodding to himself.  
  
Isak just smiled. Went over to sit with Pia, and looked through their papers with her. The names of the other doctors, what their specialities were, a list of nurses and patients or soldiers who needed followups or medication and stuff. It was way to much information to learn in one go, but they read through it all.  
  
Isak stopped when he was Even’s name. ‘Even Næsheim’ was listed on the medication list. Isak let his eyes rest on the name, stroked a finger over the letters. Took a deep shuddering breath. Was he doing the right thing, coming back without telling Even? What if Even had moved on, what of Even hated his guts?  
  
He would find out soon enough. And like he had previously told Jonas and Eva; he could make a difference down here as a doctor. So if Even hated him, which he was right to do, Isak would still be able to do something useful down here.  
  
The flight went by faster than he would have liked, and they were at an airport, getting picked up by the Norwegian army and taken to the camp. Arriving, Isak felt like he couldn't breathe. He remembered the place, he remembered the panic he felt waking up, not knowing where he was and who the people around him were. He remembered hurting all over, not knowing why.   
  
The cars stopped, and they were told to go and report at the commanders quarters. Isak knew where it was and lead the others there. Entering, he was reminded of the last time he walked in here, requesting to go home. It felt like yesterday, at the same time it felt like a lifetime ago.  
  
“Dr. Valtersen! Nice to see you again.”   
  
“Thank you Sir.”  
  
They sat down, listening to the commander tell them where they would sleep, eat and shower, where Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi had to report the next fourteen days for training before they got assigned to teams, and Isak and Pia got their work schedule.  
  
“I’ll give you guys a tour of the camp. You can skip it Valtersen, if you want to.”  
  
“I’ll join. Don’t remember everything anyway.”  
  
“That’s alright. Follow me.”  
  
And they did. He walked them through the different sleeping areas, showed them the room all of them would stay in, a girl named Maren who came down with them would also stay there, making them a group of six.   
  
The commander showed them the eating area, the showers, the training area and where they would have to meet up in the mornings if they were going out with their teams.  
  
While walking around he told them about rules and routines and what to expect. Isak knew most of this and zoned out a little, looking around camp, unsubconsciously looking for something. His eyes searched while his mind couldn't figure out why. He looked at the eating area, training facilities, the showers… And wished for memories. But none appeared.   
  
Just as the commander finished explaining that the soldiers would be sorted into groups and meeting up with their teams in this spot, to be assigned which vans they would ride in, a group of soldiers jogged by. They were shirtless, showing off their very nicely toned chests and arms, letting him know they obviously worked out a lot. It just _had_ to be the elite squad, the snipers. And then he saw him.  
  
Even.  
  
So this _was_ definitely the sniper team.   
  
He couldn't help but stare as they ran by, but Even didn't see him, being to focused on running. As he ran by, Isak couldn't stop himself from gasping - Even’s entire back was covered in uneven scars.  
  
“Næsheim was involved during one of the acid attacks.” the commander explained. “Have you talked with him since you left?”  
  
Isak shook his head.   
  
“I have. But he stopped taking my calls a while back. Probably when…” Jonas trailed off.  
  
“Yeah, he’s had a tough six months.” the commander looked like he wanted to say more, but dropped it - this wasn't his story to tell. “You guys should go and get settled and join everyone else for dinner in 90 minutes.”  
  
Isak sat down on his assigned bed and looked around. It was awfully hot. The bed was hard. His life was probably in danger right now. Even would probably never ever want to talk to him again.  
  
And yet, he had this weird calm feeling, a feeling telling him that he was finally home.  
  
—  
  
  
They fell into a routine. Eating meals together, Pia and Isak working (Isak was welcomed back by most of the staff, and the new people he had never even met welcomed him back too. He was obviously well known here) and Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi joined training. After dinner, Pia and Isak worked out with the other boys, a few times they even went to practice shooting.  
  
One of those days, the sniper team was there when they arrived.   
  
Isak looked at Even, frozen. Even looked at Isak, his eyes blank. This was the first time they had looked at each other since Isak came back. He wasn't sure if Even knew that he was back yet. Well, he knew now.  
  
Isak worked up the courage to walk over to him. Everyone stopped what they were doing, everyone seemed to hold their breath as the doctor walked over to the sniper. Worlds colliding. Isak stopped in front of Even. Waited for the other to say something.   
  
He never did.  
  
“Can we talk?” Isak finally asked, breaking the tension. Biting his lip. This broken man in front of him, which he didn't know, had changed so much since he last saw him. The spark in his eye was gone. His face was harder, thinner. The way he had looked at Isak, like Isak was his entire world, didn't exist anymore.  
  
“Did you get your memories back?” Even asked him, voice emotionless, monotone.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Then we don’t have anything to talk about.” and with that, Even just walked away. Leaving it to his team to pack up the equipment.  
  
And Isak was left standing there, not knowing what to do next.  
  
—  
  
Weeks went by. Isak didn't try to approach Even again. He just watched him from afar. He never smiled. He just sat quietly beside his team during meals. Once, twice, three times their eyes locked. And Isak could swear his heart did something funny each time, without really knowing why.  
  
He regained a few other memories. Of laying on a bed, smoking weed and talking about the universe. Of jumping into a swimming pool, kissing Even for the first time. The small pieces started to from a bigger memory. He still didn't feel like he knew Even. But he knew he loved him. And that had to count for something.  
  
During an afternoon run alone, thirteen days after coming down here, a tall guy joined Isak. He recognised him from the sniper team, and it took a few seconds to place him in his mind. He had seen this guy on plenty of pictures. “Alexander, right?” he asked.  
  
“Yup. You got your memory back?”  
  
“Small pieces only. Saw pictures of you, don’t actually remember you. Sorry.”  
  
“It’s cool.”  
  
They ran in silence. Isak waited for Alexander to speak, but when they had ran one and a half lap around camp in silence, he realised that Alexander waited for him to speak.  
  
“Did you come here just to check if my memories were back?”  
  
“Nah. I kind of caught your conversation with Even the other day. Just a hopeless optimist I guess, hoping that you being here, seeing him, would have triggered more of your memories.”  
  
“Some. Not a lot.” _Not enough._

 

“Shame.”  
  
Isak worked up his confidence to ask what he wanted to ask.  
  
“Does he hate me?”  
  
“Yeah. I think he does. He said so. I hope it’s true.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“You broke him.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“I don’t think you do.” Alexander stopped running, Isak just followed his lead. “When he got those papers, he snapped. Something inside him broke apart. It started breaking when you woke up with no memory. He started taking more risks, became reckless with the new recruits and how he was teaching. But when the papers came, he spent days without sleeping, crying, refusing to join us on missions, before finally singing those damn papers. And the next day, he tried to fucking kill himself. He was about to jump off a building. But luckily, one of our new recruits, Johannes, had training in those kind of situations and talked him down. Helped him get through it. Then, a few weeks later, the fucking acid attack happened and Johannes died. Even got badly hurt. He spent so many weeks in the hospital, and when he came out again, he had this hard shell around his persona. He doesn't smile anymore, doesn't laugh, barely talks to me and only about work. The Even I knew, he’s gone.”  
  
  
“I-“  
  
“So I guess I came here to yell at you, tell you it’s your fault. But I know that’s not fair, because you lost your memories. But I lost my best friend. And he lost the only thing holding him together. So I needed to get my frustration out. I needed you to know what you did. And I need to know why the fuck you're back here.”  
  
Isak didn't know what to say. He knew he couldn't be blamed for losing his memories. But he felt guilty, hearing about how Even had been. How awful his life had been. He was ashamed of how he had acted, like signing those papers didn't mean a thing. How he had decided Even was a villain in their story. How he had acted like he was the better person.  
  
Because he wasn’t.  
  
Without even knowing Even, remembering him clearly, he knew that if the roles had been reversed, Even would have given him a second chance, would have given it time.  
  
Without knowing him, he still knew him.  
  
“I wish I could take it back. But I can’t.”  
  
“I know.” They started running again. “What do you remember?”  
  
“Only bits and pieces.”  
  
“Why are you here then?”  
  
“Because I woke up one day realising I didn't need to know him to love him. It’s fucking hard to explain, but despite not remembering him, knowing him, my body, heart and soul knows that I love him. And that what I did was wrong, and I needed to come down here and at least see if it could be fixed.”  
  
“It probably can’t.”  
  
“I figured. But I couldn't give up without at least trying.”  
  
“In this case, I think it would have been better if you did.”  
  
“You really hate me.”  
  
“You make his life worse by being here.”  
  
“That was never my intention.”  
  
Alexander sighed heavily. “You know, I used to really like you. Things change.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
They completed their workout in silence, parting ways after without saying goodbye and standing under the shower spray afterwards, Isak finally let himself cry. Cry for his lost memories, for everything that had happened to Even. Cry because he had fucked up everything.   
  
But after crying for a while he realised one very important thing. He had been in this position before. Granted, Even hadn't been as broken and Isak hadn't lost a part of himself. But he had fought for Even then. He could do it again.  
  
And hopefully, he could find the part of himself he had lost along the way.  
  


——————-

 

 

“Can we talk?”   
  
It was just a coincidence, Isak ending up behind Even in the breakfast queue. But he felt like it was a sign. And opportunity he shouldn't waste. Even turned around slowly, looked at him with those dull eyes. The eyes who used to be full of life, if the photos Isak had in his bag was telling the truth.  
  
“We have nothing to talk about.” Even said, tuning back around.  
  
“We have everything to talk about.” Isak countered.  
  
“Like what?” Even snapped at him.  
  
People was starting to look, so Isak held back from saying what he really wanted right now. “Can we talk somewhere private?”  
  
“I don’t have time for this now.”  
  
“When do you have time?”  
  
“For you? Never again.”  
  
And with that, Even just walked away, going over to his team’s table to eat. And Isak was left standing there alone. Again.  
  
But he felt like he deserved it.  
  
He had taken something pure and good and thrown it away.  
  
Now he was paying the price.  
  
—  
  
The days blurred together. Working at the medical centre was never dull, something happened every day. From big injuries to smaller once, they were always busy. Isak was grateful for that, grateful for the distraction.   
  
But fate being his enemy it seemed, he walked over a bed one afternoon to find the sniper team huddled around one of their own. He got a strange feeling of being in a similar situation before, reading the chart. Lucas. He could swear he recognised him. And the situation.  
  
He boy in question was yelling swearwords as his buddies. Clutching his arm, blood seeping from a wound.   
  
“Alright. Lucas, how are you feeling. I’m doctor Valtersen and I’ll be examining you.”  
  
“Are you fucking kidding me?” the boy answered.  
  
Isak just shrugged, pulling on glows. “I know you guys don’t like me, but hey, I’m what you get so…”  
  
“You seriously don’t remember?” Lucas deadpanned.  
  
“Nope. What are you referring to?”  
  
“We’ve been in this situation before.” Alexander finally spoke, fighting a smile.  
  
“Okay? Anyway. Can you move your hand away from the wound Lucas, so I can inspect it?”  
  
He was met with a groan. But Lucas did as he was told. Isak went to work quickly, cleaning the wound and sewing it up, giving Lucas some antibiotics and told him to rest for a few days.  
  
And he did it all without looking at Even once.  
  
—-  
  
“He hates my guts.”  
  
“Yeah I gathered.” Pia mumbled over lunch.  
  
“I don’t know what to do. I came back down here to fix my mistake. But I only seem to be making it worse.”  
  
“From what I’ve heard, a lot happened to Even between the time you left and now.”  
  
“Yeah. And I don’t blame him for hating me, I really don’t, I just..”  
  
“You just what, Isak? Expect him to forgive you and that things will be happy and fluffy and fucking rainbows?”  
  
“… are you pissed at me Pia?”  
  
“No, I- Kind of?” she shrugged. “I mean, I like Even. And i just heard what happened to him and.. I don’t know. I know you couldn't remember and that you didn't mean to be horrible to him, but” she struggled for words, “you fucking broke him Isak. You could have given him a fucking chance before you just up and ruined his life.”   
  
Then she just got up and left him sitting alone.  
  
—-  
  
He had realised after that last failed attempt that he should just respect Even and wait. Wait for the other one to come talk to him. At least wait a little while. Give him a little more time.  
  
But in the end, they didn't get any more time.   
  
One afternoon, a few weeks after Isak got to Syria, Even got admitted to the hospital wing. He had to be sedated, having done something reckless out in the field and clearly having a manic episode. Alexander wouldn't tell Isak what had happened, only that he had never seen Even have so many episodes in such a short time before and that he feared the military would kick him out soon.  
  
Isak felt the guilt kick him in the nuts - he was probably the reason for this episode as well.  
  
“I’ll make some calls, ask some of my coworkers back home. They might have suggestions to what kind of meds we can try for him, make them less frequent.” Isak said, signing the papers to admit Even and waved a hand at one of the nurses, giving her permission to administer the sedatives.   
  
“Thanks.” Alexander said, and walked away from him, over to the side of Even’s bed. The meds had already knocked him out. Alexander sat down, and Isak figured it was his que to leave. A voice stopped him. “Isak?”  
  
Isak turned around. “Yes?”  
  
“Don’t give up on him. On making him forgive you. Fight for him.” Alexander bit his lip, looking sad. “It hurts, seeing him like this. I know I said you being here was making him worse, but truth is, I think he needs you. He needs you to fight for him.”  
  
Isak felt a small smile spread across his face. “I intend to do that. I just don’t know how to get him to talk to me, so I figured I should give him time.”

  
“Don’t give him too much time. The longer you wait the worse it gets.”  
  
Isak didn't know how to answer that. He didn't know what to say or do. Ever since he came down here everyone had told him to stay away from Even and don’t fuck him up any more than he already was fucked up. Even had told him to fuck off, without using those exact words. He honestly didn't what to do. He had come down here, hoping that he could fix what he had broken, that he could fix them. But he didn't even have his memories back. He couldn't remember Even. Only bits and pieces. He couldn't remember their relationship, but he could feel the love they shared, deep in his chest. But was it enough? It probably wasn’t.   
  
“I don’t know what to do. I can’t remember. I only know what I feel, and I feel it deep down inside, I just know it: I love him. But I can’t describe it or justify it. I just know, it’s a feeling in my chest, deep, powerful, all-consuming. I love him, and I don’t even know him.”  
  
“Sometimes, all you need is love.”  
  
Isak let out a humourless laugh. “Somehow I have a feeling it’s gonna take more than that this time.”  
  
“Just don’t give up.”  
  
Isak wasn't planning on giving up. He just didn't know what to do yet. That wasn't the same as giving up. So he shook his head, said “I won’t” and left the room - he had more patients to attend to and he needed time and space to think, process. Figure out a plan.  
  
—  
  
Isak ended up being put on Even’s case. He was more experienced than anyone else with Even’s illness and the only person willing to enter that room - Even must have managed to intimidate every single person on the medical staff these past months.  
  
Even needed to be sedated for a few days before he crashed. And when he did, things got really difficult.   
  
Without having his memories, Isak just knew that this was bad. That Even hadn't ever been this down before. They couldn't get him to eat or leave the bed to pee. They had to insert a catheter and put him on IV fluids and nutrition.   
  
Isak was so worried, he ended up spending all his free time next to Even’s bed. He occupied himself with reading a book or a journal or playing games on his phone. Only leaving to check on other patients or for meals or showers or sleep.   
  
He felt bad for spending so much time sitting there doing nothing instead of being with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, but when he met them during the meals they told him it was fine - that Even needed him more. Even only slept, so Isak doubted he noticed the company at all. But he stayed none the less.   
  
Some times he watched Even sleep, watched the rise and fall of his chest, the way his face was clenched in worry or pain. The scars on his back and the tight, fit muscles on his arms and chest. Isak had to mentally smack himself for staring too much, too often.   
  
Right now Isak was reading a book. It wasn't very interesting, so his eyes kept drifting to Even’s sleeping form. The older boy was sweating, his face covered in it. Isak put the book aside, walked over to the sink and wetted a washcloth. 

 

Being as careful as possible, he wiped the sweat of Even’s face. He hesitated, debated washing the sweat on Even’s chest too, but decided it was too much of an invasion. Had it been another patient he would have done it, not thinking twice, but knowing Even hated him so much made it feel wrong to invade his privacy like this. He walked back to the sink, hung the washcloth on the edge and retreated to his seat.   
  
Just as he sat back down, Even stirred. Isak froze, waiting for Even to notice him and tell him to piss off. But the older boy just turned his head, looked at Isak and then tears started falling down his cheeks. Silent, but heavy tears.   
  
“Even…” Isak could stop himself from whispering, his voice breaking. This only made the older one cry even more, resulting in him sobbing within minutes.   
  
Isak didn't know what to do, so he walked over to the bed, carefully putting a hand on Even’s shoulder. Expecting to be pushed away, he was really surprised when Even grabbed his arm and tugged him closer, clutching onto him, forcing him into an awkward sort of hug. And Isak just accepted it, let Even pull him into a hug and ended up holding the older boy in his arms, laying next to him on the bed.   
  
They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. Even calmed down, slowly. When the tears stopped, he released his hold on Isak and pulled away. Isak decided it was probably best he moved away, and sat up slowly, to get off the bed.  
  
“Why are you leaving me?” Even’s voice stopped him.  
  
“Because you hate me.”  
  
“I don’t hate you.”  
  
“You kind of told everyone you do.”  
  
“I don’t.”  
  
Isak looked at the broken boy next to him. He had spent quite a lot of time reading about bipolar disorder, talking with everyone of his friends who also knew Even, so he would know how a depressive episode would affect the other boy. Even wouldn't be rational yet. He would be clearer than he would be when manic, but his judgement would still be clouded.   
  
And right now, what Even needed was for Isak not to leave him. So Isak stopped moving, and settled back down next to Even, dropping the discussion. “Okay.” He could do this. He could give Even what he needed now and handle the consequences later.   
  
“Okay?”  
  
“I’ll stay. We can talk later. Just sleep, Even.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
And he did. Even slept and Isak held him as he did.  
  
—-  
  
Even slept for days, and Isak only left him when he had to. He stopped going back to his room to sleep, sleeping next to Even instead. The other doctors didn't pry, they all knew the story, Even’s diagnosis and no-one ever battered an eye.  
  
Isak was thankful for that. Because he knew this could end up being weird. One of these days Even would get better and then things would probably blow up. Not having anyone hanging over them would help.  
  
Isak looked at the sleeping boy next to him. He looked a little more relaxed now, and yesterday Isak had managed to talk him into eating something. They didn't talk about anything beyond “are you thirsty” and “do you want another pillow” countered with Even’s pleading “don’t leave me”.  
  
It truly broke Isak’s heart in tiny little pieces. Every night now, he dreamed of different memories. He was remembering so much, he wasn't even sure if there was blanks left in his mind now. Being this close to Even, holding him in his arms, made the memories spring to life.   
  
He knew it would hurt. When Even came to and realised he still hated Isak, when he was better and didn't need Isak anymore. It would be painful and he would die on the inside. But at least he knew why Even had ended up being so broken. Laying here, holding Even in his arms, he wanted to fall apart crying. Isak hated himself for what he had done to Even. No matter how much he reminded himself that he hadn't know, it wasn't good enough. It couldn't justify it.   
  
Isak had been an asshole and Even hadn't deserved that kind of crap. Isak should have given him a chance. But he hadn’t. He had just signed the papers and forgotten about it, like it was nothing. Meaningless.   
  
He hadn't told the boys about the memories yet. He hadn't had time to sit down with them apart from meals, and he needed more time than that to talk about this. So he figured he could tell them later, when Even pushed him away.  
  
And much sooner than he expected, the day came.  
  
He came back from eating dinner to find Even sitting up in bed, just having finished his own. Entering the room, he sensed that the atmosphere had changed. Even didn't look soft and tired and sad anymore. His eyes looked hard and his body tense and rigid. Isak stopped at the door.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hey.” Even answered, sounding softer than he looked.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
“Better.”  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
Even swallowed. “Thank you. I’m sorry I forced you to be here, I didn’t mean to put this on your shoulders.”  
  
“It’s fine.” Isak said, waving a hand. It was fine. What wasn't fine was that Isak knew this was it. Even didn't need him anymore, but Isak still needed Even. “I guess I’ll be leaving then.” he said, figuring it would be better to leave by his own choice than having Even telling him to get lost.  
  
“I meant it Isak.” Even called after him, making him stop and turn around. “When I said I didn't hate you. Because I don’t.”  
  
Isak swallowed hard, blinking back the tears. “I finally got my memories back. And… And I-I hate myself for what I did to you Even. I won’t ask for forgiveness, because I will never earn it. I just needed you to know this: I came back down because despite not remembering you, knowing you… I knew that I loved you.”  
  
And then he left, heavy hot tears falling from his eyes.  


 

 

  
This time, it was Isak falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Dancing On My Own, Calum Scott


	5. MEET ME ON THE BATTLEFIELD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, normally I don't ever do dedications, but this time I will. I'm dedicating this chapter to Darkprincessdreams, your song suggestion inspired this chapter and made me work faster. Thank you so much!
> 
> I will probably need some time to write the next chapter, but it will come. And I promise you all, I still plan on that happy ending <3

 

 

 

**_ And meet me on the battlefield  
Even on the darkest night  
I will be your sword and shield,  
Your camouflage, and you will be mine _ **

**_ Echoes of the shots ring out  
We may be the first to fall  
Everything could stay the same  
Or we could change it all _ **

 

**_ \------- _ **

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
Isak made it his mission to avoid Even the next couple of days. He stayed at his bunk most of the time, only leaving to work, eat and shower. He declined working out with his friends and the could see they started to worry. He still hadn't told them about the memories, but he knew he had to. Soon.   
  
He just needed more time to grieve.   
  
It took nearly a week before Isak finally went for a jog around camp. He had been slacking and he knew it. He had been sad and hurting and didn't give a flying fuck. But coming back from dinner tonight, he had felt restless watching his friends leave to go to training. So, knowing they wouldn't be back for another hour, Isak figured he could go for a jog. And after pushing through the first heavy steps, it was actually quite soothing. He was running alone, the sun was setting and the air getting colder. It was nice. Pretty, even. And while there were other people jogging and walking around and doing stuff, no-one bothered him.  
  
Well, at least not for the first lap.   
  
When he passed the spot where he started, a person ran up to him, falling into step with him. He turned his head, expected to see one of his friends, or Alexander, or maybe Pia.   
  
But his eyes landed on Even.  
  
“Hey.” Even said.  
  
Isak mumbled a hey back, searching his own mind, trying to find a reason for Even to seek him out like this. Yes, he had admitted to having his memories back. But he had broken what they had beyond repair. Even hated him, and rightly so. Could he be here to yell at him? Beat him up? Okay, no. Even would never hurt him like that. But he could yell, or tell him to go fuck himself or go home. Isak felt his heart start to beat faster.  
  
“Is it okay that I run with you?” Even asked.  
  
“Sure.” Isak replied, instead of asking one of the million questions in his mind.  
  
The ran in silence for a few minutes. Isak kept sneaking looks at Even. He looked so much better than when Isak first arrived at camp. Healthier. Happier. Which was weird; he had just spent weeks in a hospital bed. Isak tore his eyes away. Focused on running. Breathing. His mind racing.   
  
“Do you think we could be friends?” Even suddenly asked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Friends. You think we could do that?”  
  
“You hate me.”  
  
“I don’t, I told you that.”  
  
“Well, you should, after everything I’ve done.”  
  
“You didn't know, you had lost your memories.”  
  
“Not an excuse.”  
  
“Yes it is.”  
  
“I’m a horrible person and you should hate me.”  
  
“Stop that. Can we be friends Isak?”  
  
Isak turned his head, looked at Even. Meeting his blue eyes, seeing his soft and careful smile, and nothing in the world could stop him from answering “Yes.”  
  
  
  
—-  
  
  
It became weird. Even would join him for training, smile at him and say hello when they crossed paths and quickly the other boy became suspicious. It took three and a half day before they cornered Isak while he was laying on his bed, reading a magazine.  
  
“Spill, Valtersen.”  
  
Isak looked up, meeting Jonas’ eyes. “What?”  
  
“You and Even. What’s up?” Mahdi joined in.  
  
“Yeah, why is he suddenly smiling at you?” Magnus added, all three now sitting down on the bed next to Isak’s.  
  
Isak put his magazine away and looked at his friends. “He asked if we could be friends.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I thought he hated you?!”  
  
“That’s awesome!”  
  
Isak smiled, feeling like it might have ended up as a grimace. He wasn't sure how great he thought this was, it was probably more kind of weird. Being friends with a person you broke, who you love so deeply your soul hurts, who will never be anything but your friend again.  
  
“Isak. What’s up?” Jonas said.  
  
Isak meet his best friend’s eyes, and drew a deep breath before just spilling the words out. “I got my memories back.”  
  
The silence that followed was tense. Pia and Maren walked over and sat down too, everyone just looking at Isak, waiting for him to say more.  
  
But there wasn't more to say, because at this point the memories didn't actually change anything. They didn't help the situation, or change it. They didn't affect anything. The only thing they did was breaking his heart more. “They came back. But it doesn't matter now, because I’ve fucking ruined it. And yeah, he decided to be my friend and I don’t fucking know why, because I sure as hell doesn't deserve it.” Isak said, getting up from his bed, pulling on his shoes and starting to walk away.   
  
“Wait, Isak!” Jonas yelled after him.  
  
Isak stopped for a second, turned around.  
  
“Does Even know? About the memories? About you coming down here because you knew you loved him, without memories?” Jonas asked, walking towards him.  
  
Isak gave his best friend a weak smile. “Yeah. And it doesn't change a thing.” And then he left the room, walking out into the darkness, not knowing where he was going but knowing he couldn't stay here right now.  
  
When he was sure they wouldn't follow him, he finally let the tears fall freely.  
  
  
——

 

 

 

He ended up watching the stars in the same spot he had watched them with Even a long time ago. He sat down, crossed his legs and just looked at the stars. They were just as pretty as he remembered, now that he finally had his memories back. Those fucking memories.  
  
He hated himself for everything he had done to Even. He hated that he had lost his memories. He hated that everyone seemed to have decided Isak was the bad guy here. He probably was to blame for some of it, but why hadn't Jonas stopped him? Why hadn't his friends made him wait, try, see? Why hadn't Even fought for him?  
  
Isak found himself getting angry, but the anger soon faded. Anger didn't help, because it would fix this. So Isak started crying again. The tears just fell, hot and heavy from his eyes. He couldn’t stop them, didn't want to either.   
  
“Isak?” he heard a voice behind him. A voice he knew all too well. A voice that made his body shiver, in a good way, and his heart clench, in a bad way.  
  
“Hey.” he just said, not looking away from the stars.  
  
“Why are you sitting here all by yourself?” Even asked him, sitting down next to him, leaving some room between them. It made Isak’s heart clench even harder.  
  
“Because everyone hates me. And I deserve it I guess. I hate me.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Why what?”  
  
“Why do you hate yourself?”  
  
Isak turned his head, looked at Even. The stars and the moon shone so brightly, making it easy to see Even, meet his eyes, despite the darkness. Isak let himself drown in those eyes a few seconds longer than what was appropriate.   
  
“Because I ruined us.”  
  
Even looked away at that. Took a few seconds to answer. Isak didn't mind. Silence was kind of nice actually, despite everything he was still comfortable being next to Even in silence.  
  
“You didn't do anything wrong Isak. You lost your memories. I’m the one who went crazy.”  
  
“You’re not crazy.” Isak interjected.  
  
“Yes, I am.”  
  
“No. You're bipolar. Not crazy.”  
  
“Kind of the same thing.”  
  
“No. It’s not. Don’t you dare talk about yourself that way, it’s not okay.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I-“ he bit his tongue. He couldn't say those words. Not because they weren't true, but because they were. Isak had fucked up too bad to ever fix this, and saying it wouldn't help any of them.  
  
“Isak… We can’t go back.” Even said.  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“I still care for you.” Even continued. “But these past six months almost ruined me. And I can’t ever go though that again. I’m so sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine Even. I don’t expect you to forgive me.”  
  
“It’s nothing to forgive Isak. It’s not your fault.”  
  
“Everyone else says it is.”  
  
“Don’t fucking listen to them. I’m telling you, it’s not your fault. You were hurting too. And I still care deeply about you. But I need to put myself back together, I need to find my way back and I can’t go though something like this again.”  
  
Isak looked at Even. The person he had ruined, the person he had hurt. And saw nothing but care and kindness in his eyes. Even was sitting here, in the middle of a war-zone, telling him he hadn't done anything wrong. Even, the one who had been hurt by this, who had suffered so much these past months. But at the same time, hearing that Even wasn't blaming him, didn't hate him, made it harder. Because they would still never be what they once were. They could never be Isak and Even again. And that hurt so much, Isak found himself wishing Even could hate him instead. “I feel like I deserve your hate. Can’t you just hate me instead?”  
  
“I could never hate you, Isak.”  
  
The silence that followed became too heavy and tears started falling from Isak’s eyes again. Strong arms pulled him into a hug, a soft voice told him not to cry. Isak knew he should fight against it, but he let himself melt into Even’s embrace, letting himself be held as he cried.  
  
“I can’t be with you Isak. But I really want to be your friend, if you’ll let me.”  
  
And while Isak knew he should decline the offer, pack his bags and go home, try to move on, let his heart heal, he couldn’t. He couldn't give up, despite there being nothing to fight for. His heart wouldn't let him. So he just whispered a soft yet sad “Okay” and let Even hold him for a while longer.  
  


———  
  
  
Isak made it his mission to avoid his friends for the next few days. He didn't join them for breakfast, ate dinner before they returned and pretended to be asleep when they entered the room. It worked for about three days.  
  
“I know you're not sleeping.” Jonas had sat down on his bed, and shook his shoulder gently.   
  
Isak just turned over, and looked at his best friend. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”  
  
“Why didn't you tell me that you’ve got your memories back? It’s a big deal.” Jonas said, ignoring what he had said.  
  
“Because it fucking hurts.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I thought you were prepared for that. That it would hurt.”  
  
“Obviously not.”  
  
“And Even?”  
  
“Wants to be friends.”  
  
“That’s good, right?”  
  
“I don’t know. He’s the only one who’s not telling me I’m to blame at least.” Isak said, bitterly.  
  
“Hey now, I don’t blame you and you know it.”  
  
“Fine, it’s you and Even then.”  
  
“And probably most people. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe I should have listened to my wife and stopped you from signing the papers, but I just couldn't force you to do something you didn't want to. But if you look at it like that, you will find that we’re all to blame, in some way or another. We should all have tried to stop you, helped you more, done more. Fought harder. All of us. That includes Even. But mostly, I should have interfered. And I didn’t. And I’m sorry.”  
  
“It wasn't your fault Jonas.”  
  
“It wasn't anyone’s fault.” Jonas said. “Sometimes, things just happen, without being anyones fault.”  
  
“Yeah… I just wish it never happened. I don’t know how to get past this, to get over it. Get over him.”  
  
“Why do you have to get over him? I thought he said-“  
  
“Friends, Jonas. He said we could never be anything but friends again.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Don’t give up. Things change. Just hold on, wait and see.”  
  
Isak didn't answer, because he didn't have it in him to argue against Jonas right now. But his silence didn't mean he was agreeing.   
  
  
——  
  
  
It was weird. Seeing Even smiling at him all the time, saying hello whenever they met, asking him if he wanted to come for a run. But Isak couldn't bring himself to say no, to tell Even to back off. Because he wanted to be close to Even, no matter how much it hurt. He loved him, and he would probably never stop.  
  
Right now they were running together. Even had invited him to join target practice later, but Isak hadn't decided if he was going or not yet.  
  
“Do you ever regret it? Letting your life take this direction instead of the one you planned for?” Even asked him.  
  
“My life kind of planned out like I imagined.”  
  
“You imagined a war zone?”  
  
“I imagined that I would be a doctor and I imagined a life with you. I got both.” Isak shrugged. Didn't add the part about loosing it again. It was unspoken between them, he could see it on Even’s face. The pain between them. Isak hated himself for feeling like this, but he was secretly comforted by this, by the fact that Even also was hurting. That it wasn't just him hurting. “What about you? I know you had imagined another life.”  
  
“Directing movies you mean?” Even said, shaking his head. “Nah, it was a childhood dream. I grew out of it.”  
  
“When they rejected your application?”  
  
“When you said you loved me regardless.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Our life together was much better than any life I could ever have imagined, Isak. Just because I can’t go back doesn't mean I regret anything. Or love you any less.”  
  
Isak shook his head. “Please don’t… I can’t hear you say that right now.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine.”  
  
The silence came. They ran three laps around camp before Even announced that he needed to get to target practice. Invited Isak one more time.   
  
Isak debated it. The sniper team would be there. Maybe his friends too. And right now he felt like hiding, being alone and sobbing his broken heart out.  
  
He agreed to join.  
  
-  
  
As they approached the people already at the target area, Isak found some comfort in the fact that Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi wasn't there. He didn't need their pity right now.  
  
He ended up sitting down and just watching, not really knowing if he should try to join or not. Even seemed to pick up on this, and came walking over, held out a hand to help him to his feet and said “Come on, I’ll help you.”  
  
And again, Isak couldn't say no.  
  
They walked over to where Even had been standing, and Even handed him the rifle. Which was heavier than Isak remembered.   
  
“You just look through the scope, find the target and aim. Remember to breathe, but hold your breath just as you fire, to make the shot steadier.” Isak tried to do as Even told him, and after a few misses, he had an almost hit.   
  
“Nice one!”  
  
“Thanks.” Isak said, turning around, coming face to face with Even, a little too close.  
  
Even’s eyes focused on his, their gazes locked. Seconds ticked by, Isak’s heart started racing, and just as he was about to say something, Even stepped back. “Sorry. I can’t.”  
  
“It’s fine Even. Can I try one more shot?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
Isak turned around, got back into position, and with Even’s guidance, managed another shot. Pleased with himself, he handed the rifle back to Even and watched him for a while. He hit the mark every time.   
  
“Hello.” a voice behind him said. Isak turned around, saw a charming boy smiling at him. His name tag red Gregers. “I’m Simen.” the boy held out his hand.  
  
Isak grabbed it. “Isak. Valtersen.” he said, a bit uncertain. People rarely did this down here, introduced themselves and shook hands. But whatever. He decided to go with it.   
  
“I’m part of the sniper team.” Simen said, standing next to Isak and watching Even.  
  
“Doctor here.” Isak said.  
  
“I’ve heard about you, so I know. I work with Even.”  
  
“Ah.”  
  
“He seems so much better now. He said something about changing the meds?”  
  
“This is kind of confidential information.” Isak squirmed. He hated when people asked him personal stuff about other people, information he couldn't share. It was so uncomfortable.  
  
“I know. He said you were the one who worked it out. The right dosage.”  
  
“I have some contacts.” Isak just said, hoping to end the conversation there.  
  
No such luck. “Why do you care so much, Isak? You left him here. Sent him those papers.”  
  
Isak turned towards the boy next to him. “Who are you?”  
  
“Even’s friend.”  
  
“Funny, because I don’t remember you, but I remember everyone else.”  
  
“We’ve become close while you were away.”  
  
Isak rose an eyebrow. Read between the words. “Really now.” he just said.  
  
“Yup.” Simen said, devilish grin playing on his lips. “And I would appreciate it if you stayed away. You being this close hurts him and I don’t like it.”

  
Isak raised both eyebrows. “He invited me here. So I’m staying.” And then he walked away from Simen before he could say anything really bad, and walked over to Alexander instead.   
  
“I see you've met Simen.” Alexander just said, handing Isak a water bottle.  
  
“Yes, what the fuck?”  
  
“He’s a cocky little bastard.”  
  
“Eh, yeah? What’s up with that?” Isak took a sip of the bottle.  
  
“He was trained by Even. While you were away. Even was kind of… cocky and harsh. And so Simen became cocky and harsh too.”  
  
“He basically laid down a claim on Even. Told me to back off.”  
  
“Really? Wow.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Well, good luck Isak.” Alexander laughed.  
  
“You really think he has a shot?”  
  
“I’m not trying to be mean, because I do like you, but yeah. He has a better shot than you.”  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
“Indeed.”  
  
Isak stayed with Alexander until it was time to leave, and he tried to stop his stomach from turning when he saw Even give Simen a quick one armed hug. And when Even smiled at him afterwards, he tried to stop the butterflies in his chest.  
  
  
——  
  
“He won’t take my calls Isak.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. He’s mad right now. Just give it some time, I’ll talk to him Eva.”  
  
He was on the phone with Eva. She had been admitted to he hospital because she fainted and the hospital had called Jonas. Who then figured out his wife was pregnant, hadn't told him and on top of that encouraged him to leave her in this state. Jonas was kind of furious. Isak didn't mention that he knew. He didn't dare.   
  
“You were right. I should have told him.”  
  
“You should have. But you can’t change the past Eva. And he will forgive you, he’s just upset right now. He loves you, no matter what. Don’t cry, okay?” he could hear her sniffle on the other end of the line. “How are you feeling? Are you okay?”  
  
“I have a bruise on my shoulder from when I fell but other than that I’m fine. Just exhausted and sad and hungry.”  
  
Isak laughed. “Just make sure you get plenty of rest. Are you still at the hospital?”  
  
“Yes. But I need to get home, my mom can’t babysit any longer, she has work. And Jonas’ parents are on holiday and can’t get a ticket home. I don’t know what to do Isak.”  
  
“I can call Even’s parents? They have watched her before.”  
  
“You think they’ll do it? I mean, you and Even are kind of…”  
  
“Friends. We are friends. I’ll ask.”  
  
“Thank you Isak.”  
  
“No problem Eva. Just rest, okay? And I’ll talk to them.”  
  
“Okay. Bye.”

  
“Bye Eva.”  
  
After hanging up, he considered whether he should ask Even’s permission or not before calling, but decided he could ask for forgiveness instead. It was the middle of the day and Even wouldn't be back until late, and this couldn't wait. So he called Even’s mother, who asked him a million questions, thanked him for helping Even, wishfully asked if they were back together and said that she would happily watch Silje for however long Eva needed help. Isak thanked her, and promised to come for dinner when he came back home.  
  
After hanging up, he realised that lunch break was over and that he needed to get back to work. He decided to text Eva, and call her back later.  
  
  
FROM ISAK TO EVA  
  
They will gladly watch Silje. I’ll call you later with the details, or you can just call them. Please be careful and stay in bed. I’ll make sure Jonas talks to you soon. Miss you <3  
  
  
  
  
Entering the medical tent, he almost collided with Pia. Who was still acting cold towards him.   
  
“Pia.”  
  
“Isak.”  
  
“Why do you hate me so much?”  
  
“I don’t, I just-“  
  
“Blame me for what happened to Even? That’s kind of unfair. Especially since he doesn’t. Blame me that is. He said it wasn't my fault. He’s basically the only person who hasn't been seen to me about this.”  
  
“Isak, I-“  
  
“It hurts me too. That he was hurt. And I can’t stand you being mad at me now. I need a friend. I need us to be friends again.”  
  
“We are friends Isak. It’s what I’m trying to say. I talked to Even too. And I was wrong, being angry at you. I shouldn't have said what I did, I just got emotional and I fucked up. I just didn't know how to tell you I’m sorry. Forgive me?”  
  
Isak was taken aback by her little rant, and took a second to collect himself, take in what she said. Hearing her say this made his chest a little lighter. So he smiled and pulled her into a hug. “Of course I forgive you.”  
  
And just like that, things were a little more normal again. They treated patients together and when neither had any more stuff to do, they sat down and talked about what had happened these past weeks. Isak told her about being friends with Even. About Even not wanting to be anything other than friends. Which was fine, and understandable. But it still hurt, and Pia said that he was allowed to hurt.   
  
Isak told her about Simen, which made her mad.  
  
“He seriously thinks he has a shot? Wow.”  
  
“He might have one, you know. Just because Even doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean that he doesn't want anyone else.”  
  
“I refuse to believe Even wants anyone but you. Like ever. You guys are Evak.”  
  
“Evak?”  
  
“Even and Isak. Mash up of your names.”  
  
“Catchy.” he smirked at her.  
  
“Oh shut it. We needed some form for entertainment.”  
  
They both laughed, sharing a moment of simple joy, before reality came back.  
  
“Seriously Isak, don’t sweat it. I’m sure it will work out somehow. It always does.”  
  
“Maybe.”  
  
And before Isak could say anything else, they were called back to work by the arrival of another injured solider and the conversation stopped there.  
  


———  
  
He ate dinner with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. The three of them were trying to talk sense into Jonas, who was still angry.  
  
“She fucking kept it a secret.”  
  
“She was probably just scared man.” Mahdi shrugged.  
  
“Scared? Then she should have told me. I have a right to know!”  
  
“She didn't want it to be a part of your decision. That’s why she didn't tell you.” Isak said.  
  
“How do you know?” Jonas bit back at him.  
  
“You won’t fucking talk to her so she called me. She is alone, in the hospital and her husband won’t talk to her. She knows she should have told you and she’s sorry, and fuck… just talk to her, okay?” Isak snapped back. “I have to fucking call my ex in-laws today to get Eva a babysitter for Silje. If I can do that, you can pick up the phone and talk to your wife.”  
  
Isak got to his feet, abandoning the food, and walked away. On his way out of the eating area, he almost walked straight into Even.  
  
“Oh. Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t sweat it.” Even smiled. “I kind of overheard you guys. Is Eva pregnant again?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“That’s cool. So you talked to my parents huh?”  
  
“Yeah, sorry. I would have asked for your permission but you weren't here…”  
  
“It’s fine. They love Silje. I think they always wished for grandchildren, but I never gave them any so.”  
  
“You wanted children?” Isak asked, surprised.  
  
“I never wanted for anything. I had all I wanted.”  
  
“And now?”  
  
“Do I want children now? I dunno. Maybe. Depends I guess.”  
  
Isak just nodded, thoughtfully.  
  
“How about you?” Even asked.  
  
“Never thought about it. Not to copy your words, but I had everything I wanted, so…”  
  
Even smiled at him, and Isak couldn't help but smile back. And for a small second, he felt like things could be okay. Maybe. But then Simen came walking up beside Even, grinning and telling Even about something they just had to go and do, and Isak was left watching them walk away after a quick goodbye from Even and a wicked grin from Simen.  
  
Isak ended up going back to his bed and calling Eva back. Small talking with her despite knowing the phone bill would be enormous, because he knew she needed someone to talk to right now.  
  
A few hours later, Jonas came in, fresh from the shower, and upon realising that Isak was on the phone with Eva, he just held out his hand, asking for the phone. Isak handed it over, and sat back on his bed, watching his best friend apologise to his wife and tell her he loved her and that everything would be fine.  
  
When Isak’s phone was low on battery, Jonas hung up and handed it back.  
  
“I’m sorry Isak.”  
  
“Don’t be. It’s okay to get mad and be hurt. But Eva needed you to get over it, so I just figured I had to push you.”  
  
“Thank you for that.”  
  
They sat there in silence. The others had gone to join movie night. Isak didn't want to go, incase Even was there. With Simen. He couldn't handle that.  
  
“I think Even has found someone else.” he told Jonas.  
  
“Why do you think that?”  
  
“Have you seen that guy he’s with all the time, the short, skinny one?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“He kind of told me to back of Even and heavily hinted to there being something between them.”  
  
Jonas looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Have you asked Even about it?”  
  
“No. We’re not really at a point where it feels appropriate to ask anyway.”  
  
“I see. I don’t know what to tell you man. Things are so fucked up right now and I wish I could help you fix your problems, but I can’t even fix my own.”  
  
“It’s okay. They're my problems to fix. Don’t sweat it. How do you like it out there?”  
  
Jonas had gotten a job guarding the snipers, same job Alexander had. But he wasn't with any of the snipers Isak knew.   
  
“Yeah, the guys are nice and the work is okay. It’s a little too hot for my liking, but better than Magnus and Mahdi’s jobs.” Jonas smiled.   
  
Magnus and Mahdi were driving vans, to and from missions and the airport and transporting people around, basically. It was a little more dangerous, but not as bad as working with the ground teams.  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
“How’s your job going? Saving a lot of lives?”  
  
“Well, yeah. But it feels like I’m loosing to many. I’m good, I’m just not that good. I can’t save everyone, because I can’t be everywhere all the time. I hate it.”  
  
“I get that. I watch the snipers make impossible choices. Sometimes they decide against and some of the guys on the ground ends up on your table. It’s an never ending judgement call and it’s really fucking hard.”  
  
“Yeah. But it’s what we came down here for, right? To save as many lives as we could, do our best, make a difference. We knew it would be hard.”  
  
“I never imagined it would be this hard. How did you do it, last time? When you went down to get Even back.”  
  
“Love. That’s how I did it.”  
  


———

 

 

Isak found himself wandering around camp again that night. It was a little cloudy and the stars weren't so bright. But it was fine. He ended up sitting in the same spot, watching the sky anyway. It was dark, almost to dark to see. But peaceful. He knew that just outside the fence, there was a war. And he could probably get shot out here, if the enemies snuck up on them. But he still felt peace, sitting here.  
  
“Since you're the one with the theories, do you have one explaining why we keep running into each other?” Even’s voice came behind him.  
  
Isak smiled for himself. Of course he could. It was fate. The parallel universe theory. They belonged together. But instead, he just shrugged his shoulders and replied “The theory about coincidences I guess.” as Even sat down.  
  
“Ah. As you know, I have a hard time believing in such.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“How are you, Isak?”  
  
“Horrible, thanks for asking. How are you?”  
  
“I’ve been better. But also worse. Why horrible?”  
  
“My life is a tragedy right now. Maybe it will pass, maybe it won’t. But don’t worry, I will figure it out. This is my mess, I have to fix it.”  
  
“If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.”  
  
“Not really. This is something you can’t help me with, Even.”  
  
“And what is this I can’t help you with?”  
  
Isak turned his head, looked Even right in the eyes and simply said: “Getting over you.”   
  
Then he got up and walked away, without looking back. And Even didn't come after him.  
  
  
———  
  
Even stayed away the next few days. He was smiling and saying hi whenever they met, but he didn't seek out Isak anymore. Isak didn't know what to make of it, but he found himself appreciate the space. It made it a little easier to breathe, a little less sad.  
  
He ate breakfast with his friends, worked, ate lunch with Pia, worked some more and then dinner with the boys before they worked out. Some nights he spent at the medical wing, tending to patients. There were so many patients now, and not enough doctors to tend to them. The most serious cases got flown out as soon as they were stable, the people with injuries that would take a long time to heal was evacuated too.  
  
Isak was up to his elbows in work when one of the nurses came running, telling him he had to go outside and meet the commander by the helipad.   
  
“I can’t leave, I have a few more stitches to complete here.”  
  
“I can take over.” Pia said.   
  
Isak looked at her. He knew she could, but technically it was his job, nurses wasn't allowed. He turned to the other nurse. “Did he say what it was about?”  
  
“A solider injured on the field, evacuation isn't possible but he needs urgent medical care.”  
  
“Fuck it. Pia, take over here.” Isak said, stepping back from the table and pulling off the surgical gown. He debated taking a minute to change his scrubs, who were bloody and awful, but he figured the solider out on the field needed him sooner rather than later and grabbed some gear, rushing out.  
  
Outside he met the commander, who walked with him to the helipad. “It’s the sniper team. They were made by an enemy sniper and one man got hit. We can’t get them out of there, because he can’t walk. We can’t land the chopper on the roof they're at, so we will get as close as possible and you will have to jump out. We are working on eliminating the enemy sniper so we can evacuate everyone, but in the meantime, we need you to save this guy’s life.”  
  
Isak just nodded. “Any medical history I need to know on this guy, who affects medication or equipment?”  
  
“None listed.”  
  
“Okay.” Isak said, climbing into the chopper.   
  
“Thank you Valtersen. Be careful out there.”  
  
“I’ll try.” Isak replied as the door shut and the chopper took off.  
  
-  
  
He didn't particularly like riding the chopper, but he managed. As they came closer to their destination, Isak felt his heart beat faster. It was a mess down there. The pilot had a lot of trouble getting to the drop off point, but when he finally did, Isak was able to jump out easily, and was caught by the soldiers on the rooftop.  
  
Who turned out to be Even and Alexander. Looking at the solider on the ground, Isak quickly recognised Simen, and wanted to groan. What were the fucking odds.  
  
But he didn’t. He opened his bag and walked over, being professional about this, started to work. The bullet was dangerously close to the heart, and any movement could make Simen bleed out. Isak cursed beneath his breath.  
  
“What?” Alexander demanded.  
  
“Fucking shit.” Isak mumbled, looking through his bag.   
  
“Tell me.” Simen said, squirming in pain. Which wasn’t a surprise, it looked really fucking painful.  
  
“Hold him fucking still!” Isak barked quickly, and Alexander and Even complied. “Any movements on that bullet and he dies.” he found what he looked for. “Bloodtype and allergies?” he asked them, mostly directed at Simen.  
  
“O neg and none that we know of.” Alexander answered, as Simen was screaming in pain.  
  
Isak nodded, readied a syringe and injected Simen with painkillers. “And your blood type?”  
  
“O neg. Why?”  
  
“Good. We might need a transfusion and you're the only compatible donor here.”  
  
Alexander just nodded. Even looked pale. Isak looked back and forwards between them. “I’m gonna need your help to save his life. You have to do everything I tell you, and no matter what you can’t let him move.”   
  
When they both nodded, he started, ignoring Simen’s gut wrenching screams and focused on saving his life.  
  
—  
  
They made it. Simen passed out quite early, Alexander gave him some blood and by the time the bullet was out and Simen was stable, the evacuation team got to them. When they arrived back, Isak made sure Simen got more blood and the right medications. They needed to monitor him the next 24 hours, but it looked promising.  
  
Right now Simen was out cold and Even and Alexander was standing by his bed.  
  
“Thank you Isak. Really.” Even said.  
  
Isak ignored the pain in his chest and just nodded. “It’s my job.”  
  
“And you're really good at it.” Even added.  
  
Isak smiled, grabbing an IV and starting to connect it. “Well, thank you. What happened out there?”  
  
“There was an enemy sniper. We told him to stay down, but he was so sure he could make the shot with a better visual, so he stood up, and got hit instantly.” Alexander said, before shivering. “It was bloody awful and I thought he was dead.”  
  
“Yeah, I’ve never seen anyone be shot with a sniper-bullet up close before.” Even said. “It looked terrifying.”  
  
“I bet.” Isak nodded. “He’s not out of the woods yet, there might be other injuries we haven't found yet, but they will take him for a scan as soon as possible.”  
  
“What are his chances?” Alexander asked.  
  
“I’m not sure. Need that scan first.” Isak shrugged. “Might be good, might need another surgery. One in the OR this time.”   
  
“Valtersen! We need you in the OR!” a nurse screamed, and Isak left the mediation to the nurse next to him, turning on his heel to run. He hated this, the fact that they were so few doctors on so many patients. He had asked several times for more doctors, but the commander couldn't get anyone. There weren't more doctors willing to come down to a war zone. He got that, but at the same time not. They were more needed here than back home.  
  
Scrubbing his hands quickly, pulling on a fresh gown, he walked into the OR…

 

 

Finding Jonas on the table.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Meet Me On The Battlefield, Svrcina


	6. ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I am so sorry about the wait!
> 
> The last few weeks have been crazy! I've had so much to do i haven't even had time to turn my computer on. And today I was leaving for holiday, which meant another 10 days without writing! But I couldn't do that, I owe you guys another chapter and I need to write this story. So I brought it, and here it is, chapter 6!
> 
>  
> 
> I do have to add a trigger warning for this one, I'm sorry about that, but I need this chapter to make the story how I want it. If you think it might trigger you in anyway, don't read this chapter! PM me on tumblr instead and I'll give you a summary of the chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT)

 

 

 

 

_** I put your mother through hell, don't you mind  
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind  
Oh, I was thinking 'bout killing myself, don't you mind  
I love you, don’t you mind, don’t you mind ** _

 

 

 

 

The minute Even signed the papers, his world crashed and burned. He spent days in bed, refusing to move. Just breathing hurt. He couldn't even sleep, he was just laying there, occasionally feeling the tears drip down his cheeks, hugging a pillow and wishing he was dead. Alexander eventually forced him to move, and somehow he managed to drag himself back into the world.  
  
Isak had been everything to Even. His whole world, his entire life. The only thing that mattered, the only thing he cared about. The glue holding his broken pieces together.  
  
One time he had told Isak that ‘It’s impossible to lose someone, because all people are essentially alone anyway’, but over the years he had realised that wasn't true. He had lost Isak twice now. Once because he messed up, big time. But he managed to get him back. Now, Isak couldn't even remember who he was. And there was no way to fix that.  
  
He had actually believed that would be the worst. Isak not remembering him. That it couldn't get any worse, his heart couldn't hurt more than it already did.   
  
But the papers came, and his heart shattered into a million little pieces.   
  
Every breath hurt, every step was agony, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find a reason to keep going. The minute he signed those papers, he lost his willpower. He didn't want to do anything anymore, and the future was just darkness.   
  
He wanted to die. Without Isak, Even didn't want to live.  
  
—-  
  
He had tried to get out of going. But here he was, on a rooftop with Alexander and this new guy, another person to train. He couldn't really remember his name, but it didn't matter. He didn't care. They just stayed in silence. The new guy were in position, and luckily he hadn't asked Even any questions yet. He was happy about that, having to deal with someone like Simen would have made him lose it today.  
  
“Næsheim? I think I see movement on a rooftop over there. Might be an enemy sniper.”  
  
Even just leaned back, closed his eyes and didn't answer. He couldn't deal with this shit today. He had barely gotten out of bed, and specifically said he would only go out if he didn't need to do any teaching. The commander had assured him that this guy could basically handle himself completely. That he wouldn't need any help from Even.   
  
All lies.  
  
“Even?” Alexander asked.  
  
Even ignored him too. He couldn't deal with this now.   
  
“I need a second opinion before I fire.” the new guy said again.  
  
Silence.  
  
“Come on Even, just bloody answer!” Alexander was angry with him. Like always.  
  
And why wouldn't he be? Seemed like everyone hated Even anyway. He had no friends, Isak didn't even know who he was anymore. What did he have to live for?  
  
Alexander had kept reminding him what he was here for; saving lives and making a difference.  
  
But Even didn't care anymore. He had cared about the world going to shit when he had Isak. But without Isak, he didn't need the world anymore.  
  
“EVEN!”  
  
He turned his head, looked at Alexander. His friend looked hysterical. Panicked. 

 

Even didn't care. 

 

He just got to his feet, knowing what he wanted to do. Knowing the solution to this mess. He walked over to the edge, despite the protests of the other two. He just walked over to the edge, and in a quick simple movement, he climbed up, looking down at the street below them.  
  
“EVEN!”  
  
He ignored Alexander. He just took a deep breath. Steadied himself. Thought about how easy this was. He had heard people describe suicide as something that took courage, something that demanded willpower and strength and dedication. That you had to really want to do it in order to be able to. But for Even this was so much easier than living. The mere thought of it was comforting, soothing even. He would be rid of all this pain and hurt. He would be free.  
  
“Even. You don’t want to do this. I know you probably think it’s no other solution, that it’s so bad it can’t be fixed, but it can. This, doing this, is never the solution. Just come down here, talk to us. We can work through this.” the new guy said.  
  
“But it can’t be fixed. It is nothing to work through.” Even replied, feeling tired. The thought of ending it, stopping the pain, was so tempting. He was so tired, so in pain, so exhausted of being himself. He just wanted this horrible nightmare to end.  
  
“Okay, so tell me what’s unfixable? Talk to me about it.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Yes. What do you have to lose, if you're going to do this anyway?”  
  
“I don’t want to tell you.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I don’t know you.”  
  
“And if you jump, you never will.”  
  
“I don’t _want_ to know you.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because I don’t care.”  
  
“And that’s okay. But just humour me. You don’t have anything to lose, right? Give me a reason good enough to do _this_.”  
  
Even looked away. Back down at the ground. His eyes glued to the ground down there. wondering how it would feel. If he would feel anything. If it would just be over in a second, the blink of an eye. He hoped so. Closing his eyes firmly for a second, he took a deep breath, deciding the guy was kind of right. He had nothing to lose, because he was definitely going to jump. “Because he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't even know who I am.”  
  
“And who is he?”  
  
“Isak. My husband. Ex-husband.”  
  
“Would Isak want you to do this?”  
  
“He doesn't care. He can’t remember me.”  
  
The guy obviously knew part of his story, because he caught on without asking more questions, without digging deeper.   
  
“But the Isak who did remember you, would he have wanted you to do this?”  
  
“Fuck you.”  
  
“Would he?” the guy egged on. “Think about what he would say about this, how _disappointed_ he would be. How _heartbroken_ he would be. How much this would _hurt_ him.”  
  
“FUCK YOU!” Even twisted around to shout at the guy, and as he did he felt strong arms wrap around his body and pull him back onto the roof. His body hit the floor, and the pain that followed told him he might have injured something. He didn't care about that. He just wanted to get back on the ledge and jump. “FUCKING LET ME GO ALEXANDER! LET ME GO!”  
  
“No, Even. NO.” A second set of arms grabbed his trashing body, holding him down while contacting someone on the intercom.  
  
“LET ME DIE! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! Just let me die…” Tears streamed down Even’s cheeks, he couldn’t fucking breathe right and the world started spinning.  
  
The last thing he remembered before losing consciousness was the new guy telling him “It’s going to be fine. You're not alone Even. Things will get better.”   


  
—

  
  
And the next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital bed back at camp. His hands and feet were strapped to the bed and Alexander and the new guy was sitting in a chair next to him. Even couldn't remember the last time he had felt this embarrassed. But at the same time he didn't really care about anything right now. He had fucking failed.   
  
They talked to him for a while. He didn't reply once. The new guy’s name was Johannes. He sounded like a nice guy, and Even would probably been friends with him if the circumstances had been different. He turned out to be trained for situations like these. Talking people down. Had a few years of medical training or something. He wasn't a surgeon like Isak, but he wasn't a nurse either. Even didn't pay enough attention to catch what his job title had been.  
  
Alexander talked about silly stuff like celebrity gossip and what movies they had showed the past few days. Even didn't care. He just toned his voice out.  
  
After a while they left him alone, told him to get some sleep and that he would hopefully feel better soon.  
  
Even knew he would never feel any better. He had lost his heart, and this big hole in his chest would forever hurt. It would never heal.  
  
-  
  
This wasn't an episode. Everyone else seemed to think it was, but Even knew the difference. Had he been manic, he wouldn't have been able to remember anything. But he didn't correct them. He gave it some thought. If they wrote this of as a manic episode, he would be forced to change his prescription probably, talk to a councillor, spend some time in bed. If he corrected them he would be discharged and sent home; suicidal people had no place in the military.  
  
He decided to pretend it was his bipolar. And spending weeks in bed helped a little. It gave him time to think, time to figure out what was next. The change in medications worried him a little, he was feeling a little weird, but he couldn't ask them to change them back so… It would probably be fine.  
  
Johannes came to visit him a lot. He had promised to not tell anyone what had happened on that rooftop. To keep it a secret that Even actually had wanted to die. They talked a little about Isak. Some about their job. Mostly about Even’s wish for death. Johannes made him see that while heartbreak hurt really bad, you could get though it. Even wasn't sure if he believed him. But he pretended he did.  
  
And as time passed by, he managed to push the feelings away. He stopped crying all the time. He stopped dreaming about Isak. He stopped talking to Johannes about dying. He stopped talking much at all, unless someone asked him a direct question.   
  
When they finally discharged him from medical, he ended up spending all his free time with Johannes. It was different with him than Alexander. Alexander was Even’s best friend, but he cared so much that it was borderline nagging sometimes. Johannes just let him figure it out himself. Asked him questions to make him think rather than arguing with his point of view.   
  
And also he gave great hugs. It had been a bonus those first few weeks when Even felt like he was going to explode with pain. The more time passed, the less frequent the hugs. He secretly missed the hugs, and often wondered if he missed the feeling of being hugged or if he missed Johannes’ hugs specifically. If he was projecting his feelings of loss and heartbreak, using Johannes as a substitute for Isak. He never told anyone. He just pushed the thoughts away.  
  
He never really asked Johannes whether he was gay or straight, had a girlfriend or boyfriend. Their friendship wasn't like that, and Even just decided he wouldn't let himself have those kind of feelings for Johannes. He was still madly in love with Isak, and he feared it would never go away.  
  
Life got back into a routine, they still went out in teams and sat on rooftops. Alexander, Even, Johannes and Simen. Their two person team had become a four person team. It was because it was too many new recruits and too few snipers to train them. Even didn't care. He didn't care about anything. Alexander liked the company.   
  
And then the days just ticked by, every day the same. Getting up at dawn, going out in teams, staying up on rooftops, sniping for enemies, going back to camp, eating dinner and working out. Going to bed again.  
  
The nights when Even couldn't sleep, he went outside and sat down by the fence, watching the stars and thought about what Isak might be doing. He knew it was destructive and that he should just move on, but he couldn’t. He could never ever move on from Isak.  
  
Some nights Johannes came and joined him, and they talked about life and the universe. Johannes told him about how there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and Even tried to hard to believe him. Some nights Johannes hugged him so tight, Even felt like all the tiny pieces of his heart were slowly coming back together.  
  
He never told Alexander, but he was starting to feel like Johannes was his best friend now. The person he could go to, the person he could talk to about all his problems. The one who held him together when his world was falling apart.  
  
Things fell into place, a routine. Even felt like he could maybe do this, despite losing Isak. He would never get over Isak. He had made peace with that. But he could keep moving forwards, make a difference, do something good with his life.  
  
… but still, every night he dreamt of Isak, and every morning he woke up with tears in his eyes. Whenever he let his mind drift during the day, it drifted to his most precious memories about Isak. And his heart wept. But during the day, he managed to keep his eyes dry. His face getting more and more emotionless. His attitude hard and his voice cold.  
  
And then it happened. As they were leaving the roof to go back to camp, all hell broke lose. Even only remembered bits and pieces. People screaming. The intense pain on his back. The panic. Seeing Johannes fall down. Getting dragged into a van. Passing out.  
  
When he woke up again, he screamed in pain. Every nerve felt like it was on fire. It lasted for days. 

 

When the pain finally lessened a little he learned what had happened. It had been an acid attack. His entire back was affected, the skin was gone and it would never ever go back to normal. His entire back would forever be an enormous scar.  
  
But none of that really mattered. Because Johannes had been hit way worse than Even. And he still hadn't woken up. He was in a coma, and they said his organs had begun shutting down. Even screamed and yelled and cried, demanded that the doctors had to fix him. But they tried their best, they just couldn't work miracles.  
  
When Johannes took his final breath, Even sat by his bedside and cried, holding his hand and praying to a god he didn't believe in. As his tears ran out, his mind racing, trying to figure out what he could have done to change it. And his mind landed back on Isak.   
  
Isak fucking Valtersen. If he had been here, he could have saved Johannes. Even was sure of it. He should never have signed those papers. Letting Isak go. He was mad at himself for that. But he was even more mad at Isak for leaving in the first place. He should have fucking stayed. Given it a chance, giving them a chance. But he didn’t. And now Even was all alone. Johannes was dead. And nothing mattered.  
  
Except anger. After those first few days spent crying into Simen’s or Alexander’s arms, Even became angry. Every step he took was fuelled by his anger. Anger at their enemies, at the universe, but most of all at Isak. He went from loving him, to missing him, to blaming him, to resenting him, to hating him.   
  
And the more he hated, the harder his face got and the colder his voice got and soon, Even realised nothing mattered and he didn't fucking care about anything. And it was fine.  
  
Life moved on, one day at a time.  
  
——  
  
Until _he_ came.   
  
Isak fucking Valtersen.  
  
One day, he was just there, asking Even if they could talk. Like that would ever fix anything. And he still didn't fucking remember Even, so why the fuck was he here? It pissed Even off.  
  
And he kept pissing Even off. By just being there. Walking around camp like nothing.  
  
But then Even had an episode. He couldn't remember it, he never remembered them, but he remembered the weeks in bed afterwards. And Isak was there, caring for him. And when Even woke up one day, started crying and ended up holding onto Isak for dear life, he started to reconsider the whole situation. Maybe not everything was Isak’s fault. He definitely wasn't the monster Even had conjured up in his mind these past months. He was sweet and gentle and kind. He was caring and soft and made Even feel so much better.  
  
Isak ended up staying with him for days, weeks. Even didn't know how much time passed. He slept so much, kept drifting off. He felt drained, exhausted, every breath was heavy and he longed for death. But no matter how much he wanted to kill himself, he couldn't find the strength to do it. So he slept. And whenever he woke up, Isak was there, holding him and whispering comforting things in his ears. Easing the pain, made the wish for death slowly fade away.  
  
And then he said the words. “My memories came back.”  
  
That was the moment Even knew he never really hated Isak. He had just made it up in his mind. He still loved him. With ever little tiny piece of his soul.  
  
But he couldn't be broken like this again. He couldn't go through it again. And still, he needed Isak in his life. So he suggested being friends. And Isak accepted. And he was so glad he did.  
  
The more time he spent with Isak, the more he noticed Simen sticking to his side. Asking him stuff, wanting to hang out. At first he didn't really think about it, but the more it happened the more he realised what was happening. Which is why he asked Simen to come take a walk with him one afternoon. They walked around camp twice in silence before Even spoke up.  
  
“Simen?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Whenever you see Isak, you kind of stick to me like gum. And lately you have been very touchy and stuff. What’s going on?”  
  
“Nothing. I mean, unless you-“   
  
Even held up his hand, making Simen stop. “Simen. There can’t ever be anything between you and me. I’m sorry if I ever made you think otherwise.”  
  
“But. All those hours on the rooftops, you talking about missing him, being mad at him. When he came back and you told me you’ll never take him back, you were moving forwards. The nights you let me hold you after Johannes died. I thought we had something.”  
  
Even shook his head slowly, thinking back to the events Simen referred to. “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the wrong impression Simen.” And then he left. Feeling like the biggest asshole ever. Like he should have stopped to explain himself better. Like he should have found a nicer way to let Simen down. Like he had just done something he would regret later.

 

—  


The next day he knew why. When Simen got shot. It had been unstable the entire day, total chaos, and suddenly Simen had exclaimed he had seen an enemy sniper, but he needed to stand up to make the shot. Even and Alexander had yelled at him to get down, but to no avail. Simen had something to prove that day, and as he pulled his trigger he also got shot himself. The whole thing was a gigantic mess, they couldn't evacuate and was told there was a medic coming to them instead. Isak, of all people, came into the field to help, and Even felt himself panic. Memories of what happened the last time Isak was in the field flashed before his eyes. But Isak didn't seem affected, he worked quickly and efficiently and when it finally calmed down around them they got evacuated and brought back to camp.  
  
Things looked like they were going to be okay, until Isak got called away and shit hit the fan. It was already fucking crazy that day, with so many soldiers getting injured and the medical unit being seriously understaffed.  
  
The heart monitor connected to Simen started going off, the nurses started yelling for a doctor and Even just didn't know what to do. One of the nurses ran to go find Isak, only to come back alone, saying he was busy.  
  
Even got to his feet and started walking, faster and faster, until he was running. Into the OR, despite the nurses yelling he couldn't go in there.  
  
Finding Isak, standing by the table and operating. “Isak.”  


Isak turned his head quickly. “What- Even! You can’t be in here!” he sounded panicked, stressed, so unlike how Isak normally appeared when faced with these kind of situations.  
  
“You have to come, he’s dying.”  
  
“I can’t leave here. Find someone else.”  
  
“There isn't anyone else!”  
  
Isak took a sharp breath, his hands shaking a little. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“What? Why can’t you come and save him??” Even looked at the monitors in the room. “This patient is stable.”  
  
“I can’t go.”  
  
“Is he dying?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Simen is!”  
  
“If I stop now, he will be paralysed.”  
  
“Better than dead!” Even couldn't understand this. Why it was even a question. Why Isak wouldn't save Simen. But then it hit him. Simen had been hitting on him, sticking to his side, probably saying shit to Isak. So maybe Isak was pissed or something. “Why won’t you save him? Because you don’t like him?” he could hear the venomous tone in his own voice.   
  
Isak turned his head again, giving Even an ice-cold glare. And in that moment, Even knew he had seriously fucked up again. But he also realised he didn't care. Him and Isak, they were history. And right now, all that mattered was saving his friend’s life. “I don’t treat people based on how much I like or dislike them, Even. Right now I need to do my job and you need to leave this room. Find another doctor. I. Am. Busy.” Isak sneered at him.  
  
Before Even could protest again, he was forcibly removed by the nurses. Going back to Simen, he found two nurses trying to save his life and according to the heart-monitor, they were failing. A doctor came running, listening with a stethoscope and saying something about a blood cloth and needing cardio, before they took the bed away and Even was left standing there next to Alexander.  
  
“He refused to help him.”  
  
“Did he say he wouldn't help or did he say he couldn't leave his other patient?”  
  
“The patient on the table wasn't dying, he would just be paralysed.”  
  
“Just?”  
  
“You know what I mean.”  
  
“Even. I can hear how mad you are. Your voice is giving me shivers. I hope you didn't talk to him like this.” he grabbed Even’s shoulder firmly. “This is not Isak’s fault. We have way to few doctors. Don’t blame him.”  
  
“I just don’t understand why it was more important to save someone’s legs rather than another person’s life.” Even was furious. Why did Alexander suddenly take Isak’s side in this case? Simen was his teammate too. Alexander didn't even like Isak. Even felt himself starting to hyperventilate with anger.  
  
Alexander grabbed both his shoulders, held him steady and forced him to look into his eyes. “Breathe Even. Look into my eyes and breathe” he kept repeating. Little by little, Even felt himself lose some of that instant anger, and Alexander guided him over to a chair, made him sit down. “It was his call to make, not yours. You don’t know the situation. It could have been more to it than that.”  
  
And Even knew Alexander was right. He knew it, deep down inside. He was just so mad at not only Isak, but himself right now. Simen had been his responsibility and he had failed him. Just like he had failed Johannes. “I know.”  
  
They didn't have to wait long. The doctor came back, and didn't even need to say anything. His eyes told enough. Simen hadn't made it. And Even had lost another friend.  
  
“He’s in a medically induced coma.” the doctor said. “His heart is in really bad shape and I’m not capable of repairing it. We have to wait for scans and an evaluation from cardio, see what they say about it.”  
  
So, he wasn't dead, yet. But Even knew what this meant. He had been here before. He was losing another person. He couldn't fucking take anymore loss.  
  
He got up, left the medical wing and went back to his bunk. He changed his clothes, and went to jog around camp. Jogging turned to running, and before he knew it he was running faster and faster. He hated this part about this job. The losses. He shouldn't ever have gone down here. If he hadn’t, him and Isak would probably have been fine. Or they would have split back then, before Even let himself get so attached again. Anyway he looked at it, it would have hurt less.   
  
This mess just escalated. Became bigger and bigger. He had honestly believed he and Isak could be friends. But after today, he realised they couldn’t. Isak had broken his heart, and Even feared he would never get over it. Seeing Isak out in the field today had made Even want to beg for a second chance. Beg for a chance to fix their fucked up relationship.   
  
But hours later, he and Isak were yelling at each other and Even felt like he still did before Isak came back down here - he hated Isak. Or maybe he hated himself. Even didn't fucking know anymore. Pushing himself harder, he ran until his lungs screamed, his legs felt weak.  
  
He fell to his knees and screamed and screamed. He screamed until someone came and tried to stop him, he screamed as they dragged his ass to medical and he screamed until the needle hit his arm and his eyelids dropped shut.  
  
————-  
  
  
When he woke up, it was the middle of the night. He was in the same room as Simen, and upon discovering this he carefully crawled out of his own bed and into Simen’s, laying next to his friend and listening to his heartbeat. It sounded regular and steady but a bit weak. Even blinked away some tears.   
  
“Even?” a voice behind him called.   
  
He didn't bother turning his head, kept his eyes focused on Simen. “This is you fault.” he just whispered.  
  
Isak moved around the bed, sitting down next to Simen on the other side, so Even could see him. It weren't any lights on, but the moonlight came in through the windows, illuminating Isak’s face. He looked so beautiful, Even almost forgot his anger for a second. But just a second. “I can’t be everywhere Even and I’m sorry, okay? I am truly sorry.” Isak sounded apologetic, but it only pissed Even of more.  
  
“You chose to not help him. You chose someones ability to walk over his ability to live.” he sneered.  
  
“Not everything is so black and white Even.” Isak said firmly, his voice still calm.  
  
“But it is. Why did you make that call? Who was more important than Simen?” Even demanded, raising his voice.  
  
“I can’t tell you that.”  
  
“But you can. You always tell me stuff. And don’t bullshit me about confidentiality rules. This is a war-zone. No-one cares.”  
  
He had expected Isak to argue with him, but instead his eyes softened and he gave Even a weak smile. “You love him, don’t you? That’s why you're so upset with me.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“It’s okay, Even. It’s fine.” Isak got up, walked over to the end of the bed and picked up the journal. “If he survives the night we will take him back to surgery tomorrow, repair the damage. He might make it. Don’t lose hope just yet.” Isak sounded so sad, Even felt all the anger just leave his body. Just like that. He just wanted to get up and hug him. But he couldn’t. All the people he cared about, let himself love in one way or another, kept dying. And he couldn't handle losing Isak again, he couldn't handle Isak breaking his heart again. So Even just watched him go, and then returned his attention to the boy next to him. A boy who loved Even, but who Even would never be able to love back. Not in the way Simen wished for, anyway.   
  
Their last private conversation had been Even breaking Simen’s heart. And now he would probably never wake up. And it was Isak fucking Valtersen’s fault.  
  
And just like that, the anger returned.  
  
——-  
  
Simen’s heart stopped beating three times that night. Each time Isak managed to bring him back, his face looking less and less optimistic with every try. Even knew what it meant. He knew this wasn't good. He glared hatefully at Isak, holding onto Simen. He knew he shouldn't be hopeful, he knew he would only end up hurting even more.   
  
It didn't stop him from wishing for a miracle.  
  
When morning came and the nurses came to take Simen away to prepare him for his operation, Alexander and Isak came in to talk to Even.   
  
“I won’t make you any promises Even, but I will do my best.” Isak said. “I’ll try to save your boyfriend.”  
  
“Simen isn’t Even’s boyfriend.” Alexander said.  
  
“He’s not?” Isak asked, sounding surprised.   
  
Alexander shook his head, and Even just glared at the both of them. This was irrelevant and unnecessary.   
  
“It doesn't matter what he is or isn't when it comes to me. What matters is that he lives. Can you go and do your fucking job this time?” Even barked.  
  
Isak lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll pretend you didn't say that.” he replied, his voice colder than it previously had been, before he left.  
  
“Classy, Even. Piss off the only chance Simen has. Nice.” Alexander said sarcastically, sitting down next to Even on the bed.  
  
“Fuck him.”  
  
“Why? I thought you guys were friends now.”  
  
“He refused to save Simen.”  
  
“He was saving someone else.”  
  
“But he wasn’t.”  
  
“Yes. He was.” Alexander said firmly. “If you knew who, you wouldn't be this much of a bitch.”  
  
“You know who it was?!”  
  
“Yes? I asked.” Alexander shrugged.  
  
“He wouldn't tell me.”  
  
“Might have something to do with your attitude Even.”  
  
“Fuck you too.” Even said, growing frustrated. He knew what Alexander was doing. He was distracting him, so that he wouldn't be so worried about Simen. It wasn't really working.   
  
…Or maybe it worked a little, as he felt the instant wave of anger let go a little, and curiosity take over. “Well then, who was it?” he asked, making his voice a softer, less demanding.  
  
Alexander looked at him sadly, his lips curved in a sad smile.   


 

  
  
“It was Vasquez. It was Jonas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter's title is taken from:
> 
> \- Me, The 1975
> 
>  
> 
> I will try to write the next chapter soon, and update more regularly from now on!


	7. LOVER, WHERE DO YOU LIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to apologise for one more thing. I apologise for not answering all of your wonderful comments! I just don't know what to answer, and sometimes I fear I'll say something stupid or give away the plot or something. But I read all of them, appreciate them deeply and honestly? They're my biggest inspiration when working with a WIP story like this one. So, to everyone who have commented on this story, this one's for you!

 

 

**_Lover, where do you live?_ **   
**_In the sky, in the clouds, in the ocean?_ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Isak was trying. He really was. But the tissue around Simen’s heart was badly damaged by the bullet and the fact that his heart had kept stopping all night wasn't helping the case. It kept stopping on the table too, but Isak got him back every time. He lost count of how many times it had stopped now.  
  
They had been going at this for four hours now, and Isak just simply couldn't think of any solution to this. He couldn't fix this. It was something he couldn't do. He couldn't make miracles happen.   
  
He was growing frustrated. He knew Even would never ever forgive him if Simen died. But Isak couldn't save him. It wasn't possible. It was like sitting in a car sliding on ice, waiting for the inevitable crash ahead. Simen was dying on this table and no matter what Isak did, he couldn't save him.  
  
A nurse appeared at the door, looking panicked. “Dr. Valtersen? It’s Vasquez. We need you.”  
  
“What is going on? Can you get someone else?”  
  
“Everyone is occupied. Out in the field and stuff. There isn't anyone else. He’s crashing. We need you. NOW.”  
  
Isak looked down at his hands. He had managed to repair the tearing at last, but it wouldn't hold. He could see it wouldn't hold.   
  
He could probably try some more. But he knew it wouldn't matter. So he had a choice. Simen or Jonas. He had to chose, who got to live and who died. Yes, they might both die. But they wouldn't both live. Because Simen wouldn't live without a heart-transplant and there was no way they could arrange that in time.   
  
Doing the math in his head, calculating who had the better chance, he looked over at Pia, who was standing next to him. “Can you close?”  
  
“But it won’t hold?” she bit her lip, sounding unsure how to handle this. If it was ethically okay to close when you knew the patient would die if you did. And the answer was probably no, but Isak knew there wasn't anything else they could do.  
  
“I know. But no matter what I do, it won’t matter. He’s not gonna make it.” Isak said softly. “I can’t fix him. And no-one else here can either.”  
  
“Even will hate you.” her words felt like ice down his spine. She probably didn’t mean to be so harsh and blaming, but he had to take a deep breath to steady himself.  
  
Isak forced a sad smile as he pulled of his gloves. “I know. Hoping that he would take me back was a long-shot anyway. I tried. I failed. He has moved on you know. And I hoped this friendship thing would work out because I still love him so unbelievably much, but it won’t. There is too many memories and feelings and so much hurt involved. Now I’ll just finish my trip down here, help as many people as I can. Then I’ll go home and find a way to move on.”  
  
Pia just nodded, despite probably wanting to discuss it with him. There wasn't any time for that right now. Isak needed to save another life.  
  
He managed to walk out of one OR and into another without being cornered by Even. Seemed like he was waiting for the update on Simen another place than the medical tent. He was grateful for that. He needed his energy to save Jonas. He could listen to Even yell at him later.   
  
Well, maybe. He wasn't sure if his heart could handle that.  
  
—  
  
He was faced with the second impossible situation that day. He had managed to save Jonas the other day. He had managed to save his ability to walk despite being shot so close to the spine. But now he had a blood cloth and Isak needed to remove it. And he was running out of time. His hands couldn't work fast enough, he needed to be faster.   
  
“Valtersen to OR 1.” someone yelled, followed by more yelling. He couldn't hear the words clearly, but he knew what was happening. Something was going on in the other OR. He guessed Simen was crashing too. He had to pick. It was Jonas or Simen. Their odds were equally bad right now. It was an impossible choice.   
  
But he had made Eva a promise. He hadn't made Even one. And he had already made peace with the fact that he just wasn’t good enough to save Simen.  
  
He stayed where he was. Fighting the clock, doing his best.   
  
And by some miracle, Jonas stabilised. Isak did it. He saved his best friend. He kept his promise to Eva.   
  
As they wheeled Jonas out of the OR and Isak washed his hands, so exhausted he could barely stand, Pia came up to him.  
  
“He passed away two hours after you left.”  
  
“I figured he would.”  
  
“How’s Jonas?”  
  
“Stable. Have you informed-“  
  
“Yes. The whole squad was there and Even ran off. I heard his screams… ” she bit her lip. “It was… It was really ugly Isak.”  
  
He turned of the tap, grabbed a tissue and turned towards her while drying his hands. She looked honestly scared, so he knew it had been bad. He had also foreseen this happening. “I couldn't save him. There was too much damage.”  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“And I can’t save Even. I can’t save our relationship. I can’t.” he threw away the tissue, leaned back against the sink, thinking. He should get out of here. Ask to be transferred to another basecamp or better yet; back home. Him being here right now wouldn't help Even.   
  
But most of all it was destroying him. Knowing Even hated him hurt so much more now that his memories were back. He loved Even, so much. But the Even he knew and loved had changed. He was another person, he had been through so much shit. Loss, heartbreak, death and injuries.  
  
All Isak wanted to do was wrap Even up in his arms and hold him tight and tell him it would all be okay. That they could fix this if they just tried. But Even would never let him. And it would never be like it had been. Even’s friends had died. Many of both their friends had. Or been injured. Love was a battlefield and sometimes the battle is lost.  
  
This was a battle Isak couldn't win. And he should get out before it destroyed him.  
  
“I need to go home.”  
  
“You’re not going to stay? We have less than two months left.”  
  
“I’m gonna ask to go home with Jonas. I’m doing more harm than good right now.”  
  
“You’re saving lives down here Isak. We need you. I need you. There isn’t enough doctors as it is.”  
  
Isak gave her a sad smile. “I know. But I think Even needs me to leave.”  
  
She didn't argue with him.  
  
—-  
  
He never went back to see Even again. He left less than two days later. The commander was sad to see him go, but let him leave with Jonas, go back to Norway. No discussion, no lectures about leaving before the assigned time was up. Just a firm nod, a “I’m sorry for everything that has happened to you and your friends” and the information about when their transport out of Syria would take place.  
  
They were taken straight to the hospital back home and with the help of more advanced equipment and several surgeons, Isak made sure Jonas would be perfectly fine. His old coworkers praised him for the excellent work he had done with such little equipment and on top of that outside of his own field.  
  
Isak just waved it away, saying they would have done the same thing if they were in the same position.  
  
Walking out of the hospital, taking in the city of Oslo, he also knew he wouldn’t ever be fine again. But like everything else, he made peace with that.  
  
His heart would forever ache after a man he would never see again.  
  
——————  
  
  
Isak bought himself an apartment. It was the first thing he did when he came back. He bought the first one he looked at, as it was close to the hospital, nice and cosy without being small. It had three bedrooms, a big living room and a comfy kitchen. It was home.   
  
But at the same time, it would never be home. Because he had left his home behind when he left Syria. He had left Even.  
  
Isak knew Even would never forgive him. He would definitely never love him again. It was over. Isak had ruined it, more than once. He would never forgive himself for that. And on top of that, Even had moved on, and was mourning that someone right now. And he was mourning because of Isak. Isak had failed Even by not saving Simen. He had ruined his last chance to be a part of Even’s life. They could have been friends. Not close friends, because that would hurt too much. But friends.  
  
It was one in the morning, Isak was sitting on the windowsill, looking out the window. In his hand he had his old wedding-ring. He looked at it. Let the tears fall freely. Took a deep breath and put the ring back on the chain around his neck, tucking it safely behind his shirt. He had arrived back home less than two weeks ago and ever since he left Syria the ring had been hanging safely around his neck. It was the only thing he had left of Even. Of their relationship. Their life together.  
  
_You’re not alone_  


It was engraved in the ring. He had said it to Even once. It was one of the last memories that had come back to him. He had loved the ring even before knowing the story behind it. Knowing the story he loved it even more.  
  
He looked at the empty streets. Tried to imagine what Even would be doing. How it was in Syria. If he was okay. Probably not. He was probably mourning Simen. Hating Isak. The more he thought about it, the worse it felt. He could handle Even loving someone else. But Even hating him? After getting all his memories back, the mere thought of that killed him inside. He had spent more hours in his bed crying since he came home than he was willing to admit. The bed was big and lonely and Isak cried so hard his soul shattered.   
  
His phone pinged. Isak ignored it. It pinged several more times, but Isak couldn't force himself to move. He was mourning. He didn't want to talk to anyone.  
  
But when it started ringing he couldn't ignore it anymore. No-one called him in the middle of the night without a reason. It was so deeply imprinted in him, the reaction of answering in the middle of the night. Working as a doctor did that to you.  
  
Looking at the screen he saw that it was Eva. He picked it up. “Yeah?”  
  
“Can I come over?”  
  
She hadn't wanted to speak to Isak since he came home. Since he and Jonas came home. He had kept his promise about bringing Jonas back, but he had brought him back injured. Maybe Eva was mad at him, maybe it was just too much for her to take in. He hadn't wanted to push, so he had stayed away and given her time. “What’s up?”  
  
“I just need you.” her voice was weak, sounding like she was on the verge of crying.   
  
“Yeah, sure.” Then he thought about something. “What about Silje?” It was the middle of the night after all. Eva’s irrational pregnancy brain might have made her forget the time.  
  
“She’s with my mom.”  
  
“Ah. Good. Sure you don’t want me to come to you instead?”  
  
“No, I just left the hospital, yours is closer.”  
  
“Oh. Yeah, sure, just come. How is Jonas?”  
  
“No change. He sleeps most of the day and when he wakes up he refuse to speak to me.”  
  
“Yeah.” Isak knew. He had tried to talk to his friend every day since they came home, but Jonas just wouldn't talk about it. He answered to questions of pain and comfort but that was pretty much it. Isak couldn't help but take it personally, despite knowing it probably was the shock. Jonas just needed time to come to terms with his near death experience. He didn't hate Isak. At least not like Even did.  
  
“Want me to come and meet you?” he asked her. He didn't like her walking the streets alone at night. With the way things had been these past weeks, he felt the need to protect her. Cars were set on fire, people were being stabbed and beaten, every single night now. Oslo was slowly becoming a scary place, and Isak didn't like it. Much of it was terrorism, originating from the situation in Syria. Which meant that what they did down there wasn't working.  
  
“No it’s fine, I’ll be there in two minutes.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
When he let her in two minutes later, she looked like hell and Isak couldn't stop himself from wrapping her up in his arms and telling her it would be fine. That he was sorry. That it was probably his fault. Of course she argued with him on the last one, saying he was the hero of the story, having saved Jonas. He didn't prolong the argument, but he didn’t agree with her either.  
  
They curled up on the sofa, talking about everything that had happened in Syria, about everything that had happened home while he was away and at some point, they both fell asleep.  
  
Waking up on the sofa, curled around Eva, Isak let himself dream for a minute. Dream about an easier time. Dream about laying like this with someone who loved him. Dream about Even.  
  
He opened his eyes, finding Eva looking at him already. She looked so beautiful and the way she hugged him, he figured he was lucky to have this. To have her and Jonas. The rest of their friends. He was lonely, but he wasn't alone. And there was some comfort in that.  
  
“Are you okay Isak?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Will you be?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“I’m sorry it didn't work out with Even.”  
  
“Me too.” He sat up, stretched. “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Like a melon.”  
  
“Funny.” He laughed softly. “Wanna go back to the hospital?”  
  
“Not really. Do you work today?”  
  
“Don’t start for another two weeks. What did you have in mind?”  
  
“Can we visit the park with Silje? I’m not comfortable going alone in this state you know..”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
They got up, showered and changed. Isak lent Eva some sweatpants and a hoodie, and made her pancakes for breakfast. When they finished up, they took his car and drove over to Eva’s mother’s house. She invited them to stay for coffee before taking off and they accepted.  
  
She asked Isak about Syria, about Even and about Jonas’s accident.   
  
“Truth is, I don’t know that much. I was asked to fly out in the field that day to save another guy. And when I arrived back at camp with him, I was asked to take Jonas’ case. So all I really know is that he had a bullet in his back, close to the spine and I had a hard time making sure he would walk again. Spinal surgery is not my field. And then he almost died a second time thanks to a blood cloth, so it was really bad. But he pulled through.”  
  
“I just wish he would talk to us.” Eva whispered sadly.  
  
“He’s in shock, he’s hurting and he doesn't mean anything by it Eva. Just give him time. He’ll come around.” Isak said, putting a comforting hand on her arm. He had seen this with so many soldiers though his years in war zones. It was heartbreaking to watch every time.  
  
Eva’s mother suggested that she could take Silje for the next week or so since she had time of work, but Eva still wanted to go to the park today. She wanted a piece of something normal, a happy day with her daughter and friend.  
  
And for the first time in months, they didn't talk about love or war or loss or anything sad. They just enjoyed the day in the park, eating ice-cream and playing with Silje, having fun. And Isak could almost forget that he had lost Even and that Jonas was injured and that Magnus and Mahdi still were in Syria.   
  
He hadn't talked much to them since he came back, due to the fact that he didn't want to hear anything about Even. He couldn't take it. It hurt too much right now. By keeping the conversations short and rare the topic never surfaced.   
  
Watching Eva play around the park with her kid made Isak a little sad. He would never have that. He would never be able to raise kids and have a family. He had lost his chance, he had lost his Even.  
  
And sure, there is always someone else out there, but Isak knew that he and Even were soulmates. There would never be another person for Isak. It would only be Even.  
  
He found himself wondering what had happened if he had talked to Even before leaving. What would have happened if he had saved Simen that day instead of making sure Jonas could walk. The thought just made him sad, so he pushed it away, letting his mind wander to better memories. The memories of their beginning, of the times without problems and without being caught up in this war.   
  
They had been so happy. So innocent. So in love.   
  
But they had been in love in Afghanistan too. And Syria. And in between. They had fought for each other again and again. They had fought together and apart.   
  
But now the fight was over and the battle lost.  
  
“ISAK!” the loud child cry brought him back to reality. Silje was screaming his name repeatedly, standing next to Eva who was laying on the ground. Isak got to his feet, running over to her. An old lady yelled something about a man with a knife.   
  
“Eva?” he fell to his knees next to her. Her eyes flickered in panic, her breathing uneven and hysterical. There was blood coming from her stomach and Silje was screaming.  
  
Everything that happened next was a blur. Someone called an ambulance. Isak knew nothing about saving unborn children. He managed to stop the bleeding before the ambulance arrived and gathering the hysterical child in his arms, they soon followed the ambulance in Isak’s car.   
  
It was his first experience with sitting in the waiting room at his hospital. And with a unconsolable crying child in his arms it was torture. Eva’s mother came after a short while and managed to help him calm Silje down, but it did nothing for the panic he felt.   
  
Why did stuff like this keep happening? They were supposed to be safe. They were in fucking Norway for fucks sake. If they weren't safe here, they weren't safe anywhere.   
  
Hours ticked by. Isak paced back and forwards in the waiting room. He couldn’t stop himself from wishing for Even. He almost picked up the phone to call him, but whenever his finger hovered over the call button, he pushed his phone into his pocket instead. Even hated him, and Isak needed to just let go. Let it all go.   
  
One of his coworkers came by to update them on Eva. She said they had to do an emergency c-section. The baby was fine. A nurse came a minute later and guided them to a room so they could see the baby.   
  
She was small, being born a month early, but she was healthy and uninjured. They wouldn't tell him much about Eva, only that she was still in surgery.   
  
After a little while he left Silje with Eva’s mother and went to see Jonas, told him about what happened. They should have told him right away, but in all the chaos and panic, Isak forgot. At first, Jonas didn't say a single word. He didn't even look at Isak. And Isak was losing his patience. He’d had an incredibly shitty day and all he wanted to do was cry and scream and hit stuff.  
  
“I’m telling you that your pregnant wife was stabbed in the park in the middle of the day in Oslo and you don’t even care?” He couldn't help how his voice raised a little by the end of it. He didn't know how to handle this.  
  
Jonas looked at him. Opened his mouth to say something.  
  
“I know you’ve been through a lot Jonas. We all have. But I need you to speak to me. If you hate me, that’s fine. Just say it. Say something. Anything!”  
  
Jonas just blinked, mouth open, shocked over Isak’s sudden outburst.  
  
“Your wife is in the operating room right now. Eva. Eva might die. Jonas…” his voice broke, tear pressed behind his eyes.  
  
And a single tear fell from Jonas’ eye. Seconds later he found himself next to Jonas on the bed, holding his best friend as he sobbed.  
  
And when the sobs finally died down, they talked about it. About Syria and how hard it had been. About what had happened to Jonas that day. He had been shot by a sniper, and it had been friendly fire. He had been hit by a teammate, he had even seen who it was. And everything clicked into place in Isak’s mind. Why Jonas wouldn't speak to anyone, why the guys who came in with Jonas had been so jumpy, why the commander had been so lenient and accepted everything Isak asked for.  
  
“Who was it?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Who shot you?”  
  
“One of the new snipers. I saw him standing on the rooftop, pointing his rifle our way. We were in another building than we should have been, the same as the enemy sniper I suppose. And I saw him point his gun at us, and I pushed Lukas out of the way, and the next thing I know, I got hit.”  
  
“Do you know his name, the sniper you saw?”  
  
“No, but it was that new guy Even was training.”  
  
Isak froze. “Simen? Simen shot you?”  
  
“Yeah. If that’s his name. The mean looking guy who hung around Even all the time.”  
  
“That’s the one.” Isak said, his voice lowering to a whisper. 

 

Simen, who was dead, because Isak had made a choice. His mind raced a million miles an hour. He had felt so guilty about choosing Jonas over Simen. He had thought ever step through a dozen times. And now it turned out that he had made the right call. Simen had shot one of their own, and by definition he was a traitor. Which meant that he didn't get priority, at least not from Isak. Isak had no sympathy for traitors, people who shot teammates and attacked their own. There was never a valid reason to do such a thing. If you couldn't be absolutely certain that your target was an enemy, you should never pull the trigger.  
  
“There’s something you're not telling me.” Jonas stated, pulling Isak out of his thoughts.  
  
“He got shot. After shooting you I guess. I had go out in the field to save his life.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“But when they brought you in, he crashed. I made a choice. I chose to save you, to make sure your would walk again. And Even hated me for it. He ended up in a medical coma, and upon reviewing his charts and scans we made a decision to try and go in again, take a chance and see if we could repair the damage. But I couldn’t. It was too much damage. I can’t preform miracles. And then you crashed. And I had to make the decision again. And I chose you, again.” Isak took a deep breath. “I didn't talk to Even after the last surgery, but we talked after the first one. He was so pissed at me. He firmly believed I chose not to help Simen simply because I didn't like him, because I was jealous. But I’m not like that. I don’t chose who to save based on how much I like them. I chose you because you had a better chance to be honest. And I doubted myself so much these past weeks, if I chose right, wondering if I could have saved both. But hearing you say he was a traitor? It helps. I don’t feel so guilty now. And no, I don’t think he shot you on purpose, he probably just made a horrible judgement-call. I am sure it was an accident. But still. It helps.”  
  
“I thought about it a lot. About how he could have chosen to do it, what must have went though his head. I don’t know if I want to press charges, take legal action. I’m alive. I’ll walk out of here in a few weeks. That’s something so many other soldiers won’t get to do.” Jonas looked unsure.  
  
“Do whatever feels right for you, Jonas. Simen is dead, so it won’t happen again. But you're allowed to take legal action if you feel the need to do so.” Isak forced a small smile. This shit had been messing up his mind for weeks now. And a small part of him wanted Jonas to press charges, just so Simen wouldn't get any medals postmortem. He quickly shook that thought away. It was mean. And Isak wasn't a mean person.  
  
“You know, if I do, it would harm Even? He’s team leader. He was in charge of Simen that day. He will be the one facing the consequences.” Jonas said, looking conflicted.  
  
Isak thought about it. No matter how much he hurt right now, he felt a need to protect Even. He loved him, and he would always keep loving him. He would probably always fight for him too, but this was one fight he shouldn't pick sides in. So Isak shrugged. “Even hates my guts. We will never find our way back you know, he made that perfectly clear. And if Simen did anything without his permission he should have reported it. I love him, I care about him, but this is something I can’t fix for him you know. It’s not my job to take sides in this matter, and if I take one, I definitely can’t take his. I’m taking yours, just like you took mine, time and time again.” he smiled softly, and let Jonas pull him into a hug.  
  
“I just hope they have any new on Eva soon.” Jonas whispered, and Isak felt like crying again at the mentioning of her name. It had been so many hours, it was getting dark out. He just let the tears fall. “Did you see the guy? The one who did it?”  
  
“No. I didn’t even see it happen. I was lost in my own head, Silje’s scream is what caught my attention.”  
  
“You were there for them none the less. Thank you for that.”  
  
“Yeah, no problem. I just can’t understand how something like this could happen in broad daylight in the middle of Oslo. In Norway. I just don’t get it.” Isak felt himself start to panic again. He had believed he would be safe now that he was back home. But he wasn’t. No-one was safe anymore.  
  
“The world is getting crazier every day Isak. And no matter what we do, we can’t stop it.” Jonas answered bitterly. “And now my wife is in the operation room and my children are alone and I can’t fucking do nothing.” his voice raised at the end, and Isak put a comforting hand on his arm. Pulled himself together for his friend.  
  
“Eva’s mother is taking care of the kids. Just rest, get well, take it easy.”  
  
“I can’t Isak. I can’t fucking rest while my wife is dying somewhere in this hospital!”  
  
“She’s strong Jonas. She will make it. You just have to have faith she will.”  
  
Hours ticked by and when the doctor assigned to Eva’s case finally came to update them, the news weren't good. She would live, but her cervix had been badly damaged and it had made the surgery complicated. To put the long story short; Eva would never be able to have another baby. She would also have to stay in bed for the next four weeks. And because of his injuries, so did Jonas.   
  
“Can I see my kids?”  
  
“I’m sorry. No. Your injuries are so severe we can’t risk you moving too much and also it’s the risk of infections. Dr. Valtersen being in here is already us bending the rules.” she smiled apologetic.  
  
“So I won’t get to see my kids? My new born child? Will Eva be able to see them when she wakes up?”  
  
“No. I’m sorry.”  
  
Jonas looked like he was about to scream, so Isak pulled the doctor with him out in the hallway. “Why can’t he see the kids for a few minutes? It can’t hurt, can it? Please.”  
  
She looked conflicted, but after a little more pleading and Isak promising to owe her a favour, she went and got Eva’s mother, Silje and the baby.  
  
Seeing Jonas holding his new born baby, eyes big with love and wonder, made Isak believe for a second that things might be okay after all. But when he got home later and watched the news he knew it wasn’t. The world was on the verge of another world war.   
  
Eva’s mother promised to watch the kids for as long as they needed. Jonas thanked her. His own parents had decided to go to their cabin further north and stay there because of the tense situation in the city. They didn't even come to visit their son. Isak could see how much it affected Jonas. Which might be part of the reason for what he said next. “I can take them a little if you need help.”  
  
  
Eva’s mother had a really important business trip in a week, so it was decided that the kids would stay with Isak then. He wasn't sure if he was up for the job, but the bright smile on Jonas’ face and the soft thank you made him want to at least try.   
  
——  
  
The week slowly dragged on. As soon as they were satisfied that Eva was out of danger they moved her into Jonas’ room. Isak made sure that it happened, after all he still had some leverage at the hospital. His old coworkers owed him some favours anyway.   
  
Isak walked around the hospital from time to time, talking to people and getting used to the place. This was the place where things had started, where he first had a gun pointed at his head. He often found himself standing outside the OR where it happened, thinking back on that day. It was years ago now, but he still remembered it clearly. It was one of the clearest memories that had come back. The fear, the panic, the guy screaming at him and then Even. Even saved him.  
  
Isak missed Even so badly his heart was breaking with every beat. And right now he didn't have anyone to talk to. He could always take the military’s offer and visit a therapist. He jumped at loud noises and was afraid to be outside after dark. He couldn't sleep, and when he did he had nightmares. He was pretty sure it was PTSD again but he couldn't find the strength to go and get it confirmed.  
  
Eva cried a lot, and wouldn't really speak to either Isak or Jonas. She crawled into Isak’s arms and let him hold her, but she didn't want to talk about what happened and whenever they mentioned the baby or the attack she just cried. Jonas just watched helplessly from his own bed, not being able to move because of his injury. So Isak just held Eva tightly and mouthed “I’ve got her” at Jonas, who nodded a thanks, looking sad.  
  
Jonas decided to take legal actions against the military and report the friendly fire. They were waiting for respond from the military, and he hadn't decided how far he wanted to push this. Mostly, he claimed he just “wanted them to know so that they could stop it from happening to someone else”. Isak supported his decision all the way and helped with the correspondence between the military and Jonas.   
  
In the end they promised that actions had been taken to prevent it from happening again and payed Jonas a huge settlement he didn't even ask for.   
  
“Are you sure you don’t want to take it further?” Isak asked. He didn't want Jonas to take it further. That meant dragging Even and his whole team to court. They had done so much good for the world, they didn't deserve that. The one who had made the mistake was dead, his mistakes shouldn't hurt the others.  
  
“Yeah. That Simen guy is dead. The rest of the team can’t be blamed for his faults.”  
  
“True.”  
  
“Have you talked to Even?”  
  
“No. He hates me.”  
  
“I don’t think he does.”  
  
“You didn't see him down there. With Simen. He loved him, and thanks to me he lost him.”  
  
“I don’t feel like it’s my place to get involved, but I think you should talk to him.”  
  
“I know you think that. But I can’t take it Jonas. I can’t take him saying the actual words. I love him and it’s breaking me and- and I can’t, okay? I can’t.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay.”

 

—-

  
Isak went to speak to Sana. They hadn’treallytalked in years except texts and a few calls, but he just ended up driving to her house one day and knocked on the door. Yousef opened the door and let him in with a smile. They invited him for tea and sat down in the kitchen. 

  
“How are you Isak?”  
  
“Horrible. I’m scared of going outside, I can’t sleep, I freak out at any loud noise, but worst of all is the loneliness. And I know I’m partly to blame for everything, but it still hurts. I miss him. So badly it hurts.”  
  
Sana grabbed his hand carefully. “I’m sorry Isak.”  
  
“Yeah, you and Even were so good together.” Yousef chipped in.  
  
Yousef and Even were friends, but with all the traveling, they kind of stopped talking after a few years. They led separate lives. So did Isak and Sana. But right now he had needed to see her, talk to her. He had needed to be with someone who wasn't involved in all the crazy things that had happened.  
  
“How is Jonas and Eva?”  
  
“Not good. Stuck in the hospital, can’t see their kids, both in pain.” Isak shook his head. “I just don’t get how things like this can happen here. In Norway.”   
  
“Yeah, well. Most people blame immigrants. They might be right, but it makes the whole thing even worse. On top of all the attacks and cars on fire and treats, we have hate crimes too.” Yousef shook his head. “We can’t go outside most days without being yelled at and pushed and spat after.”  
  
“Fuck.” Isak whispered. “I’m sorry guys. I wish we could have stopped this from happening.”  
  
“It’s not your fault Isak. Hey, you even tried to make a difference. That’s more than most people.” Sana smiled weakly.  
  
“I’ve heard rumours that the military is negotiating now, about pulling out. They're giving up it seems.” Yousef shook his head.  
  
“The american military is pulling out. I think the norwegians are staying.” Sana shrugged.   
  
“I’m not really involved anymore. I was allowed to leave and I’m not planning on ever going back so..” Isak felt like crying at the mere mentioning of ever going back. While he had been down there, he hadn't been so scared. It was afterwards. Coming home. When he had finally come home and settled in his apartment, that’s when the fear had started creeping in. “I’m tired of being scared.”  
  
“Me too Isak.” Sana said. “But remember what I taught you, and what you taught me? Hate is just ignorance, and love is much more powerful than hate. We have to believe there is enough love in the world to end all the hate, okay?”  
  
“It’s a little hard believing in that when my best friend got stabbed in broad daylight in a park while playing with her child you know.”  
  
“I know.” Sana bit her lip. “You think she would let me come and visit her? Or is she still in ICU?”  
  
“I’ll make sure they let you in.” Isak smiled.  
  
  
—-  
  
The days rushed away and suddenly Isak found himself sitting alone in his apartment with a six year old and a baby. And no matter how much he had babysat and worked with kids at the hospital, he felt panic take him. He wasn't equipped to do this, all alone. Silje was crying for her mommy and the baby was crying because of the thunderstorm and Isak just didn't know what to do. He tried to comfort them both, but failed miserably.  
  
When he finally managed to get the baby to sleep and Silje tucked under a blanket on the sofa, watching a movie, there was a loud bang outside and the power went out. Isak jumped in panic because of the loud noise and the kids started screaming and crying and Isak debated whether to call Sana and Yousef for help.  
  
He tried to comfort both the kids at once and had almost managed to get Silje to stop screaming when there was a loud knock on the door.  
  
Isak grabbed the baby and walked towards the door. Maybe it was Eskild, seeing as Isak had sent him a text earlier and asked for help if he was free. But why how had he gotten into the building without Isak buzzing him in first?   
  
Isak didn't think it over before he unlocked the door, opened it quickly and came face to face with a person he never expected to see again.  


 

  
Even. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chaptertitle is taken from:
> 
> \- Lover, Where Do You Live, Highasakite


	8. CERTAIN THINGS

   


   


   


**_ Something about you  
It's like an addiction  
Hit me with your best shot honey  
I've got no reason to doubt you  
'Cause certain things hurt  
And you're my only virtue  
_ ** **_And I'm virtually yours_**  
  
  


  


  


It took a few second to hit him, the words coming out of Alexander’s mouth. But when it did, everything suddenly made sense. It had nothing to do with Simen or Even, it wasn't about feelings or the lack of them. It was about something so much more important. It was about the person who had saved Isak, time and time again, when Even had failed to.  
  
When they later met up with the rest of the team for lunch and Lukas told him that it had to have been friendly fire because of the angle and the fact that Jonas had only been hit because he was protecting Lukas, Even knew he had reacted wrongly. Like he so often did.  
  
Changing his mind again and again, reacting irrationally and blaming everything and everyone. It was the person Even had become. On some level he had always been like this, it was a part of him. But the multiple changes in medication and all the drastic changes in his life pushed it into something so huge and exhausting he wondered why he still had any friends.  
  
Friendly fire was something so serious, Even called for a team meeting to see if they could figure out who the shooter had been. They had the meeting together with the commander, seeing as this was a very grave matter.   
  
Then, two things happened at the same time, making the last wall holding Even’s world together fall down. The world had stopped crashing down, it had come to the final halt. It had collapsed. Because it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing.  
  
They concluded that Simen must have been the shooter.  
  
And the nurse came in to tell them Simen hadn’t made it.  
  
And Even didn't know how to handle this.  
  
  
  
———

  
  
In the end, he said that he needed time to process this, and went back to his own room. Sitting down, he grabbed his pillow, hugged hit hard against his chest, and concentrated on breathing. His eyes wandered across the room and landed on Simen’s bed. And Even screamed, feeling heavy tears fall as he did. He screamed with pain, with grief, with heartache. It hurt so badly, he just couldn't stop.  
  
Strong arms embraced him, holding him close, and comforting words where spoken. He registered the presence of more people, so his teammates were probably there. Which one who was holding him was unclear and unimportant. He had at this point stopped screaming, his chest heaving with sobs instead.   
  
Losing Johannes had hurt so much, but this was somehow worse. When he lost Johannes, he had been stronger. Johannes had fixed all the tiny little shattered pieces of Even’s soul. While losing him had been devastating, Even had managed to survive it, by being angry, becoming harder, colder, hating everyone and everything.   
  
This time, Even was broken in a million pieces, and there was nothing or no-one who could fix him. He had managed to push the last person who really knew him away.   
  
He spent days in bed crying, and this time Alexander didn't try to get him out of it. No-one tried. For some reason, the entire team stayed in with him for days. Even suspected it had something to do with the friendly fire case, and that the entire team was benched for some reason.  
  
He knew this was his responsibility. That he would be the one facing the consequences for Jonas getting shot. Simen had been his responsibility, Even was responsible for his training and for every decision he made with that rifle in his hands. And Even had failed at his job. He had let his feelings about Simen and Isak and Johannes jumble together and distract him from his real job that day on the roof. 

  


He had basically fucked it all up, there was no other way to put it.  


-

  
So when a week had passed, Even dragged himself out of bed and went into the commander’s quarters, ready to accept his inevitable discharge.   
  
He walked in and sat down on the chair across from the commander. The silence stretched for a few seconds.  
  
“Næsheim.”  
  
“Commander.”  
  
“This is a really difficult situation.” the commander started, looking like he had this whole monologue written out.  
  
“Sir. I know this is my responsibility. I am prepared to face the consequences. I know you're going to send me back home for this.”  
  
“We are sending you back home yes, but not for this.”  
  
Even didn't even try to mask his confusion. “What?”  
  
“What happened was tragic, yes, but I have spoken with your teammate, Lunde, and he said there was no time for you to check out the target before Gregers fired that shot. Vasquez is going to make a full recovery from what I’ve heard, but if he decides to take the legal road here, we are prepared to pay whatever he demands to settle it without going to court. Gregers is dead, the case is closed.”  
  
“Then why am I going home?”  
  
“They have requested the elite squad back home. All of you. People are getting shot and stabbed, cars set on fire, subways getting attacked by suicide bombers. They need you guys there more than here.”  
  
“But it’s Norway.” Even said stupidly.  
  
“Yeah. And you guys need to be there. You’ll leave in three weeks.”  
  
“Why not sooner? If it’s as unstable as you claim.”  
  
“You need to train the squad staying behind before leaving. We know they won’t be fully trained in three weeks, but they will be better than nothing.” The commander shuffled through some papers. “In addition to your team, you will also take Larsen, Disi and Fossbakken home with you. They came down with Valtersen and Vasquez and have decided not to extend their time down here.”  
  
“Valtersen and Vasquez is staying then?”  
  
The commander looked up from his papers. “No-one told you? They left a week ago.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“I’m sorry about you and Valtersen, Næsheim.”  
  
“Yeah. I fucked that one up.”  
  
“It’s never to late to fix things.”  
  
“I think it might be, Sir. This time I think it might be.”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“I messed up so many times, so badly, he will never ever forgive me. And frankly, I can’t handle hearing him say he hates me.”  
  
“Never give up. You've survived war zones. Losses, acid attacks, getting shot. You have loved and lost and you're still standing. You are stronger than you think. Just give it one more chance. You're after all going home, right? You will be in the same city. Just talk to him.”  
  
Even smiled a little. “I thought you didn't get involved with our personal stuff, Sir.” he smirked.  
  
“Oh shut up. You two are the most epic love story I’ve ever come across. You're like Romeo and Juliet, only I do hope you get a better ending.” the commander laughed. “It have been a few very tough years Næsheim. Not only on you personally, but this whole bloody war.” his face turned serious again. “We try and try to make a difference, but no matter what we do, they keep attacking us closer and closer to home. And I don’t know what we should do. I follow my commands, yes, but I can’t see us making a difference anymore.”  
  
“What did you just tell me? Don’t lose hope?” Even smiled sadly. “But yes. All we can do is keep trying, and hoping we will catch a break soon.”  
  
“Yes. All we can do is hope.”  
  
  
——  
  
  
Even had never believed in miracles. Which was why he didn't believe it when they were called into the commanders office 16 days later and told that the american military had found the location of the leading terrorist-group. They had been in the middle of target practice with the new sniper-team. They were progressing pretty well, Even had to admit.   
  
After everything that happened with both Johannes and Simen, Even chose not to participate too much in the training of the new guys. He stuck to supervising and consulting his teammates if they asked his opinion on what to teach them, how to teach them.  
  
The american military had requested Even, Alexander, Lukas, Kim, Tobias and Simon. The original squad from Afghanistan. The new additions, which Even barely remembered what names were (Patrick, Liam, Henrik and Thomas perhaps?) were going to stay here and finish the training of the new guys.  
  
Even tried to get out of going. He had a feeling this would be worse than everything they had been through before. He knew people would die and he couldn't handle losing any more people. But the commander declined his request and now he was sitting in the back of a van, travelling to their meeting point. They were meeting the americans two miles away from the target and going in on foot. They were supposed to take out the guards and stay hidden, being a back up for the ground-patrol.   
  
Even didn't like the plan. They had gone over maps and sketches and movements over and over. They had satellite coverage and infrared scans. But it was something he couldn't put his finger at. Something about the place they were supposed to stay, or rather camp. It wasn't covered enough, too many possibilities to be spotted upon arrival.   
  
But he followed the americans lead. They were joined by four guys, making them a ten-person-team. Even memorised their names quickly. Hanson, Jones, Morrison, Anderson. Last names only, he didn't bother asking for first names.   
  
“So. Næsheim. You have quite the impressive resume.” Jones said as they walked towards their designated area.   
  
Even shrugged. “I’ve just done my best. Tried to help.”  
  
“You’re the reason why we requested this team. This is going to be a difficult task, so we need the best of the best. If we succeed, we might end this war.”  
  
“Might.” Even simply replied and the conversation died after that. He saw how these guys looked at him. Like he was some kind of superhero. It made him nauseous, knowing they praised him because he had killed so many people. Even didn't particularly like shooting people, which was probably the reason he was good at his job. He made damn sure it was necessary to make the shot before pulling the trigger. At the same time he was very good at hitting the target.  
  
But right now, Even was tired. His mind was a mess with all the shit that had happened. Johannes. Simen. Isak. Jonas. The shit happening back home. Worrying about if Isak was safe or not.  
  
It always came back to Isak.  
  
No matter what happened. He could believe that he were over him, hated him, had forgotten him. It was all lies and the more he thought about it, the more he realised it was true.  
  
A few days prior, the commander had told him that Jonas reached out with the help of Isak. The military was paying Jonas an insane amount of money in settlement, as he had agreed to not go to trial. Even was grateful for that, because he didn't really fancy dressing up in a suit and sit and tell a bunch of people about every fucked up thing that had happened down here.   
  
He almost called Isak. Several times over the past weeks. But whenever he picked up the phone, he couldn't find the strength to do it. He was so sure that Isak hated him. And finding out over the phone, would be worse than hearing it while they were face to face. So he didn't call.  
  
But he texted Jonas after hearing about the settlement.  
  
  
FROM EVEN TO JONAS  
Hey. I don’t know if you will ever want to talk to me again and  
if that’s the case I get it. I just wanted to apologise for what happened  
to you. Despite everyone claiming it’s not my fault, I am still the   
leader of the team and the one responsible for training.  
I am sorry about what happened to you Jonas, I really am.  
Please forgive me, I hope you're recovering quickly.  
  
  
  
It only took five minutes before Jonas called him. He didn't hold anything against Even, and was glad he had reached out. He told Even about everything that had happened back home, about Eva being attacked in the park with Silje and Isak. The baby having to be delivered early and Eva had been badly and permanently injured. Jonas was pretty sure Isak was having symptoms of PTSD again.   
  
“Maybe you should talk to him?” Jonas suggested carefully.  
  
“He hates me, Jonas. I’ve fucked up so much. Ever since he lost his memories I have kept doing the wrong thing all the time. He doesn't need me in his life, he is so much better off without me.”  
  
“That’s not true and you know it.”  
  
“Do I? I’m not so sure. I keep making so many mistakes, everyone around me dies. I am a fuck up.”  
  
“You’re not. You're like the best sniper the military have seen in years. You've saved so many people. Yes, you've lost people, and those feels heavier because it was people close to you. But think about all the lives you've saved. The people who’s alive thanks to you.”  
  
“I hear what you say, and I know you're trying to cheer me up, but it’s kind of drowning in the ‘I’ve lost my soulmate and thanks to all the mistakes I have made, I’ll never get him back’.”  
  
“Don’t give up hope, Even. I know he still loves you. You know it too.”  
  
“Sometimes love isn't enough.”  
  
-  


They were approaching their destination and after making sure it was all clear, they snuck up on the hill and took their places. The guys who usually sat guard, were now spotting and the teams of two and two took in the situation. There were at least fifty guards that Even could see, and the area was fenced in. It was placed in the side of a mountain, obviously built into the mountain to stay hidden from satellites.   
  
“This is not going to be as easy and straight forwards as you played it out to be, Hanson.” Even sneered. He was not okay with this shit. There was noway they could get all of these people before they retaliated, and if anyone made their positions they were sitting ducks. No escape-route, and they were on foot.  
  
“We stick to the plan. When we get the signal, we will take out the guards.” Hanson just replied.  
  
“And if they spot us? We’re fucking sitting ducks.” Lukas snapped, as pissed off as Even. “We didn't sign up for a suicide mission. Frankly, we didn't sign up at all.”  
  
Hanson looked away from his rifle for a minute and straight at them. “Look, this is a one time opportunity to end this war. Yes, it is crazy and yes we might die but we enlisted to end the war and save lives. You guys didn't join the elite squad because you wanted nice and easy. You did it because you wanted to make a difference, right? Right now, we get to make that difference. Who’s with me?”  
  
Even mulled it over in his head. The man was right. He wanted to make a difference. And thinking back at everything that had happened to him the past year, Even had nothing left to lose.  


Or so he thought.  
  
… how very wrong he was about that.  
  
  
———  
  
  
Shit hit the fan before they could take out all the guards. Just like Even had suspected. They got about 20-25 of them before Hanson took a hit in the shoulder. Morrison was next, followed by Simon. Morrison was dead, they had got him in the head. Simon got hit in the arm. They all climbed down, tried to assess the situation. Make a new plan. Alexander put some sort of bandage on Simon and forced him to sit still so the injury wouldn't bleed as much. Jones took care of Hanson and Even paced back and forwards, trying to figure out what to do next.  
  
“We can’t stop now!” Hanson barked. “Get back up there and finish this.”  
  
“Are you insane? They know where we are now and they have brought out snipers of their own. We’re sitting ducks, just like I said!” Even sneered back.  
  
“Find places with better coverage and take them down. This is our one and only shot.”  
  
“Yeah? I suggest an evacuation and bombing the entire goddamn place!” Even decided he hated this guy. He was a typical stubborn, older, military guy who was used to getting his way. Well, tough shit, his fucking way didn't fucking work, now did it?  
  
“They have hostages in there.”  
  
“What?” Even froze. No-one had told him or his team this part. He hated this mission more and more. Not getting all the information was the expert recipe for failure.  
  
“They have a bunch of our guys, and yours, in there.”  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
“Yeah. Still wanna quit?”  
  
And of course the answer to that was no. Because Even was known for this; he always protected his own.  
  
They managed to find covered spots and took turns. Somehow they managed to remove the rest of the guards and clear a path for the ground teams. Even volunteered to stay on sniper guard while the ground teams rescued their people. Hanson was losing too much blood and was drifting in and out of conciseness. They had asked for evacuation but until they had managed to bring the entire camp down, no choppers could get to them. They were alone.  
  
“All hostages cleared and evacuated, going in to take down the rest of this fuckers.” a voice came over the intercom. Even watched as they pulled people out of the mountain and in to cars, driving away. Everything looked like it would run smoothly, until one of the cars blew up. 

  


And the next thing Even knew, bullets were raining on them, from their left side.   
  
It was absolute chaos. Even felt bullets graze him in both shoulders, and one split the skin on his hip. It hurt so much he lost focus for a second. But he held onto his rifle and focused on taking down their enemies. One by one.   
  
And then there was silence.  
  
And Even was afraid to look at his teammates.  
  
But he did.  
  
It was only him, Lukas and Alexander left. They were the only ones alive. Even checked everyone twice, but they were gone. He claimed back up on the hill, checked the convoys. They had manage to evacuate the rest.   
  
“Everyone is clear, sending in the bombers.”  
  
Planes flew over their heads, dropping bombs at the site, making it ring in Even’s ears. They were told a chopper was on the way, and that’s when Even saw it.   
  
The blood, running down Alexander’s body.  
  
He was hit.  
  
  
——  
  
Alexander had taken a hit to the back. The already understaffed medical unit did their best. He kept his life, but lost his ability to ever walk again. Alexander was going to be paralysed and there was nothing Even could do about it.  
  
Last time one of his friends couldn't be saved, he had erratically blamed Isak because he hadn't been there to save them. This time he only blamed himself. They should have been smarter, guarded better. Even should have kept Alexander safe. Simon. Kim. Tobias. Johannes. Simen. He should have protected them all.  
  
Sitting by Alexander’s bedside, he realised one thing. He’d had enough of this shit. He was done with it. It was time to quit the military and find something else to do with his life.  
  
Alexander woke up briefly, and upon learning that he would never walk again, he was less upset than Even would have anticipated. When Even, eyes filled with tears, argued that he would never walk again, Alexander simply replied: “But I get to live.”  
  
They were allowed to leave that same night.  
  
The commander called them into his quarters before they left. Even and Lukas, that was. Alexander was stuck in the medical unit.   
  
“It’s over, boys.” The commander said as they sat down in front of him.  
  
“What is?”  
  
“The fucking war. We took them down. The rest of the groups are surrendering. We will need a few months to pull out completely, but it’s officially over.”  
  
“So… when we go home now, we’re… free?” Lukas dared to ask.  
  
“You will get a bunch of medals and the military will pay you monthly for the rest of your lives. You might be expected to show up at ceremonies and hold a few lectures, but yes. You are free.”  
  
Even looked at Lukas and smiled. They had spent almost a decade together, fighting someone else’s war. Protecting people. Making a difference. But that was all over now. They could go home, be free.   
  
They had lost so many people, especially this past year. It had been the hardest, most difficult year of Even’s life. But it was over. It was all over now.  
  
And Even found himself only wanting to do one thing.  
  
So he did it.  
  
  
——  
  
  
Showing up at Isak’s door unannounced was probably not the wisest move Even had ever made, but he was done with doing things by the book. He was doing what he felt like, what he wanted.   
  
The fact that the power went out as he walked past the nice old lady exiting the building and started on the stairs, was probably a sign that he should turn around and leave, but he couldn’t. He took a deep breath, double checked the address and apart number Jonas had texted him and knocked on the door.  
  
He could hear children crying and a soft voice trying to comfort them.  
  
The lock turned.  
  
The door opened.  
  
And Even forgot how to breathe for a second.  
  
He was so incredibly beautiful.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Seconds dragged on and they just kept staring at each other.  
  
Even didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He hadn't planned this very well. He had only planned up until the knocking part. He hadn't really thought about it. He just knew he had to see Isak. He had to. He knew he could never make it right. He knew Isak would never forgive him. But he had to see him. He just had to.  
  
“Even!” Silje screamed his name and ran straight at him, her tiny body hitting him full force. He smiled, flinched a little at the pain and carefully lifted her up on his uninjured hip, hugging her close. “Hey Silje.” he said. She didn't say a word, just hugged him tightly, like she was afraid he would vanish in thin air if she let go.  
  
“Do you… wanna come in?” Isak asked, biting his lip, looking conflicted.  
  
Even nodded slowly. “If you want me to.”  
  
  
And that’s how he ended up on Isak’s couch with Silje in his arms and Isak placing a glass of soda in front of him. Sitting down next to Even with the baby in his arms, he looked exhausted.   
  
“Are you okay?” Even carefully asked him.  
  
Isak just shook his head. “No. Are you?”  
  
“No.”  
  
They sat in silence again. There was so many unspoken words between them. Isak looked so tired. Even felt tired too. And the painkillers he had taken earlier started wearing off. And just thinking about how much of a mess everything in his life was right now made him want to cry.  
  
“Why are you back?” Isak asked him, sounding curious, not angry at him for showing up unannounced. Where Even expected to find hate and anger, he found sadness and heartbreak.  
  
“The war is over.” It felt so weird saying it. He didn’t even believe it himself. But it was true.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Yeah. We took in the main cell a few days ago. The war is officially over. It will be announced in a few days.”  
  
“Seriously?”  
  
“Mhm.” Even carefully stroked Silje’s hair. The young girl had fallen asleep. “How are Eva and Jonas?”  
  
“Not good. Shocked. In pain. Healing slowly, missing their children.” Isak sighed. “This little one doesn't even have a name yet.”  
  
“I’m so sorry about Jonas.”  
  
“Wasn’t your fault.”  
  
“Kinda was.”  
  
“Kinda. But not really. Jonas doesn't blame you. You were team captain, not the one pulling the trigger. None of us thinks it’s your fault.”  
  
“I know. I don’t deserve his forgiveness. But I do appreciate it.”  
  
Isak bit his lip. Looked really apologetic. “Sorry about Simen.”  
  
“Not your fault.”  
  
“I wasn't good enough to save him.”  
  
Their eyes met. “No-one could have saved him Isak. It’s not your fault.” Even reached out a hand. Briefly touched Isak’s, before withdrawing it, realising that Isak probably didn't want that. “Sorry.”  
  
But Isak just smiled softly at him and said “Don’t be.”  
  
The power didn't come back on, but the kids continued to sleep so Even helped Isak putting them to bed. They ended up back on the couch, and Isak told Even about what happened in the park with Eva. Even had to refrain from reaching out and pulling Isak into his arms.   
  
“I’m sorry you had to go thought that Isak.”  
  
“Eva was the one getting injured.”  
  
“Yeah. But seeing your friend get injured is horrible.”  
  
“It is.”  
  
Even took a deep breath. “We lost Simon, Kim and Tobias. During that last mission. And Alexander…. He will never walk again.”  
  
Isak gaped at him. “Even… shit. I’m so sorry. Shit.”  
  
And next thing he knew, he was letting Isak pull him into his arms.  
  
And there was no place he would rather be.  
  
  
———  
  
  
They talked and talked all night. Figured out how badly they both had messed up, misunderstanding upon misunderstanding. Even told Isak everything that had happened from the moment Isak had first left when he lost his memories and Isak told Even about everything that had happened to him from the same moment.   
  
“So that’s why you thought he was my boyfriend?”  
  
“Yeah, he basically said he was.”  
  
“I’m sorry about that. He was my friend, and I loved him very much, but there was never anything between me and him. There was never anyone else, I swear.”  
  
Isak smiled and grabbed his hand carefully. Even let him.“I believe you.”  
  
“And you? Did you meet someone else?” Even asked carefully, not really sure if he could handle the answer.  
  
Isak just shook his head. “Even before my memories came back, my heart knew where it belonged. A few months after signing those papers, this feeling in my chest just wouldn't let me go. I didn’t even remember you, but still I knew I loved you.”  
  
Even didn't know what to say to that. In the end he didn't need to say anything. They sat in a comfortable silence, taking in all the information they had just learned.  
  
“I’m sorry for ever leaving you in the first place.” Isak whispered.  
  
“I’m sorry I let you go.” Even replied.   
  
Their eyes met and for a second, Even believed everything might work out.   
  
Isak helped Even change the bandages on his shoulders and hip. Even held Isak so he could get some sleep. Even himself stayed awake. He had slept a few hours on the plane home and right now, nothing felt more important than holding Isak, making sure he was okay.  
  
But he wasn't okay, Even had to remind himself. Nothing was okay, because everything was a mess. Most of all, Even was a mess. Everything in his life was wrong, but the worst of it all was his broken heart. And with every breath, while holding this beautiful sleeping man in his arms, Even shattered more and more. Because while they both knew how the other truly felt, there was so much unresolved between them. Even had been honest when he had said he couldn't handle losing Isak again and therefore didn't want a relationship with him. But at the same time there was nothing else he wanted more.  
  
He was conflicted, and no matter how he twisted and turned the situation in his mind, he couldn't find the solution.  
  
The kids woke up with the break of dawn, and Even carefully slid out from underneath Isak, tucked a blanket around him and went to get them. He carefully changed the baby’s diaper and took both of the kids into the kitchen, making pancakes for Isak and Silje and a bottle for the baby.   
  
Even was used to helping with kids, having had older siblings with small children when he went to high school. So he knew what to do, but when Silje burst out in tears in the middle of breakfast, crying that she missed her mommy, he was at a loss.  
  
Isak came stumbling into the kitchen, looking as unsure about how to handle this as Even felt himself. Even motioned to Silje, silently asking Isak to fix it, and Isak shrugged helplessly, his eyes pleading with Even, conveying that he didn't have a single clue how to stop the wailing child.  
  
And that was all it took for Even to start laughing, a bit hysterically. “We can handle a fucking war zone across the globe, but taking care of two tiny children for a few hours? No that’s outside our comfort zone.”   
  
Isak looked like he wanted to protest, but instead he just laughed with him. And for some reason it was exactly how they managed to stop Silje from crying. She went from crying to looking confused, to laughing with them, and after a while they all laughed without really knowing exactly why.  
  
Even looked at Isak and Silje and the baby he held in his arms and for a second let himself believe he could have a future like this.  
  
But as they finished up breakfast and Isak’s phone started ringing, he was brought back to reality. Even was no longer a part of Isak’s life, and with all the shit that had happened this past year between them, they would probably no longer fit.  
  
He helped put the baby down for a nap, clean up the kitchen and got ready to leave as Isak finished up his phone-call.  
  
“Are you leaving?” Isak asked him.  
  
“Yeah, well, I figured it was time to go so…”  
  
“Do you have a place to stay?”  
  
Even made a grimace. “Well, no. I got home like three hours before I came here yesterday. I only travelled with Alexander to the hospital and made sure he would be okay before I left and went straight here.”  
  
“What hospital is he at?”  
  
“The one you worked at. Or work at?” he questioned, not sure if Isak was back at work.  
  
“I start again tomorrow. They asked me to come in for a consult today.” Isak said, gesticulating to the previous phone-call. “What are your plans today?”  
  
“I… don’t have any.”  
  
“Wanna come visit Eva and Jonas with the kids? I pulled some strings. We can stop by Alexander too.”  
  
“I’d love to.” Even smiled.   
  
They got showered and changed, Isak lent Even some clothes and helped him change the bandages again. It felt strangely more intimate now in the daylight than it had at night. “Are you on any kind of antibiotics? Some of these wounds are pretty deep, you could get an infection.” Isak started babbling and Even realised that he wasn't the only one feeling nervous right now.   
  
He reached out and gently grabbed Isak’s wrist. “Hey. If having me here makes you uncomfortable I can leave.”  
  
Isak looked so broken at his words, Even wished he could just take them back. “I would never be uncomfortable around you.” Isak whispered, shattering Even’s already broken heart even more.  
  
“You were. Once. Remember? When you lost your memories you were uncomfortable around me. And now you're hurt and scared and jumping at noises. And I am this fucked up sniper, I mean… I’ve killed people.” It suddenly hit him full force. He had let himself get so used to it, it seemed so normal to him. But saying the words out loud now, made him want to throw up. “Oh my god, I’ve killed people Isak!” It felt like he couldn't breathe. He wanted to cry but no tears came. Only this heavy weight on his chest, making it harder and harder to breathe. “I’ve killed people, and my friends died and I fucking lost you!” he shook his head. “I’m so fucked up. I don’t have any education, I don’t have a place to live, I don’t have anything!”   
  
And then, finally, the tears started falling. Slow at first, then faster and faster. And strong arms were suddenly holding him tight, hugging him so hard he felt like maybe things wasn't so bad for a second. 

  


“We’re both fucked up. You have done what was asked of you, nothing more and nothing less. You're a hero Even, don’t you dare doubt that for a second. And you have something. If you want to, you can live here. I have a spare room. As for losing me… didn't you once say that ‘In order to have something forever you have to lose it’? Well, yes, you lost me and I lost you. But then you found me again. And it will be hard, and maybe it won’t work out, but I’m willing to try if you are, okay?”  
  
“After everything that has happened, you would take me back?”  
  
“In every parallel universe.”

  


——  
  
They spent the day with Jonas and Eva and the kids. It was so surreal, how normal it all felt. Four friends hanging out, spending time with two kids and talking like nothing had changed between them. But everything had. And Even had to focus really hard on not breaking down.  
  
Watching Isak play with Silje and hug Eva, he couldn't help wondering how things would be if he took Isak’s offer. Moved in, started over. But looking at Jonas, and going to talk to Alexander while Isak had that counsult, he realised that going with Isak now would be the worst mistake of his life. Of both their lives.  
  
They were so broken, and the war was having this hold over them. Even would probably fight his demons by breaking things and hitting things and yelling. He had seen it happening to other people, coming back from the war. He expected to have nightmares and panic attacks and probably PTSD.  
  
And Isak was broken, he could see that. He was broken emotionally. His body looked strong, but his mind wasn’t. He had lost people too. He had his heart broken. He had come closer to death than he ever expected. He was scared and in pieces. And while Even knew that Isak was strong, there is a limit to how strong a person could be. And Isak was walking on it.  
  
They needed more time to heal, and they needed to heal apart. So Even decided against staying. He needed to get his life in order, and so did Isak. As they left the hospital that afternoon, he said the words out loud.  
  
“But we can do that together, Even.” Isak protested, holding on to the tiny baby in his arms.  
  
“No. If we get back together now, we will break apart again. We’re both different people. I’m broken, and so are you. It won’t work.”  
  
Isak looked like he wanted to cry. “It will if we try.” he whispered stubbornly.  
  
Even shook his head and grabbed Isak’s arm carefully. “Isak. I can’t lose you again. If we try now, that would probably happen. And I can’t. I can’t handle that. I need to put myself back together first. I need to get my life together.”  
  
Then he kissed Isak on his forehead, gave him one last apologising smile and walked away from his soulmate, his heart breaking with every step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Certain Things, James Arthur
> 
>  
> 
> Please let me know what you think guys <3


	9. BLAME IT ON ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting closer to the end guys. I estimate this story to be ten or eleven chapters plus the epilogue.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who have read and commented and left kudos on this story, I love you all <3

 

 

_** Caught in the tide of blossom, caught in the carnival  
Your confidence forgotten, and I see the gypsies run  
What you're waiting for?  
What you're waiting for?  
** _

 

 

  
Isak held a baby to his chest with one arm and the held hand of a six year old with his other and watched the love of his life walk away once more. Once more he was left behind, once more they were going separate ways.   
  
He don’t know how he did it, but he managed to drive the kids to Sana and Yousef’s place. They were more than happy too take the kids, and Isak was so relieved. He couldn't do it right now. Sana tried to cheer him up, but he couldn't feel anything at the moment.  
  
Somehow he managed to get himself home, and the second he locked the door behind him, he crashed. He cried, yelled, threw things. He hit the wall, screamed in pain, laid on the floor. For a brief second he wondered if the solution to end the pain was ending his life, because he couldn't find anything left to live for. But he just couldn’t make himself do that.  
  
At some point he found a bottle of vodka in a cupboard. After that, things became kind of a blur. He ended up going out, wandering the streets until he found a bridge. He just stood there, for a long time, wondering how it would feel like if he jumped. If he would feel anything at all.  
  
Some part of his brain kept telling him what he had already decided back in his apartment. Suicide was not the way. But that didn't stop him from standing there, looking down, and wondering “what if?”.  
  
A loud honk from a car nearby jolted him out of his irrational thoughts. He shook it off and continued to walk. Ending up closer and closer to down town, he started looking for a bar. Not just any bar, but the one he had escaped to all those years ago, where Eskild had found him and rescued him.  
  
Tonight, Isak didn't want rescuing. He wanted to get shitfaced drunk and possibly get laid. He wasn't sure if his mind could handle the last one yet, but if he nailed the first, he could possibly stomach the last. Because nothing mattered anymore, did it?  
  
He managed to order himself a drink, and then another, and after that, the memories went from blurred to non-existent. He remembered only flashes. Going into the bathroom with some handsome looking guy. Drinking these weird drinks in crazy colours. Crying in shame.  
  
And Eskild. At some point, he was getting fucking rescued again by fucking Eskild. He hadn't been sure that it had really happened, that it wasn't a dream, until he woke up on Eskild’s couch the next morning, being forced to eat breakfast with Eskild and his husband.   
  
“Isak. Are you okay?” Eskild had asked.  
  
“No. No I’m not.” Isak had admitted, tears running down his face.  
  
Eskild had taken him to a free clinic to check for STD, as he couldn't remember if he had done anything with anyone, or used a condom. After getting examined by a nice girl with a kind touch, it was 99% certain that Isak had not done anything with that guy, but he got the tests done anyway.   
  
Eskild didn't want to leave him alone when they arrived back at the apartment, so they spent the day on the couch, watching TV while Isak went between staring emotionlessly at the wall, and breaking out in uncontrolled sobs.   
  
In the end, he slept. Eskild must have let himself out at some point, Isak couldn't remember the details. He slept for so long, only leaving the bed to pee, that in the end his voicemail was full and most of his friends had stopped by, trying to get him to let them in. The only person who had a key was Eva, but as she was still in the hospital so he was left alone.   
  
Getting out of the bed one day, Isak found out it had been three weeks. He had stayed in bed for three weeks. He suddenly understood how Even must have felt every time he was having a depressive episode. It was horrible. And Isak didn't even have that heavy darkness smothering him. He knew this wasn't really depression, but he wasn't sure how to describe it either.   
  
Sitting at his kitchen table and staring out the window at the empty street, he realised two things. 1) Getting up from bed after a ‘depressive episode’ to find out it was raining didn't really help and 2) he needed professional help.  
  
He started by calling in to work. He quickly explained to his supervisor what had happened and that he had realised he needed help. She offered to find him a counsellor but he respectfully declined, saying he already had a place to go. She promised him that his job would be waiting for him as long as he wanted it, and he thanked her.  
  
Hanging up the phone he packed a bag. He went through his mail, and opened the letter from the health clinic with shaking hands. He was clean. So nothing had probably happened, which was a fucking relief. After tidying up, he grabbed his things and walked out, locking his apartment behind him and got into his car. Without giving himself a chance to change his mind, he drove to the military base and checked himself into the rehabilitation programme they offered for the soldiers who had been to Syria.  
  
——  
  
It turned out to be the best decision he had made in his life. He stayed for nearly three months. That’s how much time he needed to get back on his feet. Thinking back on it, most of his memories were blurry. He was assigned a therapist, and she put him on medications the first week, to help him get back on track. By week nine he was no longer on any medication, but not confident that he would be able to handle life just yet.  
  
He learned how to sleep again, became more relaxed and stopped jumping at noises. He talked to people who had experienced the same as him, or worse. Some had experienced less of the awful stuff and were still worse off than Isak. He found comfort in that, the fact that he was actually one of the stronger ones. But like his therapist kept repeating to him whenever he doubted himself; “No matter how strong a person might be, there comes a breaking point. It’s different for us all, the breaking point, but we all have one. Handling so much loss and grief and coming so close to death? Anyone would break down from that. You're a brave person, Isak. You went to a war zone to fight for love. Twice. That takes serious guts.”  
  
Whenever she asked him if he would do it again, he always just looked at her for a while, thinking it through. The first nine weeks he firmly answered no. No, he wouldn't do it again.  
  
But they also spent weeks talking about Even. Him and Even together and apart. Their entire love story. And ripping up into old memories again and again, made sure of one thing. The only part of Isak that didn't fully heal, was his heart. He missed Even every day. Longed for him. But accepting Even’s decision, he never called him. He talked it over with his therapist too, and she agreed with Even’s decision. After hearing their stories, all of it, she agreed. “Healing apart is a good idea. That way you can work on being together rather than fixing yourselves and the other person. Right now you're probably longing for Even, but in the end, when you walk out of here feeling like yourself again, you will realise it was a good choice.”  
  
He doubted himself everyday the first 8 weeks. Then he started thinking about it a little more, and at some point around week ten or eleven, he realised she was right.   


  
During the time there he met some of his old coworkers. Among them was Pia. She wasn't as badly affected as him, but her problem was that she couldn't sleep. They spent hours walking around the grounds together, talking about the time in Syria, but also Afghanistan.  
  
“You remember when we first met, before going down there?”  
  
“Yeah, I remember you not liking me.” she grinned.  
  
“Likewise.” he chuckled. “No, but really, do you remember how young and naive we were?”  
  
“Yeah. I do.”  
  
They walked around a pond. Pia looked like she wanted to say something, but she never did. Isak already knew what it was, but didn't ask. At least not at first.  
  
“Does it ever bother you? Me forcing you into that position, that day?”  
  
“A little. But I keep reminding myself that you were the superior surgeon on staff and that the responsibility fell on you. You had final say and… you were right. There was nothing more we could have done for him.”  
  
“That is true.”  
  
“I just keep remembering their faces. When I told them about his death. And the screaming, from Even. The heartbreaking, soul-shattering screams.”  
  
“I’m sorry you had to be the one to do that. It should have been me.”  
  
“You were saving someone else.”  
  
“Yeah. But it should have been me.”  
  
He ended up telling her what Even had said about Simen. How he hadn't even seemed upset about Isak’s failure. Just sad about the loss of his friend. He told her about Jonas and Eva and the kids. And finally, he told her about Even leaving him again.  
  
“I’m sorry Isak. And I’m sorry I was so hard on you when we were down there. You never deserved it, you didn't do anything wrong.”  
  
“I kind of feel like I deserved some of it, you know?”  
  
“But you didn’t. None of it.”  
  
“Well, I disagree, but… Thank you.”  
  
“I hope you and Even find your way back together. I really do.”  
  
“Me too. But it seems like we’re just not meant to be anymore. War changes people.”  
  
“Yeah, but love conquers all.” she smiled at him.  
  
He tried to smile back. He wished he could believe her.  
  
-  
  
His last day was spent with his therapist. They sat by the pond, fed the ducks and talked about his plans for when he got back home. They talked about the hospital, his career choice and how he ended up as a doctor.   
  
They talked about how he met Even.  
  
“And he took all the paper towels?”  
  
“Yep, every single one.”  
  
“To get your attention?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Damn, that’s desperation on another level.”  
  
“Yeah, he said so.”  
  
She laughed. “Were you that oblivious? Since he had to take such drastic measures to get your attention?”  
  
“Maybe. I was deeeeeeply in the closet. Like, so far in that I was in fucking Narnia.”  
  
“But he helped you find your way out?”  
  
“He sure did.”  
  
“Tell me how you knew he was the one. I mean, just because he helped you discover who you really were didn't mean you had to stay with him forever.”  
  
“I don’t really know why. I just knew. I just fought to stay with him. He fought to stay with me. And together, we overcame everything in our way. Until we no longer did, I guess.”  
  
“Do you still love him?”  
  
“I never stopped.”  
  
“And when you get out now, will you go look for him?”  
  
He bit his lip. “I don’t know. He asked for space.”  
  
She nodded. “But don’t give up. True love is rare, Isak. So don’t give up on it. Keep fighting for it.”  
  
“I will.”  
  
  
When she asked him again before he was leaving, as he was putting his bags into the car, if he would do it all again, he didn't need to think about it for a second. He held his head high, locked his gaze with hers and with a firm and steady words said: “Yes.”  
  
  
———  
  


Leaving, he didn't go straight home. He had people he needed to see. So he drove to Jonas and Eva’s house and parked outside. They welcomed him in. Or, Eva did. Jonas was still having a little trouble walking, but was making great progress in physical training according to Eva.   
  
“I’m so glad you guys are doing better.” he said, hugging both his friends.  
  
“You too Isak. You look good.” Jonas smiled.  
  
They invited him to dinner, and Isak volunteered to help Eva make it.  
  
“So, how have you been Isak?” Jonas asked, sitting on a kitchen chair with both his children on his lap. The baby had finally gotten a name. They had decided on Annika. Isak liked it.  
  
“Awful. It was really hard for a few weeks. Lots of problems to address, lots of issues to figure out. But it was just what I needed, you know? I feel better now. More like myself.”  
  
“That’s good, huh?” Eva said, chopping up carrots.   
  
“It is.” Isak grabbed a knife and moved to help her, and she flinched away.   
  
“Shit. Sorry. Knives still scare me.”  
  
Isak put down his knife quickly. “I’m so sorry Eva. I didn’t think.” He bit his lip, hard.  
  
She just took a deep breath and shook her head, gesticulated to the table, asking him to sit. Isak shook his head back at her, and smiled softly. “You sit. I’ll cook.”   
  
She accepted and sat down. “It’s just hard. I’ve been to therapy ever since I got out of the hospital, but seeing someone holding a knife, especially someone as tall and strongly built as you, it makes my heart skip a beat and panic take over.”  
  
“It’s okay to be scared Eva. I should have been more careful. I’m sorry.”  
  
They decided to drop the topic there and Isak cooked dinner while listening to Jonas and Eva tell him about what they had done these past months. Mostly doctor visits and therapy sessions and taking care of the baby. They seemed tired but happy. Isak promised to come back the next day to take Jonas to physical therapy and left after dinner.   
  
He got back home, emptied his mailbox and walked inside. As the door closed behind him, he dropped his bag and just stood there. Thinking about what was next. Looking at his dusty apartment.   
  
He could try to call Even, but just because Isak had his life together didn't mean Even was ready yet. And he didn't have his number. So he put down his phone and did the only other thing that came to mind.   
  
He cleaned his apartment.  


-  
  
Sitting down in his now cleaned apartment, he opened his mail. Mostly bills, which he paid right away, and then one thick envelope. 

 

It was from his lawyer.  
  
With shaking hands, he opened it, to find the finalised divorce inside. It had been a year since they filed for divorce. Since neither of them had withdrawn it, it was now final. They were no longer married. They were just Isak and Even, not Isak & Even. Nothing tied them together anymore, and upon realising he didn't even have Even’s phone number, Isak felt a little hopeless. It was really truly over. Done.  
  
Isak wanted to cry. He regretted not having stopped it. He regretted having filed for divorce in the first place. But just like a marriage takes two, so does a divorce. Even could have stopped it, and he chose not to. So Isak had to assume this was something Even wanted too.  
  
He had suggested that Even could move back in when they last saw each other. He had asked him to stay. Even had still chosen to leave. Maybe he didn't want Isak anymore. You could love someone without being _in_ love with them.  
  
But the way Even had touched him that night told him otherwise. The looks in his eyes and the tone of his voice. The way he came straight to Isak’s place after coming home. So he would do as he promised himself and his therapist and everyone else. He would just keep waiting for Even to come back to him. When he was ready, he would, right?  
  
Right?  
  
——  
  
Going back to work was another adjustment. Getting used to the more relaxed atmosphere that the hospital offered was weird. He hadn't spent that much time in Syria, but the constant rushing and panicking and lack of time and supplies, people dying left and right, had become normal to him. So sitting on his ass and waiting for cases when he was on call seemed weird. Only having ten patients to care for instead of forty was weird.  
  
Having free time to read up on cases and research and just take a break was weird. Having the help of five nurses and two interns while operating was weird. But he enjoyed every second of it.  
  
The life he previously had taken for granted, found a little boring, was now luxurious, comfortable and nice. Yes, he had said he would do it again, when his therapist asked. But he was so glad there was no reason for him to ever go back down to Syria. The war was over, the Norwegian military had pulled out, there wasn't anyone left down there. The country was at peace. Most of the world was at peace. It was a nice thought.  
  
Tonight he was on call in the ER, which meant he might get patients outside his speciality. It was fine, after being a military doctor, he was basically a trauma surgeon. Treating people with colds and broken bones and stitching up people who had been in bar fights was fine. He was fine with it.   
  
Tonight he had treated an old man with a possible broken hip, who was now waiting for x-rays, an infant with a fever who was a little concerning which he decided should spend the night and get fluids (and with hysterical parents that he had to spend fifty minutes calming down) and a few head wounds from a bar fight.   
  
Checking a list to see which patient was next, he grabbed the paperwork and walked over to the waiting room.   
  
“Lunde?”  
  
It took him less than a second to realise that this was the same Lunde that had been a part of Even’s team. Who was Even’s best friend. Who was sitting in a fucking wheelchair.   
  
“Dr. Valtersen. We meet again.” Alexander tried to smile, but his face was more of a grimace as they moved back to the examine room.   
  
“Uh… Are you okay with me as your doctor or do you want me to get someone else?”  
  
“Are you kidding? Rather you than anyone else.”  
  
“Okay then.. What can I help you with?” Isak asked, feeling a little unsure about this.  
  
“Nothing exciting I’m afraid. Just need a prescription for more painmeds.” Alexander shrugged.  
  
Isak lifted an eyebrow. “Painmeds? Are you supposed to be on them still?”  
  
“Yeah, I have a lot of phantom pains in my legs.”  
  
Isak reviewed the file on Alexander’s case, looked at the x-rays and read what the operating doctor back in Syria had written. “Do you mind if I do a medical exam on you?”  
  
“Not at all, but do you need that to prescribe meds?” Alexander looked confused.  
  
“No. But I want to check something.”  
  
Without another question, Alexander let Isak lift him out of the wheelchair and onto the examine bench. Isak was sure Alexander would be bothered by it or ashamed, most people who was new to being in a wheelchair was, but he was relaxed and comfortable it seemed.   
  
“So, are you adjusting well?” Isak decided to ask anyway.  
  
“Yeah. Well, yes and no. I am fine with it, I mean… I got to live, right? So I’m staying positive. But I’m not very good at getting in and out of the chair by myself, so Lukas and Even helps me. I know I should practice doing it myself, but…”  
  
“You live with Even?” Isak blurted out.  
  
“Yeah. Shit. Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be. I won’t ask you anything about him, just… tell me if he’s okay?”  
  
“Not yet. But I think he’s getting there.” Alexander smiled a weak smile.  
  
“Good.” Isak nodded. He started his examination, asked Alexander about the pain and how it felt, and bent and stretched his legs for a while.  
  
“He blames himself, for this. Me, being in this chair.”  
  
Isak suspected as much. But he refrained from commenting on it. “You don’t seem to bothered by it?”  
  
“I got to live. Most people didn't get that. It sucks at times, yeah, but I’ll get used to it.”  
  
Isak just bit tongue and nodded. Continued in silence, confirming his suspicions.  
  
“So doc, what is your diagnose?” Alexander laughed.  
  
“That you need an MRI and a more thorough examination.”  
  
“Why?” Alexander said, his voice sounding sceptical.  
  
Isak smiled softly. “Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been misdiagnosed. Now, I’m not a neurological-surgeon, so I’m going to transfer your case to one of my co-workers. But, without promising anything, I think you might possibly have a shot at walking again.”  
  
Alexander looked like Isak had told him he had won the lottery. “For real?”  
  
“For real.” Isak smiled, and started writing into Alexander’s journal. This was definitely the best part of his night. He couldn't make any promises, but it looked like Alexander might have a decent shot at getting his legs back.  
  
“Stay on my case.”   
  
“What?”  
  
“Stay on my case. You're the one who figured this out. I trust you Isak. I always have. Yeah, I might have doubted you around Even, but I never doubted you medically. Please. Please take my case.”  
  
Isak was unsure how to answer this. He wasn't a neurological specialist, but something about the sheer look of joy on Alexander’s face made it impossible for him to say no. He could always make one of the people on neuro scrub in and help him. So he nodded his head in a yes. “Okay.” he said. Watched how happy Alexander looked. Decided to add one more thing. “But you can’t tell Even.”  
  
“What? Why?” Alexander looked confused.  
  
“You can’t tell him that I’m the one doing this. He can’t know that we met. He wanted time and space and I will wait until he is ready. So… just don’t tell him you saw me.”  
  
Alexander smiled, patted his arm and nodded his head. “I was wrong back when you came down to make it right. It was never your fault. None of it. And I’m so glad you came back for him. That you fought for him. I hope the two of you find your way back together. I really do.”  
  
Isak smiled weakly back. “Me too Alexander, me too.”  
  
—

 

He managed to get Alexander an MRI the next day. After consulting with one of his friends in neuro, they were both having the same conclusion: With one operation and a lot of physical therapy, Alexander would most likely walk again. There were no guarantees, but the nerves seemed to be intact and Alexander had responded on all of the tests Isak had done. The phantom pains were real pain, and Isak was adamant on making sure Alexander would live a painless life, preferably without the wheelchair.   
  
He couldn't save Simen for Even, but he could save Alexander. The rational part of his brain told him that no-one expected him to make up for losing Simen, but he felt like he had to. Within a week they had managed to book the OR for the surgery, and it had now been two weeks, and Isak was on his way to go check up on his patient.   
  
Walking down the hallway, he flipped through the chart in his hands, preparing for the patient he had after Alexander. Just as he was about to go in, he looked through the glass in the door and saw a person sitting next to Alexander.   
  
Even.  
  
He took his hand of the handle and hesitated. He could always come back and do the check in a few hours. It had been over four months since he had seen Even now. And Even hadn't reached out once. There must have been a reason for that. So Isak turned around and forced himself to walk away, despite his heart demanding him to stop.  
  
Coming back later that night, Even was gone, so Isak walked in.  
  
“How are you feeling Alexander?” he said, trying to keep his voice cheerful.  
  
“Like someone cut me open and put me back together again.” Alexander joked. “It’s fine. It hurts a lot, but the nurses said thats normal.”  
  
“It is.” Isak nodded. “But aside from the pain, how are you holding up?”  
  
“Good. Had a visitor today.”  
  
“I saw.”  
  
“He misses you too, you know.”  
  
“I’m giving him space.”  
  
“And that’s good. But don’t worry, he will come back to you. I just know it. You guys are meant to be.”  
  
“You think so?”  
  
“I know so.”  
  
When Isak left Alexander’s room that day, he felt a small twig of hope.   
  
-

 

Which made it a little less hard when he was faced with his next patient.  
  
A pregnant lady, only twenty-five years old, who had gotten impaled in a car-crash, her heart so badly damaged that Isak just couldn't save her. It was like Syria and Simen all over again, only this time it wasn’t a soldier who signed up for the risk but a pregnant lady. She had probably gotten out of bed today, planning her future and being happy. Looking forward to have a child. And now she was dying, no matter what Isak did.   
  
He kept trying longer than reasonable. The surgery lasted six hours, and he still had to call time of death. It was a fucking horrible day.  
  
The baby was saved, despite being a little too small, it was healthy and fine. But the mother had been alone, the father had died in Syria. There was no grandparents or aunts or uncles. There was no-one.   
  
Which was how Isak ended up walking around the hospital with a baby in his arms, doing his nightly check ups.  


The only patient awake was Alexander.  
  
“Why are you up? Need me to adjust your painmeds?” Isak whispered.  
  
“Please. And who’s child is that?” Alexander smiled.  
  
Isak gave him a sad look. “An orphan. Social services couldn't find anyone to take a baby this small, so he’ll stay here at the hospital until they find someone I guess.”  
  
“He’s cute.”  
  
“He is. Get some sleep Alexander.” Isak started walking out of the room.  
  
“You should keep him.” Alexander called out after him.  
  
“I can’t have a baby. I work twelve-hour shifts.” Isak said dumbly.  


“You’ll find a way.” Alexander smirked.  
  
“You’re high on painmeds.” Isak deadpanned.  
  
“Makes me honest.” Alexander chuckled. “Call Even.”  
  
“Good night Alexander.” Isak smirked. As he walked out of the room and down the hall, he couldn't help but look at the baby and imagine a future where he could do just what Alexander had suggested. Adopt a baby.   
  
And call Even.  
  
He would do neither.  
  
But it was tempting.  
  
———  
  
Isak kept taking care of that baby for the next week. Everyone suggested what Alexander had said. That Isak should just adopt him. But he would never even be considered, being a doctor who worked twelve hour shifts, and living alone. But as he sat next to the crib and watched the baby as he ate his lunch, he couldn't help but wonder if it was worth a try.  
  
After everything he had been through, all the insane stuff that had happened in his life, adopting a baby when he had a good job, nice apartment and was over 30 didn't seem that crazy.  
  
After asking Jonas and Eva and then Sana and Yousef for their opinions, he filled out the paperwork and gave it to his boss.   
  
“You finally came to your senses?” she smiled.  
  
“If anything, this is the furthest from my senses I’ve been since I’ve been back. And why are you smiling, if this is approved I will be taking a leave. You’ll be a doctor short.” Isak snorted.  
  
“I can handle being a doctor short. I mean, having you here is a blessing Isak. You will always have a room here, that’s how good you are. I mean, you just made a paralysed man walk!”  
  
Isak held up a hand. “Not yet, and he wasn't actually paralysed.”  
  
“Details. You keep downplaying your own abilities. You are a hero Isak. Own it.”  
  
“Hah.”  
  
“Don’t hah me. I mean it. You are an excellent doctor. Don’t ever think otherwise.”  
  
“Okay, okay. Thank you? I guess.” He laughed.   
  
“You’re welcome. I hope this gets approved. Seriously.”  
  
Isak nodded. “Me too.” he really was.  
  
-  
  
Isak was sitting on his living room floor with a wineglass in one hand, looking at the stupid divorce papers. They were laying in front of him, with the settlement and his ring. He hated the papers. Really hated them. He wanted to rip them apart in tiny little pieces. Maybe he would. (Or he would make copies and rip those, because he probably needed the originals for something)  
  
He picked up his phone and put it down again. Repeated the process. He wanted to call Even so badly. But he didn't have his fucking number. He just wanted to hear his voice. See his face. Smell his scent. Hug him.   
  
Isak was slightly buzzed.  
  
He just wanted Even back.  
  
He had made peace with Even’s choice about them getting better before trying again. But it had been over four months now. Isak couldn't help but wonder if maybe Even had just moved on.   
  
People did that. Moved on.  
  
He got up. Walked over to the window. Looked out at the streets. It was raining again. Walked back into the living room and put the ring back around his neck. Gathered the documents and dropped them on the coffee table before walking into the kitchen, decided that he could make dinner before changing out of his work clothes.  
  
He caught himself dreaming about a future where he would get both Even and the baby. A future where he could lead a perfectly boring life. Going to work and treating patients. Saving lives. Without worrying about his own. Coming home to a husband and a baby, eating dinner and talking about their days. Curling up on the couch and watching a movie, falling asleep tangled up together.  
  
But like most dreams, it ended abruptly.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Isak didn't expect anyone, but he had a feeling about who it might be. Opening the door, expecting to see Even, the sight that met him sobered him right up.

 

 

  
  
Because outside his door, stood two men i military uniform.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song this chapter title is taken from:
> 
> \- Blame It On Me, George Ezra


	10. JUST HOLD ON

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the cliffhanger, I just couldn't help myself! (I am the master of evil I guess) I also planned on updating this days ago, I just couldn't find the time with travelling and being sick and having so much stuff to take care of.
> 
> But here it is, the last chapter! (There will be an epilogue, I just need to find the time to write it)

 

 

 

_** The sun goes down and it comes back up  
The world it turns no matter what  
If it all goes wrong  
Darling, just hold on ** _

 

 

 

 

You can try to plan your life down to the finest details. You can make a plan and work towards your goals. You can wish and pray and hope that it turns out the way you want it to. But there are no guarantees. Life throws you curveballs and all you can do is hope that you’ll catch a few.  
  
Isak had made peace with the fact that his life didn't turn out the way he planned. Because after all, he didn't really plan his life at all. He just decided where he wanted to go one day and kept walking. Straight into Even’s arms and further on into medical school. And from there he just followed the road where it took him. He had become a cardio-surgeon because he was good at it. He had followed Even down to Afghanistan because of love. He hadn't ever planned for his life to end up like it had.  
  
But he didn't regret any of it. That was his greatest comfort. Whenever life was hard and he felt like crying, he kept holding on to that. He didn't regret it. He would take every curveball and make the same choices over and over again.  
  
Seeing two military officers standing outside his door at eight pm on a thursday night, he wondered if this might be the one curveball he couldn't handle.  
  
When the military comes knocking on your door, everyone knows it means someone is dead. Someone you know and love, someone who matters to you.  
  
His first thought was that they must be here about Even. That had to be it. Even must have been in an accident or… or maybe he couldn't do it alone. Maybe he had needed Isak. And Isak hadn't been there. Maybe this was all Isak’s fault. Maybe-  
  
“Isak Valtersen?”  
  
He was afraid to say yes. Afraid of what followed. Afraid to hear their next words. But it was automatic. His mouth betrayed him and opened, a word came out, “Yes.” and all he could so was wait, brace for the impact.  
  
“I’m sorry we’re here so late. You weren't home when we came earlier, your neighbour told us you work shifts.” one of the men said. And he was smiling. How the fuck was he smiling?  
  
They were both smiling. The other one started saying something, but Isak was so lost in his own thoughts he didn't catch the words “I’m sorry, what?” he asked.  
  
“I said, we’re here about the ceremony next week. All the soldiers who have been to Syria need to come.” He handed Isak a sheet of paper. “All the information is on this.”  
  
Isak took the paper, and just looked dumbly at them. “You’re… not here to tell me.. someone’s dead?”  
  
“No Sir.” they just smiled. “Only here to invite you to the ceremony.”  
  
They made their move to leave. Grabbed the hem of their hats and nodded politely at him. “Have a good evening Sir.”  
  
And then Isak watch them leave. Just like that.  
  
Standing there in his doorway, clutching a piece of paper in his hand, watching them walk away, he made up his mind.  
  
  
———

  
  
Sometimes, the greatest moments of our lives aren't big and spectacular and like in the movies. Most of the time they are small and to the outside world they look insignificant. And maybe they are. But just like Mahatma Gandhi said; Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Because nobody else will.  
  
In hindsight, he could have waited ten days for the ceremony and done this then. But right then and there, he couldn't stop himself. He just walked inside, grabbed his keys and walked right back out. Still dressed in hospital scrubs and a hoodie, he walked to his car, got in, and started driving.  
  
Having found the address in Alexander’s chart, he parked his car outside the building and went to the door, rung the bell. No-one answered.  
  
His resolution faltered a little. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. What if Even actually had moved on? What if he had found someone else, someone less complicated, easier to love.  
  
What if?  
  
Isak started backing away, turned around to go back to his car-  
  
And almost crashed straight into Even.  
  
“Hey.” he whispered.  
  
“Hey back,” Even said, smiling brightly. “What are you doing here?”

  
And Isak didn't know what to say, because he wasn't sure what he was doing there. When he had left his apartment he had been so determined to get here, only to now realise he didn't know what to say or what he wanted.  
  
So he said just that. “These military dudes showed up outside my door and I thought… but they just invited me to some kind of ceremony. But I just had to come find you. To see you were okay.” he shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m doing here Even. My heart told me to go and I went.”  
  
Even took a step closer. Grabbed his hand. “I’m glad you did.”  
  
“I tried to stay away. Give you time.” Isak whispered.  
  
“I did the same, for you.” Even said, lifting his other hand to carefully stroke his fingers across Isak’s cheek.  
  
“Why didn't you stop the divorce from going though?”  
  
“I thought it was what you wanted. Why didn't you?”  
  
“I though you wanted it.”  
  
They both shared a small laughter.  
  
“Wanna eat pizza and drink beer with me and Lukas?” Even asked him.  
  
“Sure.”  
  
  
The apartment Even shared with Lukas and Alexander was huge, and everything was easy access and wheelchair friendly. Lukas, who hadn't answered the door because he had been in the shower, welcomed Isak with open arms and a really big hug, and the three men sat down on the couch.  
  
While they waited for the pizza to be delivered, they drank beer and told each other about their lives. Even and Lukas didn't work, simply because they didn't need to. They held lectures at the military base a few times a month, but other than that they just lived life. Went to the gym, watched a lot of tv, played video-games, went on camping trips when the weather allowed it.  
  
Isak knew he also was entitled to getting paid by the military. But he liked working. Keeping busy. Sitting in his apartment all day would just make him crazy, he knew that.  
  
Lukas put down his beer. “So, we know.”  
  
“Know what?” Isak asked, taking another sip of his.  
  
“That you're the one who fixed Alexander.”  
  
The room became dead quiet.  
  
Even looked guilty. “I peeked in the journal in his room. You were listed as the doctor on his case. So I forced him to spill.”

 

Isak looked at them for a few seconds before he shrugged. “Okay.”  
  
“You’re not upset?”  
  
“Why would I be?”  
  
“Because you told Alexander not to tell.” Lukas said.  
  
Isak made a face. He felt uncomfortable taking this in front of Lukas. But on second hand, after being through two wars together, they knew each other pretty well. So what the hell.  
  
“I wanted to respect Even’s wish for space. Alexander mentioned you lived together so I didn't wanna push myself into your lives like that.” Isak shrugged. Took another sip of his beer. Felt a pair of arms around his waist, pulling him into a sideways hug.  
  
“Thank you.” Even whispered against his neck. “Thank you for saving him.”  
  
Isak smiled bashfully and looked from Even and over at Lukas. “It’s my job. Fixing people.” He shrugged again. “And I kind of owed you guys one.”  
  
“You didn't owe us anything.” Even and Lukas both said at the same time.  
  
They all smiled at each other. Lukas looked like he wanted to say something else, when the doorbell rang. Lukas went to get it, and Isak turned to look at Even, who in turned let go of Isak’s waist and pulled away.  
  
“I mean it Isak. Thank you for helping Alexander.”  
  
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m glad I could help him.”  
  
“How are you?”  
  
Isak thought about it for a second. “I’m good, actually. How about you?”  
  
“I’m better.” Even made a face. “I’ll never be fine, it will forever stick with me, what happened down there. But I’m coping.”  
  
“That’s good, right?” Isak whispered carefully.  
  
“I need you Isak.”  
  
“Then come back to me.”  
  
“Not yet. Soon.” Even sounded heartbroken. Isak wanted to ask why he didn't want to come back yet, what it was, the thing holding him back. But something in Even’s voice held him back. So he said the one thing that felt right.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They ate pizza, watched football and talked about everything that had happened the past months. It was nice.  
  
“Alexander said you're trying to adopt a baby?” Lukas said as they finished eating.  
  
“Alexander is a snitch.” Isak laughed. “Yeah, but I’m probably not going to be approved. I just had to give it a shot, you know?”  
  
“That’s kind of awesome tho. I hope you get approved.” Lukas smiled.  
  
It didn't go unnoticed by Isak that Even didn't once say anything about the subject.  
  
  
———  
  
  
After drinking four beers, Isak knew he shouldn't drive home. But after what Even had said, he didn't feel right about staying. So when he had finished his fourth beer, he got up to leave.  
  
“Stay!” Lukas laughed. “Seriously man, you can’t drive home.”  
  
“But I can walk.” Isak shrugged.  
  
“It’s like an hour to walk.” Lukas deadpanned.  
  
Isak shrugged. Walked towards the door. If Even didn't want him to stay, he wouldn’t.  
  
He waited for Even to ask, say something, anything. He didn’t. He just sat there on the couch, looking heartbroken and lost.  
  
Isak walked out of there, saying a quick goodbye and thanked Lukas for the pizza and beer, without looking twice at Even.  
  
It ended up taking him almost two hours to walk home, seeing as he took the wrong turn more than once.  
  
When his head finally hit the pillow at three am, he was so glad he had the next day off.  
  
-

 

Waking up alone, Isak didn't know what to do with himself. He had the day off and not a single way to spend it. He could go and visit his friends, but they had families and probably plans and he didn't want to impose. He could just go for a walk or something, but after that day in the park he just didn't enjoy it anymore. So he grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and went for a jog.  
  
He had intended for a short run. But when he first started, it was so relaxing and liberating, he just kept going. And before he knew it, he had ran all the way back to his childhood home, standing outside his father’s door.  
  
He hadn't talked to him since before he left for Syria. He had debated calling or visiting several times, but he never managed to get himself to do it. But now he was standing here. So he did the only thing he could think of.  
  
He knocked on the door.  
  
His father opened, took one look at him and broke out in a huge grin. Inviting Isak in, he introduced him to his new girlfriend. A nice woman named Charlotte who had two kids of there own, a few years younger than Isak. Mari and Anna.  
  
“What do you do Isak?” Charlotte asked him. “Your dad said you’ve been to both Afghanistan and Syria as a doctor.”  
  
“I’m still a doctor. Working at Ullevål.”  
  
“You like it? Mari here just finished her education, she’s a nurse.”  
  
“I love it.” He smiled at them both. “I’ll put in a good word for you, if you need a job.” He nodded at Mari, and took a sip of the glass of water his father handed him.  
  
“That would be wonderful, thank you.” Mari smiled at him.  
  
“How did it go with Even?” his father asked.  
  
“It didn’t.” Isak answered. The situation was so weird and difficult to explain, that it was easier to just say it like that.  
  
“I’m sorry about that.” his father said.  
  
“Who’s Even?” Anna asked.  
  
“My.. ex-husband.”  
  
“Oh. I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine. We messed it up.” Isak shrugged.  
  
“Any chance of fixing it?” Terje asked, sounding hopeful.  
  
“Maybe. I don’t really know.”  
  
“If you are destined to be together, it will happen. And I can see it in your eyes when you talk about him. You love him. If he feels the same way about you, he will come back. Have faith.” Charlotte smiled.  
  
“Thank you. I hope you're right.”  
  
They talked a little more. Charlotte worked as a lawyer, same as Isak’s father. Anna had one more year left of school, she was going to be a police-officer. She really admired everything Isak told about Syria, and asked if he could set up a meeting with one of the guys from the elite squad, as she really wanted to meet one of them. He promised he would try.  
  
Leaving his father’s house, he felt a little better. He was okay with the fact that his father had moved on. It had been a long time since his mother passed, and it was only normal. But thinking about doing the same thing himself made his stomach turn in a bad way. Memories of that failed night at the bar came to mind. No, he would never go down that road again.  
  
He shook the thought off and ran back home.  
  
Stepping into the shower, he took a good look in the mirror. He looked good. Strong. Fit. Some scars, but compared to the people he served with he had almost nothing. His face wasn't that bad either. He had some scruff, having skipped the shaving thing morning. He looked good to be in his early thirties. If he wanted to find himself someone new he could. Someone he didn't meet in the middle of the night in a gay-bar.  
  
But he didn't want anyone new.  
  
He wanted Even.  
  
Stepping under the hot spray, he tried to figure out how he should spend the rest of his day off.  
  
—  
  
He ended up ordering junkfood, sitting in front of the TV and watching movies. At some point during the night he was eating ice-cream out of the box, drinking wine, crying and watching a romantic drama of some sort. If anyone asked he would have denied it, but it was happening.  
  
He decided to go into work the next day. Days off where just not for him.  
  
And he wanted to see the baby. (No he was not going soft, what are you talking about)  
  
Coming into work the next morning, no-one asked him why he was there or joked about him not being able to stay away. They just welcomed him like they normally did. He got changed and decided to pay Alexander a visit.  
  
Peeking in to check if he was alone first, Isak pushed the door open.  
  
“Morning Alexander.” he said cheerfully.  
  
“Dr. Valtersen. My hero.”  
  
“How are you feeling today?”  
  
“Good. I was under the impression that you had the weekend off.”  
  
“Yeah, but to be honest, I can’t find anything to do at home. It’s so boring I’m losing it.” he chuckled.  
  
“I know the feeling. But it’s nice right? Actually being bored. Not being stressed and scared all the time.”  
  
“True.” Isak smiled. “How is the pain?”  
  
“Less and less every day.”  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
“Lukas said you visited him and Even. I’m sorry I told them.”  
  
“Don’t sweat it.”  
  
“Lukas said you refused to stay tho. And that your car is still parked outside in our street.”  
  
Isak sat down in the chair next to the bed with a sigh. “Even didn't want me there. And I kind of forgot to go and get it. I’ll go get it after work today,”  
  
Alexander lifted an eyebrow. “Did he say he didn't want you there or did you make that up in your head.”  
  
“He said he wasn't ready yet. I didn't feel like imposing.” Isak sighed. He wasn't in the mood for this.  
  
Alexander seemed to understand that. “Fine. I’ll stop prying.”  
  
“Thank you. So, what are your plans for when you're out of here? Like, how do you picture your future?”  
  
“Oh man, I don’t know. I mean, I want a family, you know? But other than that I don’t really have any dreams left. I just want a peaceful life.”  
  
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”  
  
“Maybe we can be each others family? I mean all of us, who were in Syria together. Me and you and Lukas and Even. The guys you came down with. That girl you worked with. We should ask everyone if they want to hang out one evening when I’m out of here.”  
  
Isak smiled at him. “I’d like that.”  
  
He stayed with Alexander for a little while before going to see the baby. He knew he shouldn't get attached, because there was no way his application would be even considered, but he couldn't help it. The baby was cute.  
  
Walking down the halls, carrying the baby, his pager suddenly went of. Confused, Isak checked it, seeing it was Alexander. He had just been in there and everything had been fine. Grunting, he hurried down the hall and entered the room.  
  
Alexander was twisting in pain and next to his bed was Even.  
  
“Fuck.” Isak whispered, handing the baby over to Even and walking over to Alexander. “Tell me where it hurts.”  
  
“Everywhere!” Alexander hissed behind gritted teeth.  
  
After a quick exam, Isak found out that the reason behind the pain was most likely the nerves repairing themselves and upped the painkillers again. When Alexander finally relaxed, Isak dared to look at Even - who was sitting in a chair and looking at the tiny baby in his arms with wonder.  
  
“He’s cute, right?” Isak blurted out.  
  
Even looked up at him. “He really is. This is the baby you want to adopt?”  
  
Isak nodded. “I won’t get approved. I work crazy hours and live alone. But I had to try.” he turned back to Alexander, checked him one more time.  
  
“I hope you get him. You would be a great father.” Even said quietly.  
  
Isak looked at Even with the baby in his arms. It was such a wonderful sight. “So would you.” he blurted out. Before Even could answer, he turned to Alexander. “We will make sure you start physical therapy tomorrow. It’s time to get those muscles back in shape.”  
  
“So does this mean it’s working?” Alexander smiled at him.  
  
Isak nodded. “It sure does.”  


After making sure Alexander would be okay for the next few hours, he went over to get the baby back from Even. But Even got to his feet and asked if he could come for a walk with him. When Isak hesitated, Alexander groaned. “Oh for the love of god, please just get your shit together!”  
  
Easy to say, they both scrambled out of the room and started walking down the hall. Even refused to hand back the baby and Isak didn't have the heart to make a fuss. They looked so adorable together.  
  
“I’m sorry it’s taking me so much time Isak.” Even said.  
  
“It’s okay.” Isak answered. And it was, he just wished for an explanation. He just didn't feel like prying and asking.  
  
“I just…” Even sighed. Looked from Isak and down at the baby and back up at Isak. “I need to sort my head out. I had a lot of built up anger left in my body when I left Syria. I blamed everyone for everything, and I just… I feared I would end up blaming you.” his voice was shaking. “My therapist says people grieve in different ways. My way is apparently getting angry. I’m still angry about losing Kim, Tobias, Simon. Johannes. Simen. Everyone. I failed them all.”  
  
“You didn't fail them, Even. It was a war. And they all went there by free will.”  
  
“I know. I just have a little trouble accepting it.”  
  
“I know. I know it’s hard. If I could help I would.” Isak replied, a little bitterly maybe.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
They walked in silence. Isak got stopped outside a room and asked for a consult. Even and the baby waited outside for him. When he got out twenty minutes later, Even smiled brightly at him.  
  
“I’m starting to think you might have been right tho.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“Yeah. That we could figure it out together.”  
  
Isak just shook his head. “Oh. Well. You were right there. About doing it alone. I needed that… It was hard and horrible, but I got through it, and it made me feel better in the end.”  
  
“Yeah, me too, but… somethings you just can’t do alone, you know?” Even bit his lip, looking insecure.  
  
“Even. What do you want here? I’ve asked you to come back to me, twice. And you’ve turned me down, twice. I just… I don’t even know if you want me anymore. It drives me crazy.” Isak admitted.  
  
“Of course I want you.”  
  
“Then come back to me. Yes you have issues. But I’ve got them too.”  
  
“I need more-“  
  
“Time? Yeah, I know.” Isak sighed. Took the baby from Even’s arms, the latter letting him this time. “Take your time. In the mean time, I need to be away from you. Cuz this right here-“ he gestured between himself and Even “- is breaking me apart. And I know I deserve it, I am after all the one who filed for that stupid divorce, but I can’t handle it. So maybe we should just go our separate ways and call it quits. We had a good life together, we messed it up and it’s time to move on. Goodbye, Even. I sincerely hope you figure it out.” he whispered, his voice going from harsh to breaking at the end, along with his heart.  
  
Walking away from Even, he almost laughed at how this was becoming a fucking tradition with them now. With every step he took, what he had just done sunk longer and longer in. He had just closed the final door.  
  
And he wasn't sure if it was what he had wanted.  
  
  
———  
  
Coming with Jonas to his physical therapy had become a more regular thing now. Jonas went every day, but on Thursdays Eva couldn't drive him, so Isak did. Isak helped his friend by being motivating and cheering him on.  
  
And for every 1kg Jonas had to lift or pull or push, Isak did 10kg. So it was a good thing Jonas only did 2kg and 3kg weights.  
  
“You wanna come for dinner tonight?” Jonas asked as they walked into the changing room, right before stumbling a little. He had really worked hard today.  
  
Isak reached out and grabbed Jonas’ hips so he wouldn't fall. “Sure. If Eva’s okay with it.”  
  
“Of course she is man.” Jonas smiled, and despite him always saying he was fine and didn't need help, he leaned on Isak for a minute.  
  
Isak couldn't help but be a bit concerned that Jonas still had so much pain, but as he was scheduled for a check up next week, he didn't want to annoy him with it now. Jonas seemed happy, and that was all that mattered.  
  
Driving Jonas home after they had showered and changed, Isak decided it was time to ask a question that had been bothering him these past few months.  
  
“Jonas?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do you blame me? For what happened to you I mean. You would never have been down there if it wasn't for me.”  
  
Jonas looked at him. “No. I don’t. Why would I? I went down by choice, by own free will. You begged me not to, and I still went. And.. at first I blamed myself for what happened. Now I have realised that it’s pointless to blame anyone, you know? Like, it was a stupid war, and shit happens in a war-zone. It’s just life. Sometimes you get hurt. Most of the time you don’t. Life throws you a ball and all you can do is try and catch it.”  
  
Isak parked the car outside of Jonas’ house looked at his friend, really studied him. He was the one who had handled this messy situation best. Sure, he had a few weeks after it happened where he was just as fucked up as the rest of them, but then he just kind of got over it, put it behind him. Isak wished it could be that easy for him too.  
  
But people are different and Isak knew that he would forever have to carry this war with him. And that was okay. That was life.  
  
When Isak helped cooking dinner without Eva jumping away when he grabbed the knife, he realised that things were working out for everyone of his friends. All the people he knew and loved, things were going well with them. And it made him so happy to see.  
  
After dinner, while Jonas put the kids to bed, Isak and Eva sat on the balcony and drank tea.  
  
“Are you mad at me for what happened to Jonas?”  
  
“No. I asked you to bring him back to me. You did. Why should I be mad?”  
  
“He got hurt.”  
  
“We all get hurt now and then Isak. The important thing is to get back up if we fall.”  
  
“‘It doesn't matter how many times they knock you down as long at the number of times you rise back up is higher’ or some kind of bullcrap?” he chuckled.  
  
“Something like that.” she smiled. “And speaking of rising back up, I heard you met Even?”  
  
“Yeah. Didn't go so well. Any of the times.”  
  
“Keep on rising?” she suggested. “But I’m sure you two will figure it out. You just have too. You're soulmates, or something. Meant to be.”  
  
“I don’t know.” He bit his lip.  
  
“That’s okay. Cuz I do.” she laughed. “Isak. There isn't a universe where you and Even don’t belong. Things will work out, don’t worry.”  
  
Isak just smiled and wished he could have the same faith she did. It was hard, loving someone who just kept turning you down, but in a way that left you holding onto a tiny piece of hope.  
  
And he wondered how long he would have to keep holding on.  
  
———  
  
  
He didn't see or hear from Even again until they both had to be at the ceremony. It was both a relief and making him concerned. Maybe Even had agreed. Maybe going separate ways had been what Even had wanted. _Of course I want you._ The words turned over and over in Isak’s head. Even was so confusing. He said one thing and did the opposite.  
  
Alexander had been unusually quiet the past few days too. No jokes, no asking about the baby or Even. That could be explained by the fact that he had just started physical therapy and was exhausted every day now, but Isak couldn't help wonder if he had fucked up badly with his little outburst.  
  
As Isak was Alexander’s doctor and was going to the ceremony, Alexander was allowed to go too despite not being released from the hospital yet. Which was how Isak ended up pushing Alexander around in a wheelchair in this big room filled with people he had seen before. Some of them he knew, some of them he had only seen in the passing. Everyone said hello to each other and made polite smalltalk.  
  
Seeing Pia again was nice. She came over and talked to him and Alexander. She had been there when Alexander was brought in and later told he was chained to a chair for the rest of his life, so hearing that he would be able to walk again made her so emotional that she shed a few tears.  
  
“You’re a miracle-worker Isak. You keep saying you're not, but you are.” she whispered in his ear as she hugged him.  
  
He smiled at her. “So are you Pia.”  
  
“Not like you.”  
  
“No. In your own way.” he winked.  
  
She laughed happily while drying the tears, and they walked separate ways, finding other people to say hello to. Isak knew they would see each other again. Theirs were a friendship who would last an entire lifetime.  
  
“Isak.” he heard behind him. He turned around, his eyes meeting Even. And Lukas. They were looking so incredibly hot in suits. It took his breath away for a minute.  
  
“Hey.” He said.  
  
“Hey boys!” Alexander smiled. “So good to see you two. And you look so dashing!”  
  
“How are you holding up?” Lukas bent forward and hugged his friend. After making sure he was okay with it, he hugged Isak too.  
  
Even stuck to only hugging Alexander and nodding at Isak. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. It was awkward.  
  
“I’m good. Tired, sore, but good. Isak have done an awesome job.” Alexander smiled.  
  
“Hey, the physical therapy is all you. I wish all of my patients had your strength and willpower.”  
  
“Military boys.” Alexander, Lukas and Even said at the same time.  
  
Isak just smiled fondly. “Can you guys watch after him for a while?”  
  
“Sure.” Lukas said.  
  
Isak gave him a grateful look and walked away. He didn't really want to talk to anyone else, he just wanted to get away from Even. He ended up talking to a few of the people he had worked with in Syria, had a few words with the commander and talked a little more with Pia, before finding Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus.  
  
Jonas was standing on his own, but his eyes looked a little pained, so Isak wrapped an arm around his waist to support him. Jonas gave him a grateful look.  
  
“How have you boys been?” Isak asked, looking at Mahdi and Magnus. He felt a little guilty for not keeping in touch with them since they all came back. But life had happened, and somehow, after coming back from his little ‘rehab’, he had never found the right moment to call them.  
  
“Honestly? Not that good. It’s better now. It was a tough couple of months after coming home, and being down there was so much worse than we expected, but… We got to come home, alive.” Magnus shrugged. “How about you? Jonas said you wanted to adopt a baby? Does that mean you and Even-“  
  
“No.” Isak simply said, and Magnus just nodded. “I-“ Isak started, only to be interrupted by previously mentioned guy walking up to their little group.  
  
“Hello boys.” Even smiled, charming as ever. He had gone from looking like he wanted to be anywhere but near Isak, to giving him that lovesick look again. Isak was so confused, but right here, right now was not the time to call him out on it. Which made the next words leaving Even’s mouth extra hard to swallow. “Isak, can I talk to you for a minute?”  
  
And with everyone looking at them, he couldn’t refuse. Helping Jonas to a chair, despite his protest of being fine (he could see the relief in Jonas’ eyes when he sat down) he promised to be back soon and followed Even out of the room and in to a hallway.  
  
“Even, what are you-“  
  
“I’m sorry, okay?”  
  
“You’ve said that.”  
  
“I am sorry it is taking me such long time Isak. I just need to make sure I’m not that angry violent asshole I was down in Syria.”  
  
Isak shook his head, lowered his voice to a almost sad sounding whisper. “You were never an asshole Even. You were hurt.”  
  
“I was. I know I was. And I don’t have the right to be the asshole in this situation, because, yeah, you filed for divorce. But I’ve done so much crap over the years, stuff you never deserved, and I needed to get myself together enough to know that I won’t intentionally do that ever again.”  
  
“Even-“  
  
“And I know I fucked up my last chance with you, and I know I should have come back sooner, and I’m sorry. I wish we could get back where we were. Rebuild our life. Adopt that cute little baby. But I understand if you don’t want that anymore.”  
  
Just as Isak was about to answer, they called everyone to their seats, and they were forced to go back inside. But Isak needed to say one last thing, so he grabbed Even’s arm firmly and made sure their eyes met. Even looked so broken, so sad, Isak just wanted to hug him. He wasn't even sure what held him back from doing it. But instead of holding onto Even like he wanted, he just took a deep breath, said. “In every parallel universe.” before quickly letting go of Even’s arm, walking away to go find his seat next to Alexander.  
  
They didn't speak again for the rest of the night, but Isak clapped extra hard when Even got The War Cross With Swords (The Norwegian version of Medal of Honour).  
  
They listened to the military minister make a great speech and spent some more time talking with old buddies from Syria before Isak had to take Alexander back to the hospital.  
  
“He loves you, you know?” Alexander said when they got in the car.  
  
“Love isn't always enough.”  
  
“Bullshit.” Alexander snorted. “Yeah, with some people that might be true. But with you guys? Your love is so strong, it can survive anything.”  
  
“We just keep fucking up and misunderstanding each other. We’re no longer the same people we were when we first met. We’re not kids anymore. We have both changed.”  
  
“Isak. Instead of focusing so much about what has changed and how difficult things might be, maybe you should focus on what your heart tells you? Do you love him?”  
  
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in his answer. Because it was true.  
  
“Are you in love with him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And if he came back to you, would you take him back?”  
  
“I… Of course I would.” Isak didn't even bother to deny it. Of course he would take Even back.  
  
“Then go find him.”  
  
“I’ve asked him twice, Alexander. And he turned me down twice.”  
  
“Three is the lucky charm?”  
  
Isak shook his head. “I can’t. It hurts so much every time he says no.”  
  
“I understand that.”  
  
They arrived back at the hospital and Isak got Alexander back into his room and helped him get changed and into bed. After making sure he was okay, Isak took a round to check the rest of his patients. Everything seemed okay, so he walked to the nursery to check on the baby. Only to find out he wasn't there. When he asked the nurse on call where the baby was, she responded with “He got adopted.”  
  
Isak had known he shouldn't get attached. He had known he would never even be considered. But it still hurt, and he had to blink away the tears as he walked out of the nursery and towards the changing room. He had changed into his suit here, so he went in and changed back into sweats.  
  
This was turning out to be a really bad day, and he found himself wishing he had said yes to go out with Mahdi and Magnus. But, on the other hand, he remembered his last time getting drunk, so maybe not.  
  
As it was late, he decided to crash in an on-call room, he was working the early shift anyway. Falling into a restless sleep, Isak dreamed about the time he was seventeen and his biggest worry in life was how to get beer for the next party.  
  
That was a very long time ago.  
  
———-  
  
  
Waking up the next morning, Isak walked into the changing room to take a shower. Getting ready for the day, he made a mental list of things he had to do during the day. He didn't have many patients now, and he worked a short shift. So unless he managed to make some plan, he was headed for another night on the couch with ice-cream and wine. Great.  
  
Coming out of from his first visit of the day, he was approached by his boss. She said a cheerful hello and fell into step with him. “So Isak. When you have finished your rounds, can you come to my office please?”  
  
“Sure. What’s up?”  
  
“We’ll talk about it in my office.” she smiled, and left him again.  
  
Not putting anything into it, he shrugged her weirdness off and continued on his round. She could be like that, being all secretive and weird and odd. He saved Alexander for last, giving the man a big smile as he walked in.  
  
“How are you today Alexander?”  
  
“Fine.. Why the smile?”  
  
“Trying something new.” Isak winked, and they shared a short laugh before he begun checking Alexander. “I think we should do another MRI on you to make sure everything is healing as it should, but if it looks okay you can probably leave soon. You’ll have to come in for physical therapy every day for a long time, but there’s no reason you shouldn't be able to sleep in your own bed.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Really.”  
  
“Thank you Isak. Seriously. I mean, I was okay with being in the chair, because I was alive. But you made sure I could be so much more than that. Thank you.” Alexander looked like he wanted to shed a tear.  
  
Isak just smiled and hugged him. “You’re welcome.”  
  
  
——  
  
Walking into the office to talk to his boss, he expected almost everything.  
  
Except what happened.  
  
He sat down in front of her, and she grinned like an idiot for five seconds, before pushing a document across the desk, giving it to him.  
  
“You’re giving me four months paid leave of absence?” he asked her, confused. He hadn't asked for leave, and he didn’t want it either. Having time off was so boring, he couldn’t even stay away from the hospital on his weekends off. Besides, he had been away for nearly four months not that long ago. “What’s going on?”  
  
She smiled at him. “Would you believe me if I said you earned it because of all the miracles you’ve been pulling these past weeks?”  
  
“No?”  
  
“Damn.” she laughed. Grabbed a few more documents. Placed them in front of Isak.  
  
It took him a few seconds to read the title of the document, and then another few seconds to read the next words.

  
  
  
Adoption request  
  
  
Isak Valtersen - male - 32 years old - Cardio-surgeon  
  
is requesting to adopt  
  
NN - orphan - male - 3 weeks old  
  
  
Status:  
Approved

 

 

 

 

Isak couldn't believe it. He he put a hand in front of his mouth to hide his gaping. He had been approved. He, a single gay man who lived alone and worked crazy hours, had been granted a baby. He looked at his boss for explanation.  
  
“I put in a good word. And you resume is pretty impressive Isak. I told you, you could do it. Congratulations.” her smile was warm.  
  
“But he wasn't in the nursery last night-“  
  
“I had him moved. Wanted to keep the element of surprise. Your name is already in all the documents and journals.”  
  
“I-“  
  
“You’re a daddy! Go pick up your baby in room 2456. A nurse will meet you there, I organised so that you will get a bag with all the necessities. Oh, and I conspired with Jonas’ wife, since she has a key to your place. We let ourselves in and put up a crib and some stuff for you while you were on the ceremony last night. I took a chance on you crashing here. You're welcome.”  
  
Isak just stared at her for a second. “Thank you.” he whispered. “Seriously, thank you.”  
  
“Sometimes, things go the way we wish for, right?”  
  
-  
  
A few hours later, Isak was sitting in the middle of his living room, with a baby in his arms, totally lost. He knew so little about babies, it was embarrassing. And here he was, holding a tiny one in his arms. A tiny baby that was all his.  
  
He had called Eva as soon as he walked in the door, freaking out for a few minutes and also thanking her for the crib. It was lovely.  
  
She had laughed and told him it would be fine and promised to drop by later.  
  
So here he was.  
  
Sitting in his apartment.  
  
With a baby.  
  
He thought back on the day he had filled out the papers, when he had let himself dream of this moment. It was slightly more surreal than he had imagined. But looking at the tiny baby in his arms, he was so glad it had happened.  
  
Yes, it would be hard.  
  
Yes, he wished he wouldn't be alone with it.  
  
But after everything he had been through these past years, he could do it. There was no doubt in his mind. Okay, maybe a small doubt. But for the first time since he got back home, Isak felt at peace. He had someone to take care of. Someone who depended on him. Someone to love.  
  
He also had all his friends, his father (with his new family) and his job. He had his apartment and a car. Life was good. He was good.  
  
  
  
It was a knock on the door. Isak bit his lip. He didn't really know if he wanted to open it right now. He wanted to shut the world out, just be with his baby and enjoy the moment for a little while longer.  
  
But curiosity won, and he got to his feet, walked over to the door and opened it.  
  
Finding Even outside, looking at him with sad, hopeful eyes. “In every parallel universe?”  
  
Isak looked at him. Down at the baby in his arms. Back up at Even. “All of them.”  


 

 

 

  
And then he opened the door wide, letting Even back into his life.

  


 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song this chapter title is taken from;
> 
> \- Just Hold On, Steve Aoki


	11. 7 YEARS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the official ending. I want to thank everyone who have been reading the story, but especially the ones who have left me comments and kudos. I know I haven't responded, and I apologise for that. I just have so little time, I can barely find the time to write my stories. So sorry about that! But I do read and appreciate every single one of them, thank you so much <3

 

 

 

****_ I'm still learning about life  
_ ****_ My woman brought children for me  
_ ****_ So I can sing them all my songs  
_ ****_ And I can tell them stories  
_ ****_ Most of my boys are with me  
_ ****_ Some are still out seeking glory  
_ ****_ And some I had to leave behind  
_ ****_My brother I'm still sorry_  


 

 

 

 

Even had always made mistakes. His entire life, he kept making them over and over. It started when he was little and tried to help his mother making tea, ending with him breaking the cups and burning his hand. It was the first memory of messing up. From there on, it just escalated.  
  
He fucked up with his friends at Bakka. With Sonja, cheating on her. With Isak, when he cheated on him too. When he signed those divorce papers. When he couldn't protect Johannes. When he failed to stop Simen from getting shot. When he failed to save his team from being massacred. When he failed to be the man Isak needed after coming home. Even had made a lot of mistakes.  
  
But there were things in his life he didn't consider mistakes too. Choosing Isak. Fighting for him. Going to Afghanistan the first time. He had actually made a difference. Same with Syria. He had made a difference, he had helped. But he hated what it had cost him.  
  
No matter how hard he tried, he could never put the horrible things that happened in Syria behind him. They always lingered in the back of his mind, affecting his every decision. Even hated it. Felt like it made him like less of a person.  
  
He tried finding another job after coming home, just to keep himself occupied. But nothing fit him, nothing worked out. He just couldn't do it. He went to therapy and slowly, things had gotten better, but he would never be okay again.  
  
And he had made peace with that. The one thing he couldn't accept was losing Isak. But he was. He was losing him, because he was so afraid of messing things up again. He was afraid to take a risk and it was costing him Isak. Everyone told him to just take a chance. Just give it a chance, go fight for him, you can do it.  
  
So he tried. But every time he tried to make it right, he realised he couldn't do it, and backtracked, saying he needed more time. He saw how it broke Isak, and he saw how it ruined his chances to ever fix this. So he gathered the strength to really say what he felt, really try to make it right, during the ceremony. But they were interrupted, making Even’s hope sink again.  
  
Until Isak said the words. “In every parallel universe.”  
  
Then he was walking away and Even was left standing there, heart filled with hope once more. When the military minister came and offered him his job back in the kings guard, with less hours but he could keep the payment he received today, he accepted.  
  
Knowing he had to make things right, he decided once more to just show up outside Isak’s door. And this time, everything worked out.  
  
The baby Isak adopted turned out to be Johannes’ kid.  
  
The woman who had died in that car crash had been his wife. Why he had never told Even about being married was a mystery they would never solve, but it didn't matter.   
  
Upon learning all this information, Isak decided to name the baby Johannes. And make sure Even was included in the papers. They were officially both his parents now.

 

Life was hard despite the fact that they were doing it together now. And Even was terrified. Terrified of making the same mistakes. Terrified of something happening to the people he loved. Terrified of not being good enough.  
  
Isak kept telling him he was tho. He just couldn't make himself believe it.  
  
But as the years went on and Even never fucked it up again, he at least started relaxing a little. He went to work most days, but since his days were short he managed to eat lunch with Isak almost every day. He picked up Johannes at kindergarten and together they made dinner in time for Isak to arrive home.   
  
Every day life was eventless, calm and filled with routines. Just like Even had wished for. Just like Isak had wished for. They curled up on the couch every night and told each other about their days, watched TV and massaged each others feet. They fell asleep tangled in each other and spent lazy Sunday mornings in bed whispering loving words to each other.  
  
They took turns nursing each other when the other got sick and during school holidays they went on trips with Johannes. They took him camping, mountain climbing, to the zoo and drove to other parts of the country on road trips.

  
Isak kept working as a cardio-surgeon and was turning into kind of a legend now. He rarely lost any patients and people came from all over the country to be treated by him. He cut back a bit on the hours, and the hospital offered him a solution where he didn't have to work so many nights, and could be home when he was on call.  
  
Even was still the sniper with most confirmed kills in the Norwegian Military’s history and held a few lectures every now and then. He still hated being reminded of that part of his life, as he hated himself for killing so many people. Necessary or not, he hated it. And mostly, he hated people praising him for it.   
  
But there were good days for Even. Spending time with his kid was good. A few times they had been called in at work to help with hostage situations or suspected terrorist attacks (which luckily always turned out to be something else, a mentally ill person going of the rails or an angry employee trying to get back at their workplace)

  
It had been 7 years since Even walked back into Isak’s life, and today was the day.  
  
Today they were getting married again.  


.

  
“Are you ready?” Alexander asked, and put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.  
  
“No.” Even admitted.  
  
“Why not? This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life buddy.”  
  
“I’m nervous.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I’m gonna fuck everything up again!” Even broke free from Alexander’s hand and started pacing the room.  
  
“Even… What happened between you and Isak was a series of accidents no-one could have predicted. And there is no chance in hell that the universe is that cruel, that it will happen again. Relax. Everything will be fine.”  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
“Oh, I do. You're talking to the guy who got shot in the back and ended up in a wheelchair. Here I am, standing next to you. I am married, I have a daughter and I’m going to walk my best friend down the aisle in a minute. If things work out for me, they will for you too.” Alexander grabbed his arm. “Come on. Let’s go Næsheim.”  
  
“You know that in a few minutes, that won’t be my name anymore.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
As they left the room together, Even felt like things might be okay.  
  
-  
  
Even was going to take Isak’s last name. They hadn't really discussed it, Even had just decided it was the right thing. It was Johannes’ last name too, so it felt right.   
  
They had timed the wedding so that Johannes could come with them on their honeymoon. Alexander had suggested he could watch Johannes for them, and so had Jonas and Sana and everyone else. But Even and Isak wanted to bring their kid with them.  
  
Because the most important thing the three of them had was each other.  
  
Standing across from Isak, in front of all of their friends and family, Even finally let himself feel like it could be okay, let himself feel happiness.  
  
He looked into Isak’s beautiful green eyes and despite not having written any vows, he just knew what to say. “Standing here today with you feels like a miracle. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but fighting for you was never one of them. Would I do it again? Yes. A thousand times yes. I remember the first time I saw you; I just knew you were the one. And despite all the mistakes I’ve made and two wars between us, we are still standing here today. I love you Isak Valtersen, and I promise to love you until the day I die. In this universe and in every parallel universe.”  
  
Isak’s eyes sparkled so brightly, Even felt his heart swell.  
  
“Even. We both made mistakes. They have pulled us apart and then made us stronger. We have learned so much these past fifteen years, and one of the most important things is this; Love is a battlefield. And sometimes the battle is lost. But losing one battle doesn't mean you’ve lost the entire war. And in the end, that’s what matters. And we did. We won. And we will keep fighting for each other, every day, for the rest of our lives and in every parallel universe. I love you Even _Valtersen_ , like I always have and always will.”  
  
The pastor spoke, but Even didn't really hear, he was to busy looking at his beautiful _soon to be_ husband. But he heard the word ‘kiss’, and seconds later Isak leaned in, so Even met him halfway. And even now, after so many years, kissing Isak made his spine tingle and his heart race. Kissing Isak made him feel like he was nineteen again.  
  
Pulling apart, Even grabbed Isak’s hand and together they started walking down the aisle.   
  
And as they did, Even just knew.

  
  
Everything from now on was going to be fine. If the past years had proved one thing, it was this; They would always find their way back together, even when the world comes crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song:
> 
> \- 7 Years, Lukas Graham

**Author's Note:**

> Song for this chapter is Work Song, by Hozier.  
> It's basically the song who inspired this fic.


End file.
